Authoritarian vs. Authoritative Parenting – A Comparison
Authoritarian parenting is one of the three main parenting styles identified by psychologist Diana Baumrind in the 1960’s that is characterized by strict rules, high demands, and low levels of warmth and responsiveness. (A fourth parenting style was added in the 1980’s – Neglectful/uninvolved – identified by Stanford researchers Eleanor Maccoby and John Martin).
Parents who adopt an authoritarian style of parenting tend to have very high expectations of their children, and they use punishments to maintain control and enforce obedience.
They tend to be less responsive to their children’s emotional needs and may be less willing to explain the reasons behind their rules and expectations.
They may not show appreciation or gratitude for their child’s behavior and achievements. Likewise, they might not celebrate and compliment their child.
While this parenting style can produce children who are obedient and follow rules, it can also lead to children who are anxious, insecure, and lacking in social skills.
Characteristics of an authoritarian parent:
- Demanding: Authoritarian parents tend to set high standards for their children and expect them to meet these standards without question.
- Controlling: These parents often make all the decisions for their children and do not allow them to make decisions for themselves.
- Discipline: Authoritarian parents use punishment as a means of enforcing rules and discipline. They may use physical punishment, such as spanking, or emotional punishment, such as withdrawing love or attention.
- Little warmth: Authoritarian parents tend to be emotionally distant and may not show affection or praise for their children’s accomplishments.
- Rigidity: These parents tend to be inflexible in their thinking and behavior. They may have a “my way or the highway” attitude and do not tolerate dissent or disagreement.
- High expectations: Authoritarian parents often have very high expectations for their children’s academic and social achievements, and may push their children to excel in these areas.
- Lack of communication: These parents may not listen to their children’s opinions or feelings, and may not communicate with them in a way that fosters open dialogue and mutual respect.
Authoritative parenting is also one of the three main parenting styles identified by psychologist Diana Baumrind.
This style is characterized by high levels of responsiveness (acting quickly and positively toward a child) and demandingness (setting rules and expectations they have their child follow).
Parents who use authoritative parenting set clear expectations, boundaries, and rules for their children, while also being warm, supportive, and responsive to their children’s needs and feelings as often as possible.
Authoritative parents encourage their children to be independent and self-reliant, while also providing guidance and support when needed.
They tend to celebrate their child’s progress and accomplishments, compliment them, and show gratitude for them.
They use positive reinforcement and praise to encourage behavior they want to see more of, while also providing consequences for behavior that is not allowed.
This parenting style has been associated with positive outcomes in children, including higher academic achievement, better social skills, and lower rates of problematic behavior.
Characteristics of an authoritative parent:
- Warmth and affection: Authoritative parents show love and affection to their children. They provide a nurturing environment that allows their children to feel safe and comfortable.
- Clear rules and boundaries: These parents set clear guidelines and expectations for their children’s behavior. They provide structure and consistency in their parenting style.
- Independence: Authoritative parents allow their children to make their own decisions, within certain limits. They encourage their children to think for themselves and to explore the world around them.
- Communication: These parents use reasoning and explanations to help their children understand why certain rules and boundaries are in place. They encourage their children to ask questions and to participate in decision-making.
- Listen to their children: Authoritative parents listen to their children’s opinions and concerns. They take their children’s feelings into consideration, and they are willing to compromise when necessary.
- Support and guidance: These parents provide support and guidance to their children. They offer help when their children need it, but they also allow their children to solve problems on their own.
- Values education: Authoritative parents place a high value on education. They encourage their children to succeed academically, and they provide resources to help their children achieve their goals.
- Models behavior they want to see: These parents model positive behavior for their children. They lead by example, demonstrating the values and behaviors they want their children to adopt, like waiting patiently, being kind, listening, being flexible, handling stress in healthy ways…
What does research say about authoritarian and authoritative parenting?
