How To Get 4 Year Olds To Listen
Listening is ALWAYS always allllways a topic of discussion with parents of preschoolers.
And when we talk about ‘listening’, we usually mean, ‘follow our directions when we say them the first time’.
I bet every friend you know complains about or has complained about their 4 year olds listening. I bet you’ve complained. I bet your parents complained. I bet your spouse has complained.
How to get 4 year olds to listen can feel like an impossible, losing, I-have-to-yell-and-get-mad-or-you-don’t-ever-listen battle. But it truly doesn’t have to be and *once* you know some key things (that I will share below!), it won’t be!
I am going to show you the many ways (yes, there are many!) you can get your 4 year old to listen, almost always.
I am going to show you how you can struggle less and get more cooperation, regularly.
As the mom of twin toddlers and the owner of a Montessori-inspired playschool caring for children ages 3 months to 5 years old, I am constantly in the early years phase and so, I have learned a TON of invaluable information!
And my mission is to share what I’ve learned so that more moms can have more peaceful homes, and be more of the type of parent they want to be.
Through trial and error, almost a decade of experience, mommying toddlers, and continued learning in the early childhood realm, I have amassed a boatload of information that I can share with you about how to get 4 year olds to listen (and eat new foods, and stop whining, and take turns, read, and show empathy….), so that you can have a calmer, happier home!
You will leave this blog post knowing how to get your 4 year old to listen and behave in more cooperative ways. Let’s dive into it…
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How To Get My 4-Year-Old To Listen And Behave
The most important place to start when talking about 4 year olds listening is at their stage in brain development, so that we can set OUR expectations according to their actual abilities.
Kind of like if we knew nothing about bikes and believed a bike could go as fast as a car. We’d be so mad and angry at our bike if it didn’t keep pace with the cars when we rode it. We’d wonder – “what is wrong with my bike?!” and we’d probably have a terrible riding experience.
But, if before riding a bike we knew it couldn’t go as fast as cars, we would not have the expectation that it could, and therefore wouldn’t be mad or angry at the bike. Instead, we’d enjoy the bike for what it is, and have a far different, more positive, peaceful, and calm riding experience.
What the research says about a 4 year olds ability to listen
Research suggests that young children may have difficulty with attention and impulse control due to the developing prefrontal cortex in their brain.
Additionally, environmental factors such as distractions or overstimulation can impact a child’s ability to focus and listen.
Many 4-year-olds may not listen to their parents due to their unique and natural developmental stage.
Children typically start developing better impulse control around the age of 4 or 5, but it can continue to mature throughout childhood and adolescence.
Every child is unique and may develop at their own pace.
Another thing to consider is the parent-child dynamic that can either clash or flow (like any other close personal relationship! More on this later…)
Also at this age, children are learning to assert their independence and may resist following directions or rules.
Many parents of children with a more challenging temperament (as opposed to an easy going or slow-to-warm temperament) find that their child rarely listens to them.
Depending on the parents’ own temperament, there can be flow or clashing in the home as well. Experts will tell you that very few parents flow perfectly with their children.
Similar temperaments can be great, if they are low key, or they can be a big challenge, if they are both stubborn.
Additionally, 4-year-olds have short attention spans and may become easily distracted or lose interest in what their parents are saying.
It is important for parents to be patient, clear, and consistent in their communication with their child, and to offer positive reinforcement and praise for good behavior.
Why I avoid using punishments (and use logical and natural consequences instead)
Many parents will ask me what to use as punishments for 4-year-old who’s not listening, and I always tell them that I avoid punishments because using them does not address the root problem, which means they may never really be aware of why they behave the way they do, and you will continue struggling to gain their cooperation. It could be a forever dance.
When parents use punishments, they often have to keep escalating the threat so that it has the ‘desired effect’ of compliance.
I know that we don’t need punishments.
I personally feel that punishments aren’t caring or nurturing. Instead, they cause disconnect and resentment between the child and parent.
Children naturally desire independence and control, yet they also require fair and firm boundaries, and lots of love and support, to help them grow into a self-aware, well-rounded person.
Us adults finding a way to provide this middle ground as their parent can be very challenging, especially if we came from an authoritarian parenting household.
Research echoes the same sentiment – that punishments don’t work.
If you are struggling with your 4-year-old listening, and currently use punishments, I urge you to try some of the techniques I use below instead and really pay attention to how differently your child behaves and how different you feel.
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How I Get 4 Year Olds To Listen No Matter What Their Temperament Or Developmental Stage Is
Here are all of the ways I get different types of 4-year-old to listen and follow my directions (get a pen or pin this because I have A LOT of strategies for you to try out, that work!):
- I focus on doing 3 key ‘connection’ points each day – the more connected you are with a child, the more open to your influence they are. Think supportive friends who listen, or the ‘cool aunt who gets you’. When we are connected, we are affected.
