this article may contain affiliate links
Always Frustrated With Your Toddler?
These 7 Fundamental Things Will Make Each Day With Your Toddler
Easier & Happier
Frustrated with your toddler
Read this next:
Top 3 Reasons Your Toddler Acts So Irrationally & How You Can Handle The Behavior
Want a FREE instant download of my Toddler Tantrum Script Cheat Sheet? Drop your name & email below! We never spam.
Helpful scripts for: Leaving the park, daycare drop off, nap time, when they can't have something, and sharing, that set boundaries and tame tantrums.
7 things that will help you be less frustrated with your toddler and have less stressful days
1. Validate the normal human feelings they have
Our rational adult brains seek answers, seek to understand. And much of how toddlers behave seems unacceptable, outrageous, over the top, ridiculous, when in fact, it isn’t – not for an irrational, developing brain. It is normal.
It is normal AND it is a lot for us to manage and understand, because we are SO different and developed compared to our tiny counterparts.
Validating how they’re feeling or acting, instead of minimizing and disregarding it, can go A LONG way to calm an upset toddler. This does not reinforce any behavior, it tells them feelings are natural. Behavior is different than feelings. Behavior is a product of feelings…
Instead of, “it’s time to go! Listen to mom or we won’t come back to the park again!” You could validate them by saying, “it’s hard to leave the park when you’re having so much fun huh?! You love it here. It’s your favorite. It’s hard for mommy to leave when I’m having a great time too babe, I know.”
How do you feel when you are sharing your feelings and the person you are talking to says something supportive that shows they understand or empathize with you? Feels so nice right? Comforting? As compared to someone who tells you, “really? I don’t know why you feel that way. Get over it.” Yikes. That doesn’t feel so good when they disregard your feelings, right?
The same is true for your toddler. Disregarding them doesn’t feel good. It can worsen their mood. Their feelings are valid, just as yours are.
You don’t need to give in to what they’re fussing about. That is not the point, nor is it helpful for changing behaviors. Tantrums, crying and fussing WILL happen in toddlerhood because it is how toddlers respond when they don’t get something they want. And realistically, there will be many instances where they can’t get what they want. And not giving them things they want can be done fairly, while regarding their big feelings, which will in turn, calm those big feelings.
What we can do to tame those tantrums, is validate their feelings by naming them. You can also do this with behaviors. For instance, “You are so upset and hitting the pillow helps you release your mad!” We all need a release, even little toddlers. It’s okay! So long as they and others are safe, it is ok for them to release their feelings and it will help them (and you) manage and control them better, too.
Some other examples of validating are:
Instead of, “you’re fine. It’s ok. Not worth crying about.”
Try, “ouch! That hurt! Oh honey, that wasn’t nice of him! Ugh! I’m sorry that happened babe.”
Sometimes lines like this alone, help to soothe and calm an upset toddler. No matter how silly we think what they’re fussing about is, it’s a big deal to them and we’re here for them.
Validating their feelings is A LOT less exhausting than disregarding their feelings. And they will have feelings forever, so it is super helpful for us to get into the habit of validating, now.
2. Deep breathing together
If you’re frustrated with your toddler often and find the day more stressful than not, deep breathing together is an excellent exercise for the both of you.
Does this really do anything? Yes, it does SO much for our bodies in managing stressful moments.
“This is because when you breathe deeply, it sends a message to your brain to calm down and relax. The brain then sends this message to your body. Those things that happen when you are stressed, such as increased heart rate, fast breathing, and high blood pressure, all decrease as you breathe deeply to relax.” -University Of Michigan Health
By taking deep breaths, you are reclaiming control of your body when you are feeling out of control. Powerful, right?
By teaching your toddler to do this too, you are giving them skills they don’t already have, for managing their big feelings. It’s an invaluable gift. Soon, it will become a habit for them to take deep breaths on their own, because you helped instill it in them.
To have the best behavioral outcome when using deep breathing, kneel down to where they are or lift them up to your face level and say something like, “Ally, let’s calm our bodies down. Two big deep breaths with mom. One deep breath. Two deep breath. Ok, now our bodies are calm.”
Things like, “go calm down! go take some deep breaths!” will not help them to calm down and will most likely get them more worked up, which will be more noise and drama for you to be around and have to manage.
Taking 2-3 deep breaths with them, is the BEST way to calm down and work past a problem, quicker.
Many toddlers take a day, two or three, to adjust to taking a couple deep breaths when they’re upset. They may scream ‘no!’ or push you away if they’re really hyped up. This is normal and expected. Keep calm and genuine if this happens. “We are going to take some breaths before we do xyz.” Soon, they will warm up to and enjoy the benefits of those deep breaths, and the breathing will really help everyone calm down and reset (rather than spin into a bad mood all day.)
Making this a daily go-to will have you working through all the upset from your toddler with far more ease.
3. Collaboration
Unlike how we did everything for our infant, our new role as a toddler mom is really to help our little ones do things themselves. Because they want to, because they kind of can and soon will. They are their own people built for action. We need to collaborate.