- Fathers tend to be perceived as more authoritarian than permissive, while mothers are more likely to use permissive and authoritative parenting styles (Conrade & Ho, 2001; McKinney & Renk, 2008;Olivari et al., 2015)
- In the US, roughly 46% of parents use the authoritative parenting style, 26% use the authoritarian parenting style, 18% use the permissive parenting style, and 10% neglectful parenting style. –Parenting for Brain
- The negative side effects to authoritarian parenting include: Children are aggressive, but can also be socially inept, shy and cannot make their own decisions. Children in these families have poor self-esteem, are poor judges of character and will rebel against authority figures when they are older. –MSU edu
- Parents who use an authoritarian parenting style were likely raised this way themselves. Likewise, their culture may also perpetuate this parenting style.
- Parenting styles have been associated with a variety of child outcomes in areas like social skills and academic performance. The children of authoritarian parents may: Act fearful or overly shy around others. Associate obedience and success with love. –VeryWell Mind
- Children and adolescents with anxiety disorders are more likely to be raised by non-authoritative parents (e.g. overprotective, authoritarian, and neglectful styles), who tend to employ exaggerated (e.g. preventing autonomy), harsh, or inconsistent control. –Taylor & Francis Group
You Might Also Like:
How To Get Your 4 Year Old To Listen Every Time (Without Yelling)
Permissive Parenting Style – What It Is & Child Outcomes
How To Avoid Power Struggles With Toddlers
How Can I Be Authoritative Not Authoritarian?
First, I want to say a huge kuddos to YOU for looking into the different parenting styles learning about the child outcomes, and becoming more self-aware about how your parenting will affect your child, the relationship you have with them, and the relationship they will have with others.
Parenting is no small task, and it can be one of the most consuming and challenging things we do.
It can also be a VASTLY different experience, depending on what parenting style we actively choose to adopt.
When you are aware that the parenting style you use can have a significant impact on the psychological and emotional development of your child, it is far easier to stay on track with a more authoritative parenting style.
While authoritarian parenting, which involves strict rules and harsh punishments, may have been the norm in the past, more and more parents are now opting for the authoritative parenting approach, which is characterized by warmth, responsiveness, and respect for the child’s perspective, because they are more aware of the negative effects of authoritarian parenting.
However, switching from an authoritarian parenting style to an authoritative one can be very difficult for some parents. One reason for this is that authoritarian parenting is often deeply ingrained in a parent’s own upbringing and the beliefs and behaviors of those around them.
They may have been raised in an authoritarian household, where obedience was valued above all else, and may find it hard to break away from this pattern of behavior.
Additionally, some parents may incorrectly view authoritative parenting as being too permissive (we now know this is untrue because of the many studies and research that shows how much better children from authoritative parenting do in life), and fear that their child will become spoiled or entitled if they are not harshly disciplined enough.
It can also be challenging for parents to adjust to the idea of sharing power and decision-making with their child, as this can be a very new and unfamiliar dynamic they aren’t sure how to navigate.
Ultimately, making the switch from authoritarian to authoritative parenting requires a willingness to examine and challenge one’s own beliefs and behaviors, as well as a commitment to building a healthy and positive relationship with one’s child. While it may be challenging at first, the benefits of adopting an authoritative parenting style can be significant, both for the parent and the child.
Here are some tips on how to be more authoritative not authoritarian:
- You need to look at your child as their own, whole person, who has unique desires, ideas, and emotional experiences different from your own. They aren’t here to be controlled, but to be learned about, understood, and supported as they navigate life as their own person.
- Set clear and fair rules, boundaries, and expectations: Children need to know what is expected of them and what consequences will be. Be clear about your rules and the consequences of breaking them. Be fair. Make sure your child understands why rules are in place and why they are important.
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You must set the rules, and be the one to comfort the feelings they have about those rules. Remember, responsiveness to your child is one of the main differences between authoritative and authoritarian parenting.
