6. recognize potty cues, bring attention to them and practice pottying together
Your toddler most likely doesn’t recognize what it feels like before they have to go. And they probably won’t be able to communicate their urge to you before it happens. They will, with time and practice.
At the beginning of your potty training journey, it will make ALL the difference if you can jot down any pattern or cues you notice, bring their attention to their cues and remind them what to do when they feel that cue (crossing legs, dancing around, blank stare…)
And, try to always go with them to the potty when potty training, until they run off to go on their own. This will encourage them to go more and keep them comfortable.
7. Don’t compare your toddler to any other
‘Comparison is the thief of joy’ – Theodore Roosevelt. Put on those blinders! Most often, we won’t know how potty training with our toddler is going to go until we start. And the truth is, that we can still have these wonderful, connected, happy moments with our toddler during potty training despite the challenges, so long as we are not comparing them to others and getting frustrated by the comparison.
Try to stay focused on their progress and their successes, your teachings and encouragement, their smile when they are proud of themselves, the aha-moments they have, and the hugs and cuddles that are happening in between the challenges.
Just as your breastfeeding journey and bed time routine looks different than your besties, your potty training journey will too.
8. Designate toys and activities that interest them, for the bathroom only
This is an ultimate game-changer, especially when a toddler refuses to sit on potty, and something that is a unique cornerstone to my Mindful Potty Training Method.
‘Play is the work of the child’ -Maria Montessori
Toddlers are engrossed in meaningful work all day – learning, creating, exploring, exerting, using skills, gaining skills… and now, using the potty throughout the day, especially when just learning about their body’s urges and how to use the potty, it interrupts that important cycle and routine they have always known and need.
If we are mindful of this, we can intentionally meet our toddlers where they are in their developmental needs, and integrate potty training into their existing routine of play.
Not in a bribery way, not in a distraction way, but in a motivational, ‘help them calm down, sit comfortably, fully release and pass the time while they are waiting’ kind of way.
It’s different, and if you do it right, it is like MAGIC. Especially for ‘strong-willed’, uninterested toddlers and when a toddler refuses to sit on potty!
9. Celebrate their efforts and successes – small and big!
Practice makes progress! Are they starting to recognize the feeling in their belly before they pee? SUCCESS! Are they sitting longer on the potty? SUCCESS!
When you celebrate even the small stuff, this builds up their self-esteem and encourages them to keep trying, learning and doing!
After you bring attention to what it feels like in their body/what they do right before they pee, they will start noticing that and start taking action on it.
Practice can feel so slow to watch, especially with a toddler but it is what helps them get better at the task at hand.
And remember – sometimes if a toddler refuses to sit on potty, they might just be tired of running over to the potty. So, encouragement and praise for efforts can go a long way!
10. don’t attach the thought of whether you are a good mom or they are a good child to how long it takes to potty train
How long it takes to potty train does not define you or your toddler! End of story!
11. Stay close to the potty all day (or have a few potties stationed in different areas of your home that you’ll be in)
Staying close to the potty is key to cut down the work your toddler has to do, the distance they have to try and time to get to the potty, and the frustrations you and they will have when potty training.
Staying close to the potty or having multiple potties in the rooms you will be in (or backyard), can be very helpful if your toddler refuses to sit on potty due to FOMO or distance overwhelm (if they don’t want to have to go so far to do something they aren’t as pumped about as the magnet tiles they are using currently).
Even with the above scenario though, my Mindful Potty Training Method shows you how to almost never worry about this type of sitting resistance and potty power struggle, that most parents think is a sign they have to either force their toddler or give up! (hint: it’s not true!)
12. be playful, take pauses and enjoy each other along the way
Toddler extra fussy? Fuss a little back to them and give them a tickle then a twirl in the air!
Goofy, exaggerated silliness is most toddler’s love language.
You feeling extra emotional? Take a pause! Go sit outside in the backyard and have your coffee while your toddler digs in some rocks.
Toddler wake up in an extra sour mood one day? Let them take a pom pom bath, while you sit nearby with your iced latte and just sit in the quiet and calmness.
Big feelings crop up one too many times, and you are spent on co-regulating with them? Tell your toddler you guys need a little reset so you’re going to pause and grab an ice pop and go for a walk around the block in the sun.
These little moments keep you connected, regulated, more balanced and happy and WILL NOT hinder your potty training progress
ugh, toddler refuses to sit on potty
Potty training.
Labelled by many toddler moms as the hardest thing they have had to do so far in parenting.
Power struggles.
Tears.
Frustrations all around.
You feel like a failure, maybe disappointed and annoyed with your toddler.
Your toddler cries, runs away, screams and is completely uncooperative, despite your pleas and offers for a goodie or sticker, if they sit.
Bleh.
What I want you to remember when your toddler refuses to sit on potty
When your toddler refuses to sit on potty, there is a reason. They are feeling something they most likely can’t express. Luckily, we can help them identify feelings and talk through how they react to those feelings (more on this later…)
Here’s a BIG thing I want you to remember when your toddler refuses to sit on potty, or rather, for potty training in general (and this is coming from a daycare + preschool owner and twin toddler mom who has been potty training for almost a decade – whew!):
We put far too much pressure on ourselves and our toddlers to meet an ideal (eh hem, 3 day potty training method), a goal (eh hem, 3 day potty training method), a deadline (eh hem, 3 day potty training method), rather than considering who they are, their temperament, what motivates them and using THOSE THINGS to guide our unique potty training journey. (read that again!)
THIS ^ is often why toddler refuses to sit on potty – the pressure, the stress – internal and external, the vibe, the setting…
Usually, pressure is uncomfortable – we might force or punish or let our emotions boil up and explode. We might try and keep a calm, cool face but our words and behaviors aren’t genuine and inviting, because we are annoyed or disappointed that they aren’t meeting the hope or expectation of potty training we had in our mind…
Sound familiar?
