The Best Way To Prevent & Handle 3 Year Old Tantrums

I own a Montessori-Inspired Playschool, where for just under a decade I have been working with 3-6 babies and toddlers in a 1:1 setting, ages 3 months to 5 years old. Lots of different temperaments, personalities, dynamics, and emotional needs for sure!

Here’s what I want you to know… 

You can start preventing many 3 year old tantrums and handling them with more ease within days. Yes, days. 

And, you can create a deeper, more connected bond with your toddler, no matter their behaviors.

Because, it is all about support. 

Yes mom.

I believe we all could use a little more of it in this world. 

Supporting your little one’s emotional regulation learning is the key here. 

That’s what we want to do. 

How they act is not personal. 

It’s not that they are naughty or you’re a bad parent, it’s that they have an underlying feeling and are learning how to respond to those feelings less impulsively, and they need support as they learn and practice more awareness and control. (Kind of like you need support, supporting your toddler, right? Criticism won’t help, shaming won’t help, supporting you/them will. Change will come with the right support!)  

With insight into the toddler brain, a prepared setting, and the techniques I share below, you’ll notice that your toddler is having less tantrums, and that you are more able to handle them calmly, with less stress. (My wish is to make this mindful approach more mainstream than traditional approaches, so that more parents can struggle less with 3 year old tantrums.)

Let’s take a look at how you can deal with your 3 year old’s tantrums…

The first thing I want you to do is: observe your child. Spend a day or two observing:

• Times of day your child usually tantrums

• Situations that usually cause a tantrum

• What responses worsen their tantrum

• What responses help the tantrum

Observing is one of the most powerful things we can do as parents (I have twin toddlers) and caregivers, to understand our children’s behaviors, and create a setting and approach, that makes co-existing with toddlers more manageable and calm for all.

As you observe your toddler, take some notes, in your phone or on paper, that you can refer to later or share with your partner and care team.

Next, I want you to read a bit further on toddler brain development. This book on toddler brain development is a very insightful read, even skimming it will support you in handling 3 year old tantrums. It will be life-changing during the toddler years, I swear.

When we know why things happen and what is developmentally appropriate, we can align the expectations we have of our toddlers with what is realistic, rather than having expectations that are far from what is truly realistic. Ultimately, we will feel more supported, empowered, and calmer.

Once you understand more about toddler brain development and have a clearer idea of when tantrums occur with your child, this is when we can start tweaking your setting and approach so that tantrums are happening less, and are easier for you to handle.

Here are 27 things you can start doing that will prevent and minimize many 3 year old tantrums:

• Include your child as an active participant in daily choices – Ie: “let’s go choose what clothes you want to wear today” instead of you choosing their clothes and just dressing them without saying anything. 

• Let your child be an active participant in daily duties often, even if it is a little messy or not the way you’d do it – Ie: “Go choose the plate and spoon you want to use for your mac and cheese lunch”, instead of you just plating their lunch, grabbing a spoon, and handing it to them. This gives the a sense of belonging, fulfillment, and pride. All of which make for a happy little one!

• Make things they use daily, safely accessible to them. Use learning towers in the kitchen, low-hanging command hooks by the door for their jackets, step stools in the bathroom, low cabinets for their plates, bowls, and snacks at snack time… It’s incredible the change in behaviors that can happen when a toddler can freely move and do daily tasks, safely, in their home. I follow a Montessori setup in my home and it is game-changing. This Montessori At Home book is a great read on how to make a more toddler-functional home. (Montessori approaches are life-changing. I can’t imagine parenting or working with toddlers, without Montessori in my life!)

• Build their emotional vocabulary by naming emotions as they happen – Ie: “You’re really upset that we have to leave the park. You love it here and it’s hard to say goodbye when you’re having so much fun.” “You’re feeling sad when it’s time to say goodbye at school drop off. Let’s do two extra hugs, a kiss on your hand so you can hold it all day, and you go hold your teacher’s hand while I walk to the car.”

• Skip timeouts and practice de-stressing habits together, instead. Then, discuss their behaviors after the heated moments have passed. This will build true coping skills and minimize outbursts, sooner. Ignoring them in a timeout will not give them the coping skills they need and may cause resentment and a disconnect between them and you. It’s all about teamwork, and you are the leader. Ie – “You’re having a hard time not hitting your brother when you are mad. Let’s take a break and play separately over here until you feel better.” Remove them, sit with them, play with something else, breathe, then talk about what they can do instead of hit if they feel mad. “You can ask me for help when brother grabs your toys instead of hit him, ok? Let’s practice.”

• Praise them and give them lots of positive attention when they use skills you’ve taught them, communicate with you, or show kind behaviors. Ie – “Aw, I love when you ask for things like that!” or “Look at you taking deep breaths, amazing babe!” This will encourage them to do more of these types of behaviors.

• Coach them to communicate instead of scream and fuss by having them use “I feel, I want” statements – Ie: Your toddler cries when you give them a peeled banana. You can tell them, “you are upset. Say what you feel and what you need, instead of scream and fuss, like this: I feel sad, I want to peel my own banana.” Putting their feelings into words is still very tricky for them, especially in an emotional moment (for us adults, too!)

• Be firm on the boundary and comforting (validating) toward your child’s feeling about the boundary. You know how it feels to be really excited about something and have your parent tell you “no”. It can be really upsetting! They probably didn’t say “no” to make you mad, but still you felt mad. Hearing your say, “I know you really wanted to go babe, but grandma and grandpa will be in town that weekend too, so you can’t do the sleepover. I’m sorry the timing didn’t line up better”, could make you feel heard, understood, and calmer toward your parent.