“I know you love the park and feel sad when we leave, but it is time to go. We’ll be back. Bye bye park. Let’s go home and get an ice pop! You want a hug to feel better?”
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Talk about the root cause of their behaviors – all feelings are ok but not all behaviors are: “It is upsetting when someone takes something from your hands, but you cannot hit. You can come ask mom for help, ok? Want a hug to feel better? Ok, let’s try again with no hitting.” (I’ve talked about the root cause of the behavior – he was upset, taught a lesson – hitting is not ok, offered comfort to his feeling, and had him try again. Discipline doesn’t have to be harsh and make children cry to work. It’s more about setting and enforcing fair, logical rules while also being loving and having empathy.)
- Be consistent with the goal, yet flexible with the path: Once you have set the rules, stick to them BUT let your child have a say in how the rules may be followed. For instance, if it is time to leave, there is no option of staying but they can choose how they’d like to get to the car – race or be carried. Or, maybe they always want “2 more minutes” when it’s time to turn off their ipad – set the timer for 2 minutes and tell them “Ok, in 2 minutes, you turn it off or I will.”
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You must teach them the ‘whys’ of the world, rather than bark orders expecting blind compliance ‘because you said so’.
Doing this actually helps a child be more cooperative, emotionally balanced, confident, and informed to make better decisions on their own, as they grow.
“You can choose 2 cookies today. You can have 2 more tomorrow. I can’t just let you eat all the cookies. I have to make sure you eat all different types of food to support your healthy body. I love the cookies too, it’s hard not to eat all of them. Want a hug to feel better?” Or, “We need to get to bed now so your body gets enough sleep to grow, clean your brain, and feel ready for another busy day of play and learning!”
- Celebrate your child: Compliment them, show gratitude, say thank you. How you treat them will be reciprocated to you and others in their lives. Your loving words will become beliefs they have about themselves and will shape how they feel about themselves as they grow. If you want your child to be kind, say great things about you and others, be grateful, say thank you, be patient, be helpful – show them how; be the example of all those things now. Bring attention to it when you are being patient – “this is what being patient looks like.” Bring attention to how to practice gratitude – “everyday before bed let’s all say 2 things we are grateful for.” Or, “before we leave the house, let’s look in the mirror and say 2 things we are proud of ourselves for.”
- Show empathy and understanding: Try to understand your child’s point of view and show empathy – how would you feel if your husband shouted it was time to leave a party you were having a blast at? How do you feel when you stub your toe? Tapping into your feelings and showing empathy will help you build a healthy relationship based on trust and respect.
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Get comfortable with natural emotions: Instead of ignoring your child’s emotions when you don’t understand them, simply recognize that your child is having a hard time and in need of comfort and support. Wouldn’t little you want that from the adults in your life? Many of us weren’t given this as a child so it can be a challenge for us to give to our child (*tears), but WE MUST get comfortable with emotions happening if we want to be more of an authoritative parent and less authoritarian. (If we aren’t comfortable letting our child feel, they will grow up not knowing how to handle their emotions – anger issues, unable to handle stress, depression – and they will not be able to help their child with emotions either. The generational cycle will continue.)
When your child is having an outburst, observe the feeling they might be having NOT the behavior, then ask questions, calmly, with care and curiosity.
“I can see this is hard for you. What’s the hard part? How are you feeling? I’m here for you, babe.”
Nurturing your child’s emotional learning and management is JUST as important as their scholarly learning, because it teaches them how to manage the natural emotions they have. It helps them build the necessary skills to cope with hard things, stress, thoughts and opinions of others.
- Be a good listener: Every human wants to be seen and heard. Listen to your child’s concerns and feelings. It feels so good to have someone who listens to us, to understand us. Think of a best friend, an aunt, a boss who listened to you – how did that make you feel? Listening will bring you closer, help you better understand your growing and changing child, and help you make the best decisions possible for you and your child.
