this article may contain affiliate links
16 Ways To Help Your Toddler Calm Down & Prevent Outbursts In The Future
help your toddler calm down
We just want that sweet, mild-mannered toddler, only and always. But that’s rarely a reality, right?
Toddlers are more volatile and irrational than school-aged children and adults because their brains are still heavily developing, which means they mostly lack necessary coping skills for things such as impulse control and emotional regulation.
We don’t want our toddlers melting down in the first place. We don’t want to have to help them calm down. We want them to ‘just do it’, ‘just know how’, but the reality of toddlerhood is – they need help calming down most of the time.
Nonetheless, the beautiful silver lining to all this exhausting ‘helping’ that we do for the first few years of their life is – that once we model ways to cope, help soothe them and show them how to self soothe, these methods will become ingrained habits as their brains continue to develop and they assuredly age out of this heavily irrational stage of life.
Read this next:
How To Get Your Toddler To Stop Whining So MuchHow To Get Your Toddler To Listen Better In 7 Steps
Is My Toddler’s Behavior Normal? 7 Situations Where Your Toddler’s Behavior Might Shock You
Hang in there! This (toddlerhood) is merely a SPECK of the life they will spend with you. And even still, there is lots of magic and joy to be experienced in between the chaos, when we keep our eyes and hearts peeled.
So let’s get to it – let’s look at the ways in which we can help your toddler calm down….
16 Ways To Help Your Toddler Calm Down & Prevent Outbursts In The Future
1. give in + give a hug + give directions
So, you’ll notice that most of my tips include a hug. A genuine hug can cure many things with a sad and/or upset toddler.
Many parents think that by ‘giving in’ to whining/crying and comforting them with a hug is a passive approach that encourages more fuss. This can absolutely be true BUT when paired with also giving directions about how to behave instead next time, you are showing them that their feelings are acceptable, but their behavior is not.
Here’s an example of this approach in action:
- “Aw, your ice cream dropped. I’m sorry babe, that’s frustrating. *Hug*. Next time, instead of screaming and crying, come ask mommy for another scoop and I’ll refill it.” (We’d be upset too if our ice cream dropped, but we wouldn’t lose all control over it because we have superior coping skills AND the reassuring understanding that we can fix our problem.)
Without withholding love by sending them away to sort their feelings out on their own when they’re crying, that may make your child feel alone in their overwhelming feelings and possibly even more upset, you are comforting them in their time of need and giving them ideas about more calm and acceptable behaviors for next time.
Checkout these calming book suggestions:
Drop your name and email below to get a FREE instant download of The Toddler Meltdown Scripts & Cheat Sheet.
We never spam.
Scripts for: Leaving the park, daycare drop off, nap time, when they can't have something, and sharing.
It can be hard to always be calm and comforting, especially when we are upset, tired, overwhelmed, angry or sad ourselves. This is where a deep chest breath can release that fight or flight stress in our bodies and allow us to better approach our ‘under construction’ toddler’s big outbursts.
In fact, that leads me to number 2 on the list of ways to help your toddler calm down…
2. recognize their upset and take two breaths together
Get down eye-level with them and grab their hands, and tell them to take two breaths with you.
Here’s an example of this approach in action:
- (toddler is freaking out over their doll that has dropped to the floor a second time) “Oh no, that’s frustrating! Let’s settle down first and then get your doll. Take two breaths with momma. Deep breath, one. Deep breath, two. Good. Feels better huh? Ok now, let’s grab your doll.” You can also have your toddler put their hands up and down with each breath. This works especially well with spirited toddler and more emotional toddlers.
3. validate their feelings + scoop them up + redirect
Same goes with toddlers. Validating how they are feeling comforts them, soothes them, calms them. They feel heard and understood in their moment of upset.
Scooping them up will bring them to eye level and help to comfort them, which will help your toddler calm down. And finally, redirecting them to something they can look forward to next will help them transition more happily.
Here is an example of this approach in action:
- “You’re really upset that we have to leave the park, huh? You were having so much fun here. Come babe (scoop them up). I have an idea, when we get home, let’s have an ice pop! Say goodbye to the park and we will go get our ice pop!”