To use the 3 connection points each day, you simply want to be 100% present with your child:
- When they first wake up
- Mid-day (if possible)
- Right when you get home
- Before bed (Bonus, especially if you couldn’t be present mid-day)
Effectively ‘connecting’ with your child is very different than just being around them, or saying good morning.
Instead, you want to put everything else aside for 7-10 minutes, and be 100% present with your child.
During this time, have no agenda other than being down at their level and following their lead for 7-10 minutes.
Usually I sit on the floor making myself open and accessible to them.
Open your arms for a hug and ask if they got good sleep.
If you’re just getting home from work, put your things down and sit with them. Open your arms for a hug and tell them you missed them and love to see their smiling face.
For 7-10 minutes, make it about hugging, learning something about them or their day, doing something they are excited about, reminiscing on a fun thing you did together…
Maybe after a hug they want to have a snack with you.
Or, maybe they don’t come in for a hug right away because they are so excited to show you a tower they built. Go see it, celebrate their joy and accomplishment, sit for a bit and see what they want to do with you for the next few moments.
Presence feels so good when we receive it from others. The same is true for our children.
We are their first, most important relationship in their young childhood lives. And having presence in relationships feels so good, makes us happy, feel close, understood, loved, seen and heard.
Being present and letting them take the lead, connects you and your child, strengthens your bond, and ultimately helps you gain more cooperation when giving directions or discipline.
- I give LOTS of freedom within limits that I set – letting your 4-year-old exercise their natural desire to choose and have control within boundaries you set, will make them feel happier and more likely to cooperate with you. Think a hovering boss versus a boss who sets rules and otherwise, let’s you do your thing as long as you do the work and follow the rules.
If you’ve never heard about freedom within limits, I encourage you to look more into it and adopt this practice asap. It comes from Montessori education, and like connecting that we just talked about, I believe all children do best when given freedom within limits.
You can read more about freedom within limits in the Montessori Toddler Book (An easy to thumb through book I highly recommend to parents who struggle with their children! Montessori is my road map in parenting and working with young children -can’t imagine life without it!)
Freedom within limits is a fundamental concept in Montessori education. It refers to the idea that children should have the freedom to explore in their own way and learn in a safe and prepared environment.
Think ‘yes spaces’.
The limits that are set include ground rules, such as respecting others and the environment, as well as guidelines for using materials and participating in activities with others, and making clear what will happen if they aren’t able to follow the rules. Think taking turns nicely, waiting patiently, keeping hands to ourselves, or otherwise you cannot participate in the activity…
By providing children with freedom within these limits, they are empowered to take ownership of their day and develop independence, self-discipline, a love for learning, participating, and an appreciation for their parent who supports them along the way.
To start giving your 4-year-old freedom withing limits, you can set up parts of your home to be safely accessible to them for more choice and independence, and make rules they need to follow, with clear consequences. Ie:
- Make a snack drawer that they can access themselves. They can choose any 2 things they want from that drawer, when it is snack time. If they grab snacks outside of snack time, then they will not be able to choose their own snack at snack time.
- Make some of their clothes accessible to them so they can choose their own outfits each day. They can choose whatever they want to wear as long as it suits the weather, covers them appropriately, and they keep their clothes put away.
- Create a separate play space for when the older sibling needs a break from the younger sibling. It doesn’t have to be a negative thing for siblings to need space (it’s normal and young children often don’t know how to take space for themselves when they are feeling frustrated or overwhelmed, so parents teaching and helping with this is key.) Your child can go there whenever they need some space, and it’s their responsibility to keep it organized.
- Let your 4-year-old grab things and put them in the cart at the grocery store, as long as they are on the shopping list. If they are grabbing other things, then you won’t be able to let them help.
- I get close when I talk to them, ask questions, and re-state rules or boundaries that I set – remember, a 4-year-old’s brain development stage might be working against them when you give directions – they might get distracted and not hear you, they might be having a hard time controlling their impulse not to do something… Getting close will demand more of their attention, plus you can help them if they are struggling, AND we are often able to stay calmer in our delivery when we are close. If we are shouting across the yard, we may find ourselves getting more and more upset and out of control.
- I set and describe logical consequences so they understand the ‘why’ and importance – the most effective consequences are immediate, fair, and directly related to the incident. And telling your 4-year-old why there is a rule or direction about something will help them understand and cooperate.
- If a child does not help clean up their toys, they won’t be able to join the next activity until they do. Why? Because we all play, so it’s all of our responsibility to help put away and keep our play area tidy. That is fair and good teamwork.
- If a child hits a friend, they will have to sit out of the game for a few minutes and have a discussion about hitting. Why? Because hitting hurts and is not ok. We can find other ways to express our feelings.