- Praise behavior you want to see: When your child behaves well, praise and encourage them. Recognize them, appreciate them – “you’re doing it! Look at you! You got it babe! You’re such a kind big sister! You used such gentle hands with your brother babe! I love when you ask me in your normal, strong voice!” This will reinforce all the positive behavior, help you see all their great behavior more often, and make your child feel good about themselves.
- Get calm and connected before disciplining: Your child will listen and process better when they are calm and connected to you. Instead of shouting at them about how screaming at you is not ok when they want something (you are screaming at them to stop which is showing them how to behave and it’s closing them off to anything you say. Despite what you are saying, your actions are teaching them to shout at you.) Find ways to calm yourself before talking to your child (sometimes I take a few deep ‘voo’ breaths, sometimes I step away for a second, sometimes I say to myself “I can handle this fairly and calmly, this is part of my mom job”. Then, once you are calm, help your child get calm – tap into empathy and understanding. And finally, once the storm has passed, talk to your child about what happened, what feelings they had, why their behavior was not ok, and what they can do next time. Ie:
“Ok, let’s sit together for a minute.” Or, “You are very upset, let’s go outside for a sec.” Or, “I see you are mad, come take some deep breaths with mom and tell me what’s going on.” Just like a therapist would do with you so they can then talk to you and help you work through the problem in a right mind. Doing this will help everyone in your family be calmer, more balanced, more connected, and problem solve better with one another. - Teach your child to say when they’re upset, rather than be physical or internalize it and explode later:
“You were really upset that sister pushed you, so you pushed her and she hit her head. That is very dangerous and you both could get hurt. Pushing is not ok. What can you do instead of pushing when you are upset? You can say I’m mad! Stop! That will help let out your anger. And if sister doesn’t stop, step away and come ask me for help. Yes? Let’s try it. I’m here to make sure you do it.”
Remember, being an authoritative parent is about avoiding being controlling or demanding. Instead, it’s about being firm, fair, aware, loving, warm, collaborative and consistent.
By following these tips, you can build a healthier, stronger than ever relationship with your child that will endure through all the ages and stages, based on mutual respect and understanding.
And, you can raise your child to be secure, strong, considerate, kind, and thrive despite challenges they may face.
I know that this can feel like a major overhaul. Take it slow. Day by day, moment by moment. You can do it and it’s 1,000% worth it. Keep exposing yourself to this parenting style by reading and learning more and you will feel supported and get more and more comfortable, until this becomes your default parenting.
Here are some reading materials that can help support you in becoming authoritative and less authoritarian:
(Montessori strongly aligns with authoritative parenting. It changes the parent-child dynamic completely, for the better! I cannot imagine living without the knowledge from Montessori!)
(Helps you question mainstream parenting, understand more about the effects of your own upbringing, and look at parenting from a more holistic view – deep and incredible!)
How To Talk So Kids Listen Book
(Gives concrete examples of what to say and explains why talking to children a certain way works and other ways don’t work – a great guide to use daily, while building your authoritative parenting skills!)
And, for even more in-depth support, I highly encourage you to take a proven parenting class that will teach you and have you practicing more authoritative ways of parenting. Because, remember, how you were raised and treated can be deeply ingrained in you, your habits, your impulses, and responses to your child, so the more support and learning for you, the better!
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How Is An Authoritative Parent Different From An Authoritarian Parent?
We know that parenting styles can have a significant impact on a child’s development. So, let’s take a look at how an authoritative parent differs from an authoritarian parent, for both parent and child…
An authoritative parent is firm and consistent but also warm and responsive to their child’s needs.
They set clear boundaries and expectations for their children, and prioritize calm, 1:1 connection, and open communication with their child.
They are not of the mind that it is them vs their child, but their child and them on a team, navigating life together, aiming for balance, joy, closeness.
Authoritarian parents encourage independence and individuality, and do not see their child as an extension of themself but rather their own, whole person with unique wants, ideas, opinions and interests.