Check out these calm parenting book suggestions:
3. take a break together in a ‘peace corner’
Instead of annoyedly sending them off to ‘figure it out’ on their own, which can lead to more upset for everyone, take a deep chest break and then go take a break together in a different area or setting.
Remember, your toddler is still learning how to put a name to their feelings and how to work through them and react to them. These coping skills are learned skills and they will learn much of how to handle them from how we model and teach them to do so.
Likewise, if we do not model and teach them healthy ways to cope with inevitable human emotions, they will display more and more difficult behaviors as they age.
Here is an example of this approach in action:
- “You’re so sad to see daddy go to work, huh? (insert a deep breath when needed, like when they have been whiny all morning and you are tire of it) Come, let’s go to the peace corner for a few minutes until we feel better.” Scoop them up and relocate. It also helps to have some soothing and destressing toys in the area you go to, like pin art or liquid motion timers. The beautiful thing about a designated space such as a peace corner, is that your toddler will soon associate this spot with calming down and self-soothing and go off on their own to it, as needed, throughout the day. An excellent tool to help your toddler calm down.
4. create toddler-friendly ‘yes’ settings
“Yes” settings simply mean that you are in settings where you are having to tell your toddler ‘no’ (stop, don’t..) a lot less. And when you say ‘no’ less all day, you are guaranteed to have a less frustrated toddler, which means calmer behaviors.
Toddlers seek and crave autonomy, freedom of choice and the ability to do, play and act freely throughout the day.
So, by creating a ‘yes’ setting in your home and as often as possible in their daily schedule, you will have a calmer toddler and smoother days with less outbursts.
Here are some examples of a toddler friendly ‘yes’ setting:
- Low shelves and hooks where toddlers can place things and reach them themselves
- A designated shelf or drawer in the kitchen where they can reach their own plates, utensils and cups.
- child-size furniture for sitting and playing
- baby gates to ensure safety from areas where you’d have to say ‘no’ to them often
- board books without worry of tearing
- explore-safe spaces, where things like curtains, cables, magazines, outlets, breakables etc are secured so your little one will not get hurt while exploring freely
- diverse games, toys and lovies, to offer a balance of high energy play/learning AND relaxing/unwinding opportunities throughout the day, as needed
- designated times for noisy or rowdy play, such as music time, dance party, race time, where you bring supplies down from a cabinet or shelf for them to use for X amount of time, freely. This way, you fit these types of noisier play that they love in without letting them do them all day, which will most likely frustrate you, from excessive noise and over stimulation.
- turning ‘nos’ into ‘yeses’. “Can I have cookies?” (your toddler asks at breakfast) “Yes! After nap, we can have a cookie!” “Can I have more ice cream?” “Yes! Tomorrow we can have another scoop after dinner!” “Can we go to the park?” “Yes! After mommy finishes these emails, let’s make a plan to go to the park and swing! Go do blocks or train tracks for now.” Following your toddler and saying no all day is a sure way to burn yourself out and for your toddler to feel frustrated, angry or resentful.
- fit in activities that they show interest in and do them together, even if they seem silly, are a little messy, if they aren’t playing with something ‘properly’. This lets them freely be and allows for bonding between the parent and child, making their moods more happy, more often.
When you make room for more ‘yes’ settings, you will have less anxiety throughout the day, your toddler will be able to safely operate more independently, and it will most definitely help your toddler calm down, overall.
The Montessori methodology does an excellent job of creating ‘yes’ spaces and settings for toddlers. Many parents notice a complete behavioral change in their toddler when they follow some of the Montessori methods at home.
Check out these Montessori at home suggestions:
5. prevent unwanted outbursts by using ‘if, then’ statements
For many parents the first instinct is to scold and shut them down – “Stop that! You don’t get anything if you cry! Everyone is looking at you.” Or, to bribe them to be quiet – “Shhh! We can get some ice cream if you quiet down.”