Contrary to what many first time toddler moms think – the 3 day potty training method IS NOT the only option, it is 1 option. And it doesn’t work for a lot of families.
The toddlers who struggle to meet the expectations of the 3 day potty training method are often:
- afraid of how it feels to poop
- sensitive to big life changes
- like to have more control over themselves rather than follow someone else’s lead
These toddlers are typically classified under 2 of 3 general human temperaments: slow-to-warm and challenging/difficult. There’s a third temperament, which is ‘easy-going’, and obviously by the name, they are generally a good fit for the 3 day potty training method.
Around 60% of toddlers are reported to be ‘easy-going’ by their parents. So, the rest of you parents with slow-to-warm up toddlers and challenging toddlers, this is for you…
How to get your toddler to sit on the potty more easily
1. Let go of the hopes and expectations that are stressing you out and making you tense
You want them to be calm and happy about the potty, you hope they won’t cry or say ‘no!’, your sister’s toddler was a breeze to potty train so you really hope yours is too.
We must find our zen, momma! And lend it, as often as possible, to our little ball of big feelings toddler!
To do this, you have to let go of all of your, your MIL’s, society’s expectation of potty training and instead get curious about what your experience will be like and start preparing your mind, space, and toddler for this big change and helping them physically and emotionally, with this change.
Release yourself from any ideal or standard you have or that others have put upon you.
And remember that our role as a toddler parent is to help and guide, and that role doesn’t magically change during potty training. Just as they can’t put their shoes on by themselves right away and will get frustrated and need help, the same goes for potty training. Just like they were scared to go to the doctor, and needed you to tell them about it and comfort their worries, the same goes for potty training.
2. Be mindful of your toddler’s temperament
There are 3 main
temperaments that most humans fall into, toddlers included (haha, I know sometimes it feels like toddlers are a different species! But the truth is their brains are minimally developed vs our adult brain.)
Temperament is innate. Unlike personality, temperament is how your toddler naturally responds to the world around them, from birth (easy going, slow-to-warm up, challenging/difficult).
Many parents will say that they could tell that their toddler’s temperament was difficult from the time they were a baby or even in the womb!
Here are 9 major characteristics that make up someone’s temperament:
Without taking temperament into account, we are leaving out so much important and useful information that will help us in our potty training, nay parenting, approach! (Side note worth mentioning – we will parent our children differently and temperament is a big reason why!)
3. Take notice of their current behaviors
Are they showing signs of being afraid? Do they seem to always want to make the decision or have more control? Do they seem unfazed and completely disinterested?
Use these to your advantage, as key things you need to plan for, and adjust your potty training approach to include handling these, rather than avoiding them or being unaware of them.
What to try: If all of this is sounding deep and overwhelming to you, I understand! I only know all I know because of my profession that has given me almost a decade of hands-on toddler experience with dozens and dozens of different types of toddlers! After compiling all I know, I’ve created an in-depth FREE Mindful Potty Training Starter Guide that walks you through exactly how to potty train with more understanding about your toddler and their temperamental needs, so you can avoid the power struggle, tears and unnecessary stress, even if they have a difficult temperament!
4. co-regulate & talk about behaviors & feelings, regularly
As I mentioned earlier, when your toddler refuses to sit on potty, there is a reason. They are feeling something they most likely can’t express with words yet. For many potty training toddlers, they feel fear – about the change from a secure diaper they have always known, about the bathroom they have never used, about the intense way poop feels coming out of them, about a piece of them being flushed down the toilet…
All of these feelings your toddler has are valid. However, these big feelings and reactions to those feelings, can seem very foreign to us because using the bathroom is something we’ve been doing since we were their age.
We must get comfortable with them expressing their feelings and make it a point to help guide the actions that come after their feelings.
Scenario: They’re feeling scared so they cry and hit you.
Response: “It is normal to feel scared. This is all new and new can be scary. I’m right here with you, we’ll do it together.”
“Hitting though, is not ok, even if you are scared or mad.”
“Let’s practice saying, ‘I’m scared!’ instead of screaming and hitting, ok?”
Tell them what acceptable behavior is. This behavior is not an indication that they aren’t ready. This is an indication that they need some support, help and learning, to not feel scared anymore.
This is such a healthy practice in general, as it will teach your toddler to face and handle their big feelings (a gift that is so important for the rest of their life!)
What to try: My FREE Potty Masterclass is a wonderful resource for toddler moms who are potty training boys and potty training girls, where you will learn the *optimal* time to start potty training, what to expect and how to handle common challenges (like when toddler refuses to sit on potty!), what you must prepare -your toddler, yourself, your space-, and how to implement the connection-based, developmentally-aware Mindful Potty Training plan with ease!
5. practice daily emotional self-care for you
Self care is SO important, especially with my Mindful Potty Training Method. You are most likely already spent helping, learning, doing, cleaning, with a lack of sleep and a lack of support, while working on your relationship and body and…. So, it is a crucial and not-talked-about-enough potty training must! At least it is with my Mindful Potty Training. And absolute must!
When you spend even 10-15 minutes each day to yourself, to decompress, reset, laugh, breath fresh air, scream out the frustrations, sit in the quiet, move your body for you, fill your soul with nourishment… You will be able to react less to your toddler’s sounds and behaviors and instead, be able to respond more, keep the calm more, and move through the day easier.
Simple self-care and self-maintenance is a very important piece of motherhood in general, now that we have so many new noises, responsibilities and triggers we are exposed to, constantly.
Read this next:
Toddler Having Lots Of Big Feelings During Potty Training? Try These 10 Expert Tips
4 Best Ways To Introduce The Potty
