What Is A Permissive Parenting Style?
A permissive parenting style is where parents are lenient, hands-off, and allow their child to have a lot of freedom without setting clear boundaries or rules.
Here are three examples of permissive parenting:
- Allowing a toddler to have access to electronics for long periods of time without any restrictions or supervision.
- Giving in to a toddler’s demands for sweets or only certain foods, instead of providing well-balanced, wholesome meal options.
- A parent who allows their child to stay up as late as they want and skip school whenever they feel like it.
Permissive parents also tend to avoid discussions and confrontations with their children to discuss unwanted behaviors or necessary consequences.
Additionally, permissive parents may have a tendency to spoil their children, “which can damage, or harm their character by unwise treatment, excessive indulgence.” – dictionary.com
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Permissive Vs Authoritative Parenting
A permissive parenting style is characterized by a lack of rules and structure, while authoritative parenting involves clear rules and guidance coupled with warmth, presence and support.
An authoritative parent might say things like “I trust you to make good decisions,” “Let’s talk about why that behavior was not okay,” or “What can we do to fix this problem together?” “You don’t need to eat these vegetables if you don’t like the flavor, but it is important that we find ones you like because your body needs the nutrients from vegetables to be strong and healthy”, or “It’s okay to be mad, but it’s not okay to hit. How can you handle being angry in a safer way? Maybe deep breaths, say “I’m mad!”, come ask mom for help?”
On the other hand, a permissive parent might say things like “Do whatever you want,” “I don’t care what you do,” or “Don’t worry about how it affects others, just do what you want”, or “You did it because you were mad”, or “You don’t have to eat veggies.”
Overall, authoritative parenting tends to lead to better outcomes for children in terms of academic achievement, social skills, and emotional well-being.
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Permissive Vs Authoritarian Parenting
A permissive parenting style is where parents are have few rules, don’t enforce consequences, and are ‘hands-off’ when it comes to teaching right and wrong, emotional intelligence, and how the world works.
Authoritarian parenting, on the other hand, is a parenting style where parents are highly involved, strict and have high demands.
It’s the “I’m big, you’re small” kind of parenting. The “”I’m always right and you’re always wrong, because I am the parent and you are the child”, kind of parenting.
Authoritarian parents often use corporal punishments such as spanking, and set demands on their children, such as hobbies they will do, grades they must get, and jobs they must have.
Here are three examples of how an authoritarian parent might talk to their child compared to a permissive parent:
- Authoritarian parent: “You will have a tutor because I said so.” Permissive parent: “You don’t need a tutor if you don’t want one, even if you are failing.”
- Authoritarian parent: “You’re grounded for a week for not cleaning your room.” Permissive parent: “You don’t need to clean your room, I’ll just do it.”
- Authoritarian parent: “I don’t care if you don’t like it, you’re eating all your vegetables before leaving the table.” Permissive parent: “You don’t have to eat any vegetables.”
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Permissive Vs Neglectful Parenting
Neglectful parenting involves parents who are emotionally distant and uninvolved in their child’s life, often failing to provide basic needs such as food, shelter, emotional support, and medical care.
A permissive parenting style, on the other hand, involves parents who are very involved in their child’s life but lack discipline and structure, often allowing their child to do whatever they want without limits and consequences.
Here are three examples of how a neglectful parent might talk to their child:
- “I don’t care what you do, just leave me alone.”
- “Stop bothering me, I’m busy.”
- “You’re on your own, figure it out yourself.”
In contrast, here are three examples of how a permissive parent might talk to their child:
- “It’s okay if you don’t want to do your homework, you can do it later.”
- “Sure, you can have another cookie even though that’s all you’re eating for ‘dinner’.”
- “You don’t have to clean your room if you don’t want to, I’ll just do it for you.”
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Permissive Parenting Style Examples
Here are 5 things a parent with a permissive parenting style might say to their child:
- “It’s okay if you don’t want to do your homework tonight even if it’s due tomorrow.”
- “You can stay up as late as you want, it’s your choice.”
- “I won’t do anything if you hit your sister.”
- “You can have another cookie if you want, even if that’s all you eat. At least you’re eating.”
- “You don’t need to wear your helmet if it makes you upset. You can scooter without it, that’s fine.”
A permissive parent might allow their child to:
- Break rules without consequences or discipline.
- Make decisions without guidance or direction.
- Engage in behavior that is not age-appropriate or safe.
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Permissive Parenting Outcomes
Research has shown that children who grew up with a permissive parenting style tend to have poor self-control and struggle with boundaries.
They may also have difficulty with authority figures and have a higher risk of engaging in risky behaviors such as drug use and sexual activity at a younger age.
Additionally, they may struggle with academic performance and have lower self-esteem.
However, it is important to note that every child is different and parenting styles are just one factor among many that contribute to a child’s development.
According to research, authoritative parenting style tends to have the best child outcomes. This style involves setting clear rules and expectations for children while also showing warmth, responsiveness, and support. (You can learn more about how to be an authoritative parent with this training that helps parents break current habits and step into a calmer, more connected, more mutually beneficial parenting style.)
Authoritative parents are able to balance being demanding and being responsive to their child’s needs, which helps children develop self-esteem, self-control, and social competence.
In contrast, authoritarian parents tend to be too strict and punitive, which can lead to children feeling anxious and rebellious, while permissive parents tend to be too lenient and uninvolved, which can lead to children lacking self-discipline and responsibility.
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How To Change Permissive Parenting
To change from being a permissive parent, one can start by setting clear boundaries and expectations for their child.
Ie:
- “It’s okay to be mad. It’s not okay to hit. If you hit, you will have to play separately and repair with your friend before you can play with them again.”
- “The rule for walking is we hold mommy’s hand to stay safe around cars. If you cannot hold my hand, I will put you in the stroller. Do you want to walk? Ok, then grab my hand.”
- “The rule to play on the swings is we must take turns with others and wait patiently while they have a turn. If you can’t take turns, you can’t have a turn. Would you like 2 or 3 minutes for your turn?”
- “We need to keep our rooms clean so we know where things are, don’t trip and get hurt, and bugs don’t come. Choose 3 things to clean up tonight, then we can do a bedtime story.”
- “Let’s do some taste tests and find some veggies you love! We need different foods, like fruits, veggies, and proteins, to keep our body strong and growing! There are lots of veggies you haven’t tried, you’re going to discover ones you love for sure! You choose the ones you want to try from the store!”
It’s important to communicate these boundaries in a calm and consistent manner.
Additionally, following through on consequences when a child crosses those boundaries can help reinforce the importance of respecting rules.
It can also be super helpful to work on building a stronger relationship with the child, through communication and genuine 1:1 time where you let them take the lead, as this can make it easier for them to understand and accept the rules you set.
Seeking guidance books or a therapist can also provide valuable support and advice during this process.
You can look into parenting workshops and trainings like this one.
One of my favorite places to tell parents to start is by recommending the book – The Montessori Toddler.
The Montessori approach aligns strongly with the authoritative approach and this book will be a roadmap for parents who want help being walked through how to do it and make necessary parenting changes.
This book will help you make adjustments to your discipline, communication, home set up, consequences, and more so that you can have the best parental and child outcomes.
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