• Make all emotions ok and safe to express around you. After all, they are natural and human, and will happen forever. But, make it clear not all behaviors are allowed – Ie: “It is natural to feel mad. Hitting others when you are mad is not ok. If you want to hit, you can hit a pillow.” Say it matter-of-factly.

• Avoid giving into all of their demands, but also, don’t always say “no”. Be aware of how often you allow things and don’t allow things. It’s very important to have a fair balance. Be sure you are being fair to your child’s wants too, so they don’t feel like they have no say in what they want and can do. This will lead to frustration and resentment and outbursts.

• Show your support, explain situations, and tell them you are practicing together – Ie: “You are still learning how to control your body when you are frustrated. Mommy will watch and help you so you can practice talking instead of hitting and take big deep breaths to make your body feel better. Let’s keep practicing. You’re learning.” Saying this to them teaches them, becomes a voice in their head, makes them feel supported, and helps remind you of the reality of what’s going on, therefore relieves your stress.

• Physically remove them using hugs or a a peace corner as a calm, safe place to decompress and reset when emotions are really big and hard to handle. We all need a break sometimes, especially when things are really heated. Hugs lower stress levels by boosting oxytocin. Peace corners are calming spaces. A peace corner is an invaluable tool for all toddler households, even the parents benefit greatly from them! (We have 2 here and we use them daily.)

• Use the ‘de-stress then discuss’ method. Because 3 year olds are still just learning about their emotions and how to manage them, they naturally require a lot of emotional support from their parents and caregivers – whether they are angry, sad, or frustrated. Hugging and comforting a toddler through a hard time, then discussing appropriate behavior after they’ve calmed down and can pay attention to what you are saying, is far more effective than lecturing while they cry and pushing them away.

• Tap into your compassion. You experience these same emotions and you know it’s hard to deal with them yourself. Your little human is having a hard time. They are not trying to give you a hard time. They are genuinely having a hard time and need support. 

• Prioritize finding your calm before approaching their heated situation. You want to show them other ways of handling stress, not fuel the fire they already have going. This won’t teach them new skills. Sometimes, we aren’t able to support them in the moment. This is totally normal and it is more than ok to tell your toddler “mommy needs a minute and then I can help you.” Our role is to be the anchor in their storms, not part of their storm.

• Model appropriate behavior and announce it – Ie: “Mommy is really upset that we are stuck in traffic, just sitting and waiting. I’m going to take 4 deep ‘voo’ breaths to help my body feel better. Now, I’m going to turn on some music I like to make waiting easier.” Our children learn more from what we do than what we say, so modeling managing our big emotions is HUGE.

• Learn about the connection between how you feel about your toddler’s emotions and how your parents treated you when you were emotional. It can be hard for us to see our toddlers so out of control, especially if we haven’t read about toddler brain development or if we were punished or pushed away as a child when we showed emotion. How we were supported or not supported in our emotional ups and downs as children will affect how we instinctually respond to our own children.

• Read books about emotions and behaviors. This is one of my favorite books for talking about emotions with toddlers and another for what to do when you are feeling mad.

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• Use the phrase “it’s ok to (have feeling), it’s not okay to (do x behavior when you have x feeling)” – Ie: it’s ok to be mad that sister took the toy from your hands, it’s never ok to hit. Take a giant deep breath, tell sister to hand it back, and ask me for help if that doesn’t work.”

• Tell your toddler to ask you for help if they’re having big feelings or feel like hitting – Ie: “Ask me for help if brother isn’t listening or when you feel like pushing.” This will get them in the habit of asking for help instead of hitting right away.

• Recognize your child’s unique temperament and personality, and play into it now and again. Don’t expect them to behave like you or a sibling, or in any certain way. Some toddlers are so sweet and gentle, while others are rowdy, loud and silly. All is ok! Get a little rowdy sometimes, instead of always telling them to ‘calm down’. Play into their goofiness when they are putting their clothes on or saying goodbye at school. You will notice how much fun your toddler has with you and how much less frustrated they and you are (aka less tantrums). Your connection will deepen!

• Demonstrate patience. Announce when you or they are being patient. Praise the action. And get used to talking your toddler through their emotions and reminding them about acceptable behaviors. Remember, this is a time of building their foundation, coaching and guiding them through big feelings, interactions with siblings and friends, being flexible, controlling impulses, appropriately expressing themselves through communication – all of this is new and being learned. And some toddler struggle more with these things than others. A strong foundation will show and pay off as they age. 

• Remind your toddler – “communicate what you need instead of scream and fuss, I’m listening”.

• Prioritize making time for yourself each day and each week. Go for a walk by yourself, listening to a podcast, put the kids to bed early and watch a rerun of Friends, arrange a sitter and go grab a coffee or beer with a friend. Taking time for yourself, with no kid noise, adult conversations or quiet, can do so much for recharging and rejuvenating you. It is CRUCIAL because parenting is hard. 

• Keep yourself supported as a parent, by reading and listening to quality parenting materials and following insighful and supportive social media accounts for parents. There will always be another challenge ahead for us in parenting, staying supported all along the way will make motherhood far less stressful for you,and will allow a better bond with your child, and relationship with your family overall.

• Remember that emotions are messy and that children (nor adults) are not meant to behave ‘perfectly’, they are human. We must become resilient, build coping skills, create healthy stress relief habits, and then we can thrive, despite those messy emotions.