These outbursts can be inevitable – depending on how your toddler feels in the moment (sad, mad, worried, scared, frustrated) and can get worse or better, depending on how you respond to them.
One response that works much better than the above reactions is – using an “if, then” statement.
Here is an “if, then” statement in action:
- “If you cannot calm down with mom, then I cannot bring you to the store anymore. Do you want to come to the store with mom? Then let’s calm down together.” (take a couple deep breaths together, look around, hug…)
These “if, then” statements tell your toddler what behaviors are allowed or not allowed, and what will happen if they behave in ways that are unacceptable.
I want to highlight that it is very important that you follow through with the fair consequences you set with your toddler. If you don’t, it WILL NOT help change their behavior.
With this approach and all the others I mention, when you identify the root cause of your toddler’s upset and incorporate that into your response, you will be able to help calm your toddler down so much easier, all the time.
So, identifying the root cause would sound like: (toddler screaming and crying for crackers) “I hear you really want those crackers. We need to calm down first, and then we can grab them.” Here, you have vocalized your toddler’s outburst trigger and are helping them calm down first. Then, from here, you can use an “if, then” statement.
If they can’t calm down, you may have to leave the store this time. And as you told them, next time they will not come with you. This is following through with what you said.
I understand that having to do all this while at the store can feel super frustrating and be embarassing in the moment, BUT, it can absolutely be a common thing we toddler moms have to do – until we help our toddlers calm down more effectively, regularly. It’s truly nothing to be disappointed with your toddler about. They’re learning and their behaviors are slowly being shaped.
Deep breaths momma!
Check out these tantrum & meltdown suggestions:
6. explain why + be firm and follow through, while still being loving
Whether your toddler is speaking or not, they can clearly sense your tone and vibe. Convey seriousness in serious situations so they can decipher it from your playful tone. No need to yell, shout or hound.
You can be serious, supportive and loving in the same instance.
Here is an example of this approach in action:
- “I cannot let you walk in the street, it is dangerous because the fast cars can’t see you. Danger! Stay on the sidewalk or mommy will put you in the stroller until we get to the park.” If they don’t hold your hand or stay on the sidewalk, place them in the stroller until you reach a safe area they can get out. No need to threaten to go home, which will probably make them freak out or cry more and make you more upset. Try this instead.
7. give them a second chance to try again
Because toddlers brains are still developing, we have to remember that they will naturally struggle with transitions and impulse control. It is not a fault or a ‘bad’ behavior, it is natural. Now, how can we work with that? Around it?
Give them a second chance.
When we know that toddlers struggle with transitions and impulse control because it is NATURAL for them and NOT a character flaw, we can offer second chances more willingly and without disappointment of anger.
I love second chances as common practice here in my home and at my Montessori-inspired daycare and preschool. Behavioral magic happens, I believe, when second chances are given.
Of course, if something is dangerous, don’t give your toddler a second chance to do it again.
But with listening, in general, allowing a second chance can help calm your toddler down and keep them from going into meltdown mode.
Here is this approach in action:
- “Hitting is not nice, even if you want the toy your brother has. I will not let you hurt brother, it is not ok. Go check on him and let’s try again. You can ask him for it or go find something else until he is done with it. Try again.” Instead of saying, “no hitting! go to timeout!”, try this. Not only are you correcting the behavior and telling them what IS allowed, you are teaching them how to genuinely comfort someone after they’ve hurt them (rather than force a disengenuine apology.
Check out these toddler behavior book suggestions:
8 more ways you can help your toddler calm down…
8. allow them to be an inherently messy, silly toddler
Toddlers aren’t adults! They’re silly, they’re messy. THIS IS NORMAL and they don’t need to be punished for behaving in natural toddler ways.
Let’s focus on showing them and teaching them so they learn better and more acceptable ways of doing things, without making them feel like they are bad or failing, along the way.
9. give them freedoms and responsibilities that become pride points
Try and slow down when possible and let them choose the other shirt, put their own shoes on, grab the keys for you, feed the dog even if it means some pieces spill on the ground. Helping you and doing things for themselves will give them pride, joy and make them feel like a functioning part of the family.