- If a child refuses to take turns with a shared toy, they won’t be able to participate in the group activity. Why? Because when there is only one shared toy and a bunch of children, we need to make a plan to take turns. Everyone wants a turn and needs to be fair in giving a turn or they can’t have a turn.
- I hold firmly to consequences after 2 reminders, while also validating feelings, then giving a second chance – For example, if I say that they will have to play separately if they grab toys from someone else, I will remind them twice to wait their turn and if not, I will have to separate them. This shows 4-year-olds that when I say something, I am serious. I won’t just repeat over and over, and yell at them. Instead, I state the rule and deliver calmly, like a confident leader.
This might sound like, “Grabbing toys from someone else’s hand is not ok. You don’t want them to do it to you. Ask for a turn or wait your turn. I know it can be hard, but you can play with the trucks or sand while you wait. Hands down while you wait or I will have to take you to play in the other room. Ok, we have to go to the other room.” I would then lift them up of lead them to the other room.
No threats, just follow through. This is their consequence and it gives them time to take a break from the feeling that was driving their behavior.
After being in the other room, I either say, “You can go back whenever you are ready to wait patiently with your hands down.” Or, “let’s take some deep breaths and try again in a minute.”
- I give them some ideas on how to problem solve – 4-year-olds have come a long way from being a wobbly 12-month-old, yet they are still in a tender phase where they are learning and practicing social skills like effective communication, teamwork, and being considerate of others. So, helping them come up with ideas on how to problem solve in healthy ways, will get them independently solving problems sooner, so you don’t always have to intervene.
I might say something like, “You and your brother both want the bike, how can you figure out a plan for taking turns? Someone can go first this time and someone can go first next time.” Or, “You both want to go first, what can you say to each other to decide who goes first? Maybe ask if you can go first and then be flexible to let someone else go first?”
By doing this you are planting ideas of how they can problem solve and then letting them practice it in real time, instead of barking orders or having to be the manager of them.
Doing this, you will find in time that our 4-year-old is problem solving more on their own, so you are having to give them directions less and less.
- I teach them about empathy so they know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of things – Helping your 4-year-old empathize with others will help them choose kinder behaviors on their own, and listen to you when you remind them to do/not to do something.
- I announce their feelings and use hugs as tools (in addition to showing love) to get past rough moments – Does your 4-year-old ever get upset by a rule or your directions, and start crying or fussing? And then maybe you feel upset or annoyed that they are upset? Of course, right? This happens to some parents more than others.
This is where announcing feelings and offering hugs (hugs are proven to relieve stress, calm the nervous system, and make us feel happier) comes in huge, so you can then move on to the next task, rather than have a continually whining, crying child on your hands!
They will feel validated and you will gain cooperation.
If I notice a 4-year-old gets upset, I might say, “You’re so upset that it’s not your turn. You love that toy. I know, it can be hard to wait when you love using something so much. I can sit and wait with you. Want a hug to feel better?” Or, “I know you love the park, we can come back another day. Bye bye park, love you! Want a hug to feel better while we walk to the car?”
Announce those feelings and hand out those hugs! (Que Oprah – “You get a hug! You get a hug! You get a hug!”)
- I give them a heads up a few minutes before transitions so they can prepare AND give them something to focus on next – Imagine you’re at a party, in the middle of a conversation, having a great time, and your husband pops his head in the room and shouts, “time to go Dana! Now! We have to go. Say bye now. Don’t be upset. We can’t stay here all night.” Would you feel shocked, maybe annoyed, upset? Maybe you’d want a few more minutes to wrap up your conversation before leaving? The same goes for 4-year-olds! A few minutes heads up can go a LOOONG way! So cab giving them something to look forward to next. Because, they are in the moment and might not be able to think about the fact that they will do other cool things after they leave their current situation.
When I use this, it might sound like, “alright babe, we have 5 more minutes here. Choose what you you want to do for your last 5 minutes – swings, sand, slides, you choose! After this, we will go get our yogurt pops, yum!”
This is such a great way to transition your young child from one event to another with more ease and positive vibes! (As opposed to – “we have to go now, it’s so late, it’s nap time, you’ve played a lot, we have to go, come on!”)
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- I get them involved in the process so they are ‘on my team’, by asking questions – Get their mind focused on the task you are talking about by getting them to use their brain to think of ideas!
- I use “if, then” statements PLUS a question at the end – Sometimes 4-year-olds are caught up in a feeling or with another task, and can’t see other persectives. I find that “if, then” statements help capture their attention and get them motivated to follow directions to get to the goal.
I might say things like, “If you want to go to the park, then get your shoes on and sit by the door. Do you want to go to the park? Then, shoes! Let’s do it!” Or, “If you want to read 2 stories before bed, then we need to get started on bath now or we won’t have time for stories. Do you want stories before bed? Then, let’s get into the bath, woohoo!