An authoritative parent considers their child’s feelings and opinions and involves them in decision-making, which creates a higher level of closeness, appreciation, and love, no matter the age.
This style of parenting tends to lead to children who are self-reliant, confident, and socially responsible.
On the other hand, an authoritarian parent is extremely strict and controlling.
They often rely on harsh punishment to enforce their rules and may not take their child’s feelings into account.
Authoritarian parents often chooses what their child does, wears, how they play – they micromanage, demand perfection, and withhold affection.
They equate obedience with being deserving of love.
Parents who follow an authoritarian parenting style often say things like, “too bad”, “because I said so”, “life is unfair”, “suck it up”, “you are a bad girl”, “what is the matter with you?”, “you can’t do anything right”….
They tend to shame, name-call, and spank or yell, or use consequences that are harsh and severe to even the mildest of unwanted behavior.
Children raised by authoritarian parents may be obedient and compliant, but they may also struggle with low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression.
Many children that come from authoritarian parenting fear or resent their parents. Others may use the same parenting style on their children because it is ingrained in them.
In summary, the main difference between an authoritative parent and an authoritarian parent is the level of warmth, responsiveness, acceptance, support, and flexibility they exhibit towards their child.
An authoritative parent provides structure with empathy and understanding, while an authoritarian parent uses fear and intimidation to control their child’s behavior.
What Is An Example Of An Authoritarian Parent?
One of the best ways to give you a clear example of an authoritarian parent is to use characters from movies.
There are several well-known movies with characters that portray authoritarian parents. One classic example is the movie “Matilda” based on the book by Roald Dahl. The film features a character named Miss Trunchbull who is the principal of Matilda’s school. She is portrayed as an authoritarian and abusive parent figure who is feared by all the students.
Another example is the movie “The Great Santini” where Robert Duvall plays the role of a strict and controlling Marine Corps officer who tries to impose his will on his family.
In the movie “The Pursuit of Happyness”, Will Smith portrays a father who is struggling to provide for his family. He is initially portrayed as an authoritarian parent who is very strict with his son, but later on, he learns to be more supportive and understanding.
Finally, the movie “Mommy Dearest” is based on the memoir of Christina Crawford, who was the adopted daughter of actress Joan Crawford. The movie portrays Joan Crawford as an authoritarian and abusive parent who was obsessed with her career and neglected her children.
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What Is The Difference Between Authoritative Parenting And Permissive Parenting?
Authoritative parenting provides both warmth, responsiveness to a child’s needs (including emotional needs), PLUS clear boundaries and appropriate consequences.
Permissive parenting often provides warmth and responsiveness WITHOUT clear boundaries, structure, or consequences.
Let’s look closer at a side-by-side comparison…
Authoritative parents set clear rules and expectations for their children, while also being flexible and willing to listen to their input and concerns.
Permissive parents allow their children to make their own decisions without setting clear boundaries or providing safety or age-appropriate guidance.
Authoritative parents regularly step in to discipline and teach, as a coach would.
Permissive parents avoid confrontation and discipline, even when a child’s behavior is harmful or disruptive.
Authoritative parents focus on being a loving guide for their child, with authority.
Permissive parents focus on being their child’s friend, without authority.
Authoritative parents maintain a balance between positive reinforcement and praise to recognize good behavior and accomplishments, and consequences for unwanted behaviors.
Permissive parents might only praise and compliment their child, without providing rules, structure, and consequences when needed.
Authoritative parents look for solutions when facing challenges with their child such as, trying new ways of communicating for better cooperation.
Permissive parents may take the stance of “that’s how kids are, there’s nothing we can do.”
Research has shown that children of permissive parents tend to struggle with self-regulation and have difficulty controlling their impulses.
They may also have lower academic achievement and higher rates of drug and alcohol use.
However, they tend to have higher self-esteem and better social skills compared to children of authoritarian parents.
