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3 Examples Of How To Use Appropriate Toddler Consequences That Will Make Parenting Easier For You
conclusion
Say something once or twice, then be very specific about what will happen if they don’t do what you asked them to do.
Appropriate toddler consequences happen quickly after the incident happens.
Be fair.
Timers can be great.
Explaining and practicing again and again, is important.
Remember, where their brain is in development.
Remember, they have a very limited social and emotional skillset.
Remember, we are responsible for allowing them to practice to learn new skills.
Remember, there are literally learning everything – how to consider others’ points of view, how to listen, what is safe and not safe, what is ok and not ok, what happens after they have a big emotion, how to control their body, how to be kind, how to …. ALL the things!
Exercise patience but be firm with your follow through on fair, age appropriate toddler consequences, and come preschool age and beyond, you will have an emotionally intelligent, kind, considerate, cooperative yet independent child who feels supported, loved and capable!
Ah, what a beautiful thing!
And remember, you won’t always say it right or be calm or respond BUT you are aware of why it matters and you are aiming for it in your parenting, even when you are disciplining and dealing with those difficult behaviors.
Kudos to you for being the wonderful mom your toddler needs, deserves and loves!
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appropriate toddler consequence #2
“If you don’t turn off your ipad when the timer goes off, I will turn it off.”
The ipad is going off whether you do it or I do it. Fair and direct. You can do this with things like “put your shoes on” or “time to come inside” too.
It’s hard for anyone to do something someone else tells them to at the drop of a dime (when we ask our husband to dump the rubbish, huh?). Plus, toddlers take longer to process things than we do.
How to use it:
Give a heads up (talking slowly and ideally getting close to their face): “ok love, 5 more minutes and we are moving on to brushing out teeth and bedtime dance party! I’m setting the timer now. When you hear it go off, you turn off the ipad or I will have to. You can pick up where you left off tomorrow.”
I’ve found that many toddlers spring up and turn it off once they hear the timer. Others don’t.
For those who don’t turn it off, I give one more reminder of what needs to happen AND what is happening next: “Op, there’s the timer! Ipad off. Bye bye show, love you! Time for dance party and teeth!”
Giving them that exciting thing to look forward to next (dance party) gets their mind off of the not-so-pleasant task of saying goodbye to something they love, which means more cooperation and less tantrums. Why not mention something cool that is going to happen next?
And if they still don’t turn it off, I calmly say: “Ok, mommy’s coming to turn it off.” Most want to ‘do it themselves’ or keep that control, so they do it. And on occasion, I do have to turn it off and weather some tears.
When weathering the tears of upset about turning the ipad off, I remind them why, validate their sadness, hug and help them move on by taking deep breaths together, waiting until they are calmer then – dance party or teeth.
What it looks like when it works:
Even if your toddler springs up most of the time to turn off their ipad, they still might struggle some days – maybe it was an emotionally charged day, maybe they are overtired, maybe they are already upset about something else – who knows!
But, more often than not, they are turning it off and requesting a song for the dance party or shouting that they want to “do myself!” with their toothbrush.
And when they don’t, you are following through with one more reminder and then turning it off yourself.
Your toddler knows you are serious and there are no back and forth shouting matches that heat everyone up. Just a calm leader to tiny, learning humans, keeping everyone moving through the day fairly, with more calm and less chaos.
Read this next:
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Toddler Fighting Nap & Bedtime? Here’s What To Do
appropriate toddler consequence #3
You hit your brother again, so we have to separate you or take a break.
Separating or taking a break (together) for a moment is the consequence. Calmly telling them what happened (they got mad and hit and now brother is hurt) and why they are taking a break (hitting is never ok, even if they are mad, they need to handle anger differently) is *key* for teaching and shaping future behavior.
Sibling interaction takes parenting to a whole new level. A whole new set of skills is needed hoooooweee! Not only are we guiding and teaching and responding to one, now we are witnessing two+ irrational humans with limited social skills, impulse control and emotional intelligence try and interact ALL DAY LONG.
Recognizing their behaviors and triggers, will help you craft a plan for how you can break up the day so that everyone is able to get through the day and get what they need.
How to use it:
Traditional, authoritarian parenting would tell you – man! this is so soft. You need to put an end to this right away and take away toys, put in timeout and yell….
Fooey! Based on more recent research and on accounts from anyone who works closely with 0-5 regularly, they will tell you that punishments, threats and timeouts don’t teach and change behavior while maintaining a solid parent-child bond. What they actually do is shame, confuse, scare and create disconnect and resentment in the parent-child relationship.
Instead, we respond to the root and quickly respond with something like: “Whoa! hitting is never ok, even when you are mad.” (identify what happened right before) “He grabbed your toy.” (name how that might make him feel, as feelings create actions) “That made you mad and you hit him.” And now, say this, “Next time you feel mad, you can say – I am mad! Don’t grab my toy. And if he still grabs it you can come ask me for help. I will talk to your brother about not grabbing your toys, too.”
This all seems wordy, but toddlers can understand far more than most parents give them credit for AND it is a great habit to get into – explaining and having them ‘try again’. In fact, it’s one of my favorite parenting lines “let’s try again.” Because, you are giving them that opportunity to practice something new. This is key in disciplining effectively. They are just learning ALL of this stuff. They need time and practice.
Whenever speaking with your toddler try and talk a little slower than normal and get low to their eye level. Remember, they take longer to process information than we do.
If the hitting happens again: “Ok, mommy has to separate you for a little bit. Hitting is never ok.” I take them to a different area to play and remind them before they play close together again, that they need to ‘say how you feel and what you need’ INSTEAD of hitting. Ie: “I am mad! Leave my toys alone!”
If the situation is more aggressive, heated or serious, I will have them take a break with me and say something like: “You were really mad and hit your brother hard. That is very dangerous. Hitting is not ok. We need to sit here until the anger is gone and we feel calmer. Next time, control your body and say “I am mad! Stop grabbing my toys!” instead, yes mom? And if you feel really mad, you can come ask me for help.”
I also find that separating the day with intentional ‘free, together play’ and ‘separate, alone play’ is very helpful for keeping everyone calmer and more balanced, rather than constantly emotionally charged.
And lastly, I encourage toddlers (2-3+) to ‘talk to each other’ when I hear a scuffle happening. For example, if I hear them screaming over a toy, I might remind: “Tell each other what you need instead of screaming. Talk to each other. Make a plan to figure it out.”
What it looks like when it works:
Hitting, pushing, throwing, screaming, shouting won’t end immediately. Shucks, I know! Like anything and everything in this phase of your toddler’s life, they will need time to process, practice, and build a new skill and habit.
The important thing to remember is – it does matter. How you respond and what you say and model, does compound over time and become their inner voice and compass.
Here at my preschool and daycare, I am at a point with my 2-4 year olds where I can hear a scuffle and say – “talk to one another” or “make a plan to figure this our instead of screaming” and they do! I don’t need to get close or referee. A lot of times, without me saying anything, my 3-4 year olds will say “wait, i have an idea! You do this” or “can you do this instead of grabbing my toys” – they are giving direction and catching themselves in the emotional upswing. It’s amazing to see.
I really make it a point to describe why and discipline, from 12 months on. Before that, it’s more narrating and saying things like “gentle hands”, but come 12 months, we take breaks, we separate, we describe more, so they hear the tone and see the actions, and are exposed to learning in that way.
Getting toddler books on all the topics you are trying to teach and practice is an easy and fun way (toddlers love story time!) to repeat concepts over and over for them to retain.