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- I praise the behavior I want to see more of – Doing this does 3 amazing things – it makes your 4-year-old feel great and want to do more of what they are being praised for, AND it helps you see just how often your child is actually listening, helping, awesome, fun, loving, kind, thoughtful, sweet…
- I talk with them about my role as a parent – Being transparent with 4-year-olds about my role as a parent or caregiver gives reason to why I say what I say, helps them understand, and makes them more cooperative.
- I use “show me that you can” statements – This sounds like, “If you want to help me cook this, we need to use gentle hands, and listen closely to the directions so we can stay safe, ok? Show me that you can use gentle hands.”
- I follow through on consequences even if a child is fussy (and I validate their feeling, then give another chance after the consequence) – 4-year-olds are going to cry, fuss, or whine when you enforce consequences. Be ready for it. Validate that feeling of being upset, offer a hug, and once they are calm, remind them of what they can do to avoid the consequence.
For example, maybe you set the rule that your child has to hold your hand to walk and if they can’t, they will have to sit in the shopping cart.
If they don’t follow the rule, you might say, “I know you don’t want to ride in the shopping cart, but you can only walk if you hold my hand and stay close. You weren’t, so you have to be in the cart.”
You could then give them one more opportunity after putting them in the cart. That might sound like, “show me” statement from above, like this, “show me that you can hold my hand quietly and you can walk instead of ride in the shopping cart. “
Putting them in the cart is key, so they experience the consequence.
What I love about giving them another chance is 99% of the time they change behavior, and you don’t have a crying child on your hands.
You’ll find that you are less worked up too, because you are not repeating, and yelling, and threatening, and then getting mad that you do those things. You are simply, stating a rule and a consequence, following through on the consequence, then giving another chance. Usually this works within a minute or two!
- I don’t withhold hugs and love, instead I comfort feelings and take those moments to calm down together then discuss what happened – I know it can be hard to give a hug when you are feeling upset. But, you can get better with practice and doing this will help you gain more cooperation and connection with your child. Take a moment away or some deep breaths to calm down, first as needed. You can even say to yourself, “I can handle this. It is part of my job to help my child through their emotions and actions”. A lot of the time we feel like we can’t handle something, so telling yourself that you can, can really help in calming and centering you before approaching your child for discipline.
- I say “you do it or I will” after 2 reminders – For example, if I say that we are in a rush and have to go fast so they need to choose their shoes now, I will remind them twice, and then tell them that if they don’t choose, I will.
Remember 4-year-olds like to have power and choice. This statement takes those away, which means it motivates them.
- I ask what will make it easier for them to do XYZ – Like we’ve talked about – 4-year-olds have a strong mind of their own and strong driving desires – tap into those! See what ideas they have! As long as you are getting to the goal, it’s a win.
Asking these questions and putting their ideas into play can make a world of difference with your 4-year-old!
- I let them be themselves, silly, emotional, wild, and focus on the root causes of their behaviors – If we’re at the park and they start crying, I don’t tell them not to cry, I ask them what’s up – even if others are watching. If you tune into them instead of out, you will get past the moment, sooner. If we’re on a flight and they are whining, I don’t tell them to stop whining, I suggest a few reasons they might be whining and help them talk in their normal, strong voice. If they’re running wild and making tarzan noises at the park, I let them! I join in or say, “look at you little tarzan!” They are releasing and playing, and being free. (Of course, I would tell them to wait to do it at the park, if we were at the store or dinner.)
How I Discipline 4 Year Olds Without Anger, Yelling, Threatening, Or Punishments, And See Changed Behaviors Fast
Montessori philosophy emphasizes natural consequences to help children learn from their mistakes. Here are three examples of consequences for 4-year-olds in the Montessori style:
- If a child spills water while pouring, they will learn to clean it up with a sponge or cloth.
- If a child is rough with a material, they may damage it and not be able to use it again until it is fixed or replaced.
- If a child is not respecting the personal space of another child, they may be asked to take a break and play on their own for a few minutes.
Montessori-style discipline for 4-year-olds emphasizes respect for the child as a whole person, and encourages positive behavior through natural consequences. Here are four examples of how to use discipline in a Montessori approach:
- Redirecting behavior: If a child is misbehaving, a Montessori-style approach would be to redirect their attention to a more appropriate activity or behavior.
- Encouraging independence: Giving a child opportunities to be independent, such as allowing them to choose their own activities or dress themselves, can promote positive behavior.
- Positive reinforcement: Praising a child for good behavior can reinforce positive habits. For example, saying “thank you for putting away your toys” can encourage them to continue doing so in the future.
- Consistency: Consistently enforcing rules and boundaries helps children understand what is expected of them and promotes a sense of security.
Conclusion
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