In contrast, children of authoritative parents tend to have better self-regulation and are more self-reliant. They also tend to have higher academic achievement and lower rates of drug and alcohol use.
They may have slightly lower self-esteem compared to children of permissive parents, but they still have good social skills.
What Are Some Examples Of Permissive Parenting?
Here are 5 things a permissive parent might do:
- If their toddler hits another toddler, the parent may do nothing and say, “he doesn’t know any better because he’s so young”, rather than show the child how to use gentle hands, apologize on the toddler’s behalf, and separate their child from others, as needed.
- If their child screams for their mom or dad to pick them up, the parent will just pick them up, rather than tell them screaming at one another is not nice and to try asking in their normal voice.
- They probably never hold their child responsible for helping clean their room and their house. Instead, they do it all for them.
- They probably let their child skip doing homework because they don’t want to be the ‘boss’ or ‘bad guy’, instead of creating rules, support, and rewards around homework.
- These parents often let their children eat as much sugary food as they want, without providing a balance of wholesome foods, and limiting sugar foods.
What Are The Other Styles Of Parenting? (There's One Left!)
There’s one other style of parenting that we have not yet covered, and that’s ‘uninvolved’ parenting.
Uninvolved parenting is also known as neglectful parenting.
This style of parenting is where parents are largely absent from their children’s lives, not spending much quality time or creating a bond with their child.
Parents who practice uninvolved parenting do not provide their children with the attention, emotional support, or guidance, that they need to grow and thrive.
They may be physically present but emotionally unavailable, failing to meet their children’s basic needs for affection, attention, and care.
Here are 3 things an uninvolved parent might do or say:
- Disregard their child’s emotional needs: An uninvolved parent may not pay attention to their child’s emotional needs, such as when they are upset, angry, or sad. They may not offer comfort or support, leaving the child feeling ignored and neglected.
- Not prioritize their child’s education: An uninvolved parent may not be involved in their child’s education, such as not monitoring their homework, not attending parent-teacher conferences, or not encouraging them to study. This can lead the child to feel like their education is not important to their parent.
- Be physically absent: An uninvolved parent may not be physically present in their child’s life, either due to work commitments, social life, or other reasons. They may not attend their child’s events or activities, leaving the child feeling like they don’t have a supportive parent in their life.
This can lead to a host of negative outcomes for children, including poor academic performance, low self-esteem, and difficulties forming healthy relationships.
It is so important for parents to be aware of the potential consequences of uninvolved parenting and to strive to be actively involved in their children’s lives.
Which Parenting Style Is Best For Your Child?
One parenting style stands out from all the rest, according to research of the child outcomes it produces – the authoritative parenting style tends to be the most effective for promoting positive outcomes in children.
Authoritative parenting is characterized by setting clear rules and expectations, while also being supportive and responsive to a child’s needs, including emotional needs.
This parenting style encourages open communication, collaboration, and mutual respect between parent and child, creating a stronger bond and closer, more loving relationship than other parenting styles.
Authoritative parents are responsive to their children’s needs while also setting clear and reasonable expectations. As a result, children raised in this environment learn to manage their emotions, make responsible decisions, and develop strong social skills.
Research suggests that adults who were raised with an authoritative parenting style tend to have higher levels of self-esteem, self-reliance, and academic achievement compared to those raised with other parenting styles.
They are also more likely to have positive relationships with their peers and romantic partners, and are less likely to engage in risky behaviors such as drug use or delinquency.
Overall, the authoritative parenting style is associated with the most positive outcomes for children as they grow and develop into successful, self-reliant, balanced adults.
If you are currently trying to transition to be more of an authoritative parent, use the resources in this blog post to either take a parenting class or read some books from the above list, that will help you!
You and your child’s relationship and life will forever be changed, for the better!
Here’s to more peaceful, connected, and positive parenting, and calmer, happier homes!
Xx Poppy