Allowing them to do these things will help your toddler calm down overall, as they will be an active participant in their daily routine, rather than having everything done to them.
10. spend genuine, focused one-on-one time doing things together that they are interested in
Just like you want to be listened to by your significant other after a long day, so does your toddler. They want that undivided attention, that comfort. Whether happy or blue, they want to share it with you.
When we find and foster a genuine connection with our toddlers, based on their fears, interests, pride points, we are able to approach parenting from a more calm and loving place.
11. read toddler and adult books about managing emotions
If you’re struggling with managing the stress and anxieties that can come with parenting your toddler, find some resources that will help you be more of the mom you’d like to be – more calm, more peaceful within, more patient….
Check out these mom peace reading suggestions:
12. name what they are most likely feeling
Sometimes naming their emotions will help your toddler calm down. When paired with a genuine tone and a comforting hug, this approach can be very helpful.
Here’s this approach in action:
- “You’re so upset that you can’t have another cookie, huh? You love cookies. I love cookies too. *Hug*. (sometimes they may calm and then ask for another cookie again. If so, you can use the approach of saying ‘yes’ for a later time. “Yes! tomorrow after nap we can have another cookie.)
13. chat about emotion management in low-pressure settings like bath time & play time
Often times, when toddlers are upset, they aren’t able to listen to and comprehend what you are saying. So, waiting for a calm time – like bath time – to talk about how they can behave in more acceptable ways when they’re upset, can be an effective practice.
Here is the is approach in action:
- (toddler is in bath playing) “You were upset today about daddy leaving, huh? It’s hard to say goodbye sometimes. Hugs feel so great when you are saying goodbye to someone you love so much, huh? Next time, instead of screaming and crying when daddy leaves, let’s give him 3 big bear hugs and 3 bug squishy kisses, ok? Let’s try that!”
14. use calmer parenting approaches
When things get crazy and we’re stressed ourselves, it can become habit to harshly respond to our toddler’s behavior – that’s enough! No park for you today! Stop crying!
The thing is, when these responses become your parenting habits, you will notice that your toddler becomes more upset, more aggressive, more irritated…
This does not help your toddler calm down or help them to learn healthy management. It also doesn’t help you to parent in the calm, loving way you most likely want to. AND it can create a strain on the parent-child relationship.
I remember a saying I heard at a toddler behavior conference: “a dysregulated adult can not help a toddler regulate themselves.” We must first find our calm, to help them find theirs.
They will need these coping mechanisms forever, and many adults find that they were raised in a way that shut down their emotions, rather than helped them regulate and manage them in a healthy way.
So now, these parents are trying to figure out how they can better model and teach their toddlers how to do this.
We are all learning, together. And it is okay not to know it all or to do it perfectly.
15. practice self care
You can’t serve from an empty platter momma!
Self care is an ESSENTIAL. It is self-preservation. It keeps us balanced and mentally fit and equipped.
The challenge for many moms, myself included, is that finding time to do things for ourselves can be very hard.
Some moms are with their toddlers all day and don’t have the resources to have someone help them. Some moms feel guilty that their child is in care all day, so they should spend every non-working moment with them. Some moms believe self care is a spa day or a vacation, and don’t know how to fit in little moments throughout the day that really truly help them reset, if that’s all the time they have.
Check out these mom self care suggestions:
16. Respond and manage stress in ways you want your toddler to
Your toddler is ripe for ‘observational learning’ – which is learning things by observing others.
Our actions and reactions MATTER. You can help your toddler calm down by showing them how YOU calm down.
Nonetheless, we are not perfect. So, if you do act or react in a way we wish we wouldn’t have – let’s apologize and talk about how we could’ve done it differently.
This is excellent modeling for our toddlers and great therapeutic practice for us moms!
And there you have it! You CAN help your toddler calm down more easily and have less outbursts in the future.
AND you CAN take more care of yourself and your parenting happiness, simultaneously. You’ve got this!
To calmer moms, more peaceful homes, and more loving feelings for all!