Our toddler’s brain has it’s own ideas, desires, preferences, of which we have no control. And they are going to express interest and want to act on those ideas, desires and preferences.
So, how can we keep them safe, feeling fulfilled, manage the upset and still chug along through the to-dos in our day? Like any great team where everyone feels things are happy and fair, we can work together, take input from everyone and come to decisions together; we can collaborate.
For example: they want candy for breakfast, you don’t want to create a bad habit of eating candy for breakfast. How about instead of ‘no candy for breakfast’, you tell them to save it in a special spot and they can grab it after nap?
You’ve taken their request and placed it into their day as a ‘yes’, BUT in a way that also fulfills your goal of not building a not-great habit of having candy for breakfast. Win win. Your toddler may be happy about your plan or they may fuss because they can’t have it ‘now’. If the latter is the case, you can say something like, “we don’t have candy for breakfast but we can have it with lunch or after nap snack. You choose when and where to save it on the counter!”
Collaboration is fair and allows for less tears and less power struggles, more often than not, because our toddler feels heard, considered, and they are hearing yeses as often as they are hearing nos. There is balance for them and therefore, calmer behaviors for you.
Check out these helpful toddler behavior books:
4. ‘yes settings’ as often as possible
Toddlers aren’t adults. Their little brains don’t have the attention span or interest in what we do.
Taking a toddler around for errands, unless they are included in the process and decisions (which can be hard depending on what we are doing or how busy we are – god forbid we need to take an important call that requires all of our attention) can be very challenging for them and us.
Places like, the airport/airplane, a fancy restaurant, a high end shop, a quiet section of the library, are all examples of places that are not ‘yes’ settings for toddlers. They are not equipped or welcoming for toddlers, therefore we will be saying ‘no’ to them so much. And that is frustrating for them and for us parents.
Some examples of ‘yes settings’ are a playroom filled with age-appropriate toys with outlet covers and a baby gate to block off dad’s record collection, a park, an age-appropriate playground, a soft play cafe, grandma’s living room that has outlet covers, toys and all the antiques up out of reach, aunty J’s house that has toys, baby locks on the cupboards, toddler-size furniture…. These are settings where you can rest easier and your toddler can operate naturally.
And when running errands, a ‘yes setting’ might include them in the back of the shopping cart where they are responsible for grabbing a few things you need for the house, or an ipad with their favorite show or a drawing pad on it that they can use freely while you grab things…
Having spaces (and when running errands – supplies to keep them occupied) where your toddler can freely operate in, safely, minimizes the need for you to constantly helicopter and stress and allows them to be their messy, inquisitive, energetic selves, more happily, more often.
Less frustrations and restrictions for all!
So, think about if there is anywhere in your home that can be modified for you to say ‘no’, less. Some ideas are: placing bar stools on their sides, clearing your bathroom counter off and placing their stool next to your sink, removing oven dials when you are not cooking, setting up coat hooks and a mirror at your toddler’s level, laying a towel to protect the adult dinner table seat cushion.
Making your home, which is most likely where you spend the most time with your toddler, more ‘yes setting’ friendly – and not just baby-proofed – means that your toddler can operate easier in their home, safely, doing things on their own, feeling freer and happier, more often. And when they can do this, you will find they are less frustrated and you are having to say no a lot less, too.
More time in ‘yes settings’ can really change how your toddler behaves.
5. setting and holding Boundaries
Knowing what to expect and what is expected of them, is actually comforting for toddlers.
It’s like one big ‘yes setting’ – knowing the rules of the world they live in, at home, at school, out in the world, is so important.
Using ‘if, then/do you want’ statements can help you teach your toddler about the boundaries you set for them.
For example, “crayons go on the paper. If you can’t keep the crayon on the paper, then I will have to take it away. Do you want the crayons to go away? Then, keep them on the paper. There you go! Great job keeping them on the paper. You can keep coloring if you keep it on the paper.”
Here, you are telling them what is allowed and the consequence that will happen to them if they don’t listen to your directions. The boundary is very clear and it is their decision to keep the crayons on the paper or not. If they do not, you can take it away indefinitely or for a minute and try again. Because toddlers are still developing their impulse control and are naturally built to test limits, I have found that taking it away for a minute is more than enough to correct their behavior. I simply say, “we can try again in a minute”, and most don’t test the boundary because they know I am serious about following through with taking the crayon and paper.
Toddlerhood is one huge phase of constant learning and teaching. It’s one big teaching opportunity for us parents and that (along with managing big feelings) is what makes it sooooo exhausting. (Thank goodness for those deep chest breaths to manage the stress, huh!?) I also hugely advocate for self care, because when you are feeling balanced and fulfilled as a person, you are able to be a calmer, happier parent.
Let them thrive in a fair and collaborative routine! And handle those tears that will happen, with some validation, deep breathing and cuddles 😉 That’s a solid routine you can default for days with your toddler. You’ve got this! More calm is in your destiny with your toddler!
6. engaged one-on-one time
7. cuddles
BOnus! 8. self care
Check out these mom mental health books:
