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Is My Toddlers Behavior Normal?
7 Situations When Your Toddlers Behavior Might Shock You
Life with toddlers
Living with toddlers can make us feel as though we are almost always weathering a heavy storm.
There can be a lot of chaos because of their exaggerated actions and explosive reactions, all of which persist throughout the day in situations we would otherwise think trivial or insignificant.
The cherry on top of this barrage of emotional exertion is that they essentially speak a completely different language from us because of their growing brain, limited ability to operate independently, lack of reason and near-non-existent impulse control and inability to understand and retain information like we adults do. And as adults, that is who we are used to dealing with and talking to – adults (unless otherwise trained in the early childhood field).
So life with toddlers can feel exhausting, frustrating and at times completely overwhelming. And interacting with our tiny little humans can be SO HARD because it’s truly as if we have to ‘learn to speak their language’, while they’re learning ours.
As a parent, we go through this extraordinary evolution, within ourselves and externally, by witnessing and experiencing our growing child. I believe this is why parenthood is revered as one of the most life-changing things one can go through.
With our toddlers’ behaviors, stage to stage, it can all feel so new, require us to adapt and learn, and sometimes it can straight up shock us. Here are 7 situations when your toddler’s behavior might shock you…
Is my toddlers behavior normal?
1. Eating more variety at daycare
So, this is one that baffles and shocks parents, even after years of a child being in care. Toddlers might eat this, that or ALL the things at daycare, while only eating fruit, plain pasta and chicken nuggets with mom and dad.
Often times, parents want all the details about how in the world they got them to eat that?! They want to be a fly on the wall so they can see exactly how their caregiver got their child to eat ‘that!’
The thing with this particular toddler behavior is, many childcare professionals have been working with toddlers for quite some time, thus they have seen a lot of the same behavior toward food, and have developed effective strategies that work to overcome things like food refusal and picky eating.
In contrast, many parents are seeing and experiencing toddler behavior for the very first time, so they are approaching the situation with less experience and likely, no plan, sometimes simply just trying to survive the day and survive the stage.
Parents might be taken aback the first time their toddler just breaks down in tears (possibly progressing into a meltdown) upon them walking through the door after work.
What’s wrong babe? Aren’t you happy to see me? Are you sad? Did you have a rough day?
Undoubtedly, if this toddler behavior becomes a regular occurrence, it can be SO exhausting to handle.
Is my toddlers behavior normal? Yes!
The thing with this particular behavior is, most toddlers cry when they can’t find the words to express how they are feeling. There is crying for when they’re physically hurt with a ‘boo boo’ and then there is crying when they don’t know how to put their feelings into words, otherwise.
In an informative article on NewsHub NZ, Child psychologist Dr Emma Woodward says this reaction is completely normal.
“There are two main reasons why a child would cry when they see their parent at the end of a playdate, kindy (daycare), or school-day, Dr Woodward says.
The first is that children don’t yet have the logical ability to navigate through a transition, and any transition can make them feel overwhelmed. And when children don’t have the words to express this feeling of being overwhelmed, they cry, Dr Woodward says.
The second reason is that the child feels an emotional reconnection with the person they trust most in the world, they feel safe to let down their guard when they are reconnected with this person, and they cry – often feeling relieved and overwhelmed.”
I love Dr. Woodard’s suggestions on what to try if your toddler behaves this way:
“A good technique is to wonder aloud with them. Saying something like ‘I wonder if you’ve been looking forward to seeing me all day, and now you’re really happy to see me?’ or ‘I wonder if you’ve had a frustrating day.'”
She says giving an emotion a name – such as frustration – can help contain that emotion.
The good news is, as children reach the age of around eight, they can better rationalise [sic] their emotions. They have better emotional regulation skills and reasoning skills, Dr Woodward says.
“Younger children are more reactive, and don’t yet have the capacity to shift emotions. This changes as they develop better cognitive skills as they get older.”
In my experience, once you establish a routine that helps comfort and calm them (and calm you!) after getting home from a long work day, you all will have a more peaceful evening and night together, as a family.
When dealing with a crying toddler after you get home, here are some things that have worked for my husband and many of the parents I’ve worked with are:
- Mentally preparing for your toddler’s emotional overwhelm before walking through the door
- Testing out different things until you find one that best settles your toddler and keeps you calm too
- Getting down to their level + giving them your undivided attention + giving them a hug + telling your toddler something about your day. For example, a mom might kneel down with her hands out for a hug and say, “Hi my happy girl! I missed you so much today. Guess what mom saw on the drive home today – a big blue garbage truck!”
- Getting down to their level + giving them your undivided attention + giving them a hug + telling them something to look forward to next. For example, a mom might kneel down with her hands out for a hug and say, “Hi my baby! Look at that big smile! I’m so happy to see you! Hey, I have goodie for you in the car. Let’s go see what it is!”
- Remembering that this is a phase that will pass as their brain develops more
- Not taking it personally
- Giving them heads up about what is going to happen next (helping them transition) and inviting them to be a part of it or give ideas of what else they can do. For example, if you come home and sit with them on the ground to play with blocks for a few minutes (undivided attention), to give them a heads up you can say – “Ok honey, 2 more minutes and then daddy is going to go grab some food. You want to come eat with me or stay with your blocks?”
- Staying loving, patient and helpful toward them during this behavior, so that the moment passes quicker rather than turns into a meltdown or night full of whining
3. Interacting with a new sibling
Many parents get nervous about welcoming a second baby for a variety of reasons. One of the top reasons is, they worry how their first baby will feel about the new one, and behave toward it.
What new behaviors will they see, experience and have to manage?
Splitting time, attention, toys, and love with more than just one baby is a whole new balancing act for parents, that often requires a whole new approach and routine that strays from the one they feel they know and have become confident in.
Such is parenting! Like so many other things in parenthood, just when we feel we’ve mastered how to handle something – bam! There’s a new phase, a new milestone, a new change that takes us back to the drawing board.
With a new sibling, toddlers may react in different ways. And, how we prep them for this upcoming change can make all the difference in behaviors, too.
Some things parents might be shocked by with their toddler’s behavior after welcoming another baby are:
- Disrupted sleep
- Crying and whining more than before
- Acting more helpless with things like self feeding and dressing themselves
- Being rough toward baby by hitting, pushing or throwing toys
To prepare you for what your toddler may be thinking and feeling when welcoming a new sibling and to learn about how to foster healthy sibling interactions and relationships as they grow so there isn’t resentment, jealousy and excessive roughness, I highly recommend this #1 best selling book by Adele Faber: Siblings Without Rivalry.
It’s such an excellent read for parents who want more peaceful interactions between them and their children AND their children with one another. It’s incredible how much of how siblings act with one another stems from their first days and those first behaviors they have toward each other.
I haven’t welcomed a second baby, because I only have twins right now, but here are some things that other families I’ve worked over the years have done that have helped their toddler more peacefully and happily transition from being an only child to an older sibling:
- Read books that help describe the changes and what it will mean for them when baby arrives. Here are a few that I’ve liked over the years: The Baby Is Here!, Big Brother Daniel, You’re the biggest.
- Casually mentioning during bath time, meal times or story time, the changes that will happen – focusing on their new role, mom and dads new role and how their toddler might feel. For example, you might say something like, “when your new sister comes home, mommy will be helping her a lot and trying to rest a lot too. We’ll still get to play too! I love you both so much! And you can be mommy’s number 1 helper, using your step stool to reach things and choosing all the toys for the baby!”
- Role play with a doll, diapers, blankets and bottles. With a doll, you can show your toddler how to touch and help with the new baby and they can practice the skills in real life. This is great hands-on practice that they can learn from in preparation for their new role as the older sibling.
- Reminding them of their place, their worth and the love they have. “You’re our first! Our original baby! You always make us laugh and we love your bear hugs! We are so happy you are a part of our family and we love every little piece of you to the moon and back!
- Validating and naming feelings toddler is having + comforting and reassuring them about the love you have for them and the role they have in the family, will help calm them and keep them from acting out toward the new baby. For example, if you are feeding baby and your toddler keeps coming over and hitting the bottle, you could say something like – “gentle hands with the baby’s bottle. Do you want mommy to cuddle you when I’m done feeding sister? It’s hard sometimes to share mom, huh? Ok, let’s cuddle in a couple minutes. Go grab the blanket and pillows we will use!”
After you’re done feeding the baby, you can spend a few minutes one-on-one with just your toddler. By doing this, you will fulfill their need for attention from you and keep them from trying to get your attention by being rough with the baby.
Despite the various challenges you will face welcoming a second baby, if you spend some time preparing yourself and your toddler for the changes, emotionally and mentally, you will have more balance and joy, and less confusion and chaos.
4. In a group play setting with shared toys
So, you may have this sweet little princess that is so kind with her dolls and gently plays all day at home. Then, one day, you take her to story time at the library and she screams and pushes another child who comes near her, seemingly out of nowhere.
This can be shocking and embarrassing and leave parents feeling bad about their parenting, when in fact, it can be quite common for toddlers who otherwise typically play alone and who don’t have to share any toys, to react this way.
Is my toddlers behavior normal? Yes!
And it’s not terrible. And there’s no need to heavily reprimand them or feel like you cannot go to certain events because of this behavior. It’s simply a common toddler response that we can help them learn to manage differently.
With time, and teaching, your toddler will learn appropriate social skills needed to be comfortable and calmer in a group setting.
The toddler in this example probably felt really worried that the other child was going to take her toy, so she reacted out of impulse – to scream and push.
If your toddler has a hard time playing nicely in a group setting, here are some things that can help them do so more often:
- Know that toddlers are still learning how to play nicely and expect impulsive behavior like, screaming, crying, pushing, hitting
- Stay close by when they are playing so you can recognize rough or inappropriate behavior and help diffuse as needed
- Show them what they can do instead of simply saying ‘no’ or ‘don’t hit’. For example, if your toddler hits often, you can use a mantra like – hands are for clapping! Hands are for hugs!’ Then reposition them somewhere they can’t hit. For older toddlers, you can talk about how hitting is dangerous and not ok, other ways they can express themselves when they’re upset and what the consequences will be if they do hit. I use a peace corner here and the toddlers find it very helpful for decompressing. I also let them redirect their energy – if they want to hit, they can hit a pillow or a bean bag…
- Name their feelings and help them take a break when you recognize that they are overwhelmed or frustrated or angry. For example, if you see your toddler fussing with another child over a toy and you hear them start to shout, you can say something like, “Oh Jackson, you’re getting upset that he’s grabbing the train tracks too, huh? Let’s take some pieces over here and separate for a few minutes until you feel better.” Then, you can reposition your toddler so they are away from the situation that was triggering them. If you are able to talk to the other child, you can remind them how taking things from someone else’s hands is not ok.
- Apologize for them. This is great in settings where you are amongst stranger’s children, say at the park for example. By apologizing for them, you are modeling what you want them to do and you are reconciling the situation with the other child and their parent, which will make you feel more calm and less embarrassed. For example, if your toddler pushes another toddler on the playground and the other toddler starts crying, you can say – “I’m so sorry, are you okay? That wasn’t nice. He’s still learning to not push, I’ll talk to him. I’m sorry. We’ll play separately for a bit.”
5. At parties or holiday gatherings
Many parents are shocked when their toddler breaks down in a tantrum after opening a gift they thought they’d love or acts more aggressively toward their cousins during play time.
Is my toddlers behavior normal? Yes!
While holidays are usually a warm, joyous and special time, they are likely busy and stressful too. Many families attend added gatherings and events, have friends and family over, plus if a toddler is in daycare, there are usually more events going on there too.
During the holiday season, it’s easy to fall into overscheduling, which throws a wrench into your toddler’s typical routine, resulting in various behavior changes. Additionally, the stress you’re feeling and exuding (about meeting that deadline, getting everything ready around the house for guests, dealing with in-law drama, getting all the shopping done, etc) will make an impression on your toddler and affect their behavior as well.
Just as you feel overwhelmed around the holidays, your toddler can too. They are little humans who feel, experience and react to settings just like we do, and it can sometimes be hard to remember that when their behavior shocks or embarrasses us.
If you’re ever shocked by your toddlers behavior during the holidays, here are some things that can help you feel more prepared to weather the storm:
- Talk to them about all the things you are planning on doing that are outside of their normal routine. For example, if an uncle or some cousins are coming to visit, you could say to your toddler – “Uncle Justin is coming in a few days. We haven’t seen him in a long time! We have to show him all your new toys and your favorite show!” This will help prepare your toddler for what’s going to happen so they know what to expect. Often times, they will repeat what you say, get excited about the event, and feel more comfortable when it’s happening.
- Adjust your expectations of how they ‘should’ act
- Try not to overschedule
- Validate feelings and comfort them to calm them when they’re having a hard time
- Make it a point to have everyone take some quiet time/chill time
- Try and keep your stress and overwhelm to a minimum. Modeling behavior is one of the most powerful ways to influence a toddler’s behavior.
- ‘Call friends and family in’ to help you. For example, if you notice that your toddler has been crying more often than normal during holiday gatherings, you could say to your family – “Hey, Landon has been having a hard time with us doing all these get togethers. Can we maybe bring a few toys and a blanket from home and keep them in your guest room in case he needs some chill time?” Doing this prepares a space for the behavior and lets your family know what to expect, plus also pulls them in to help you help your toddler.
- Model healthy ways to manage stress
- Recognize if diet is affecting them. Added sugary goodies during the holidays can cause changes in behavior. You may want to scale back and switch things up if you notice this.
Parents around the world agree that potty training is one of the most stressful milestones in early childhood. Many have a difficult time knowing when to start. And often times, toddlers behave in ways that shock their parents – some just run off and start using the potty on their own, while others act fearful of the potty or tantrum any time their parents mention sitting on the potty.
Some of the typical scenarios parents find themselves in when potty training are – wondering when to start, how to go about it, and how to effectively handle inevitable challenges like pushback, big feelings, frequent accidents and poop withholding.
Because potty training requires constant action (transitions) from our toddlers, unlike passively peeing and pooping in their diaper, they will inevitably have feelings about the process. And thus, their behavior will change. And those changes can feel intense.
The great news though, is depending on how you prepare your toddler, your space, your mindset and what method you use, your potty training experience can either be more chaotic or more calm.
- Withholding pee or poop
- Acting fearful
- Tantruming, crying or fussing when it’s time to sit
- Sitting and nothing comes out
- Frequent accidents, even after just sitting on the potty
To have the least chaotic potty training experience, we must choose the optimal time to start that is unique to our toddler, exercise dded patience (we often feel we don’t have), extra comforting and cuddling, almost all of our attention for the first 3 days, extra cleaning of messes and creative problem solving when challenging behaviors arise.
Because potty training can bring out more frequent and intense behaviors from our toddlers, parents can feel like they are weathering constant chaos, and even that what they’re doing is not working.
So, when you are deep in potty training, pulling at your hair wondering – is my toddlers behavior normal with potty training? Most likely, yes! And there are ways to best prepare for this milestone so you don’t feel completely overwhelmed and helpless.
Here are some helpful articles that will help you prepare for this milestone:
- Everything You Will Need For Less Stressful Potty Training – Supplies, Mindset & Self Care Checklist
Starting solids is an exciting and nerve-racking milestone for parents. And we never really know what type of eater our baby will be until we start introducing them to solids. (and, the eater the start out as is not the type of eater they will always be!)
Some common behaviors when starting solids, that shock parents are:
- Gagging. They’ve only had milk go down their tiny throats so this is expected. Yet, it can be scary and shocking to see firsthand, with your own precious little baby. Nonetheless, it can be part of a baby’s ‘learning solids’, especially if they are doing baby led weaning because they are exposed to many flavors and textures. And, because of their gag reflex at this age, they will be able to push the food out of their mouth. Knowing the difference between choking and gagging, and know what to do if your baby is choking, is very helpful for calming nerves and handling baby when they first start solids. Consider taking an infant CPR class with American Red Cross or look up the most recent standards for infant CPR online to prepare yourself. Modeling coughing is the most encouraged way of helping your child if they are gagging.
- Licking and chewing at, but not eating much, can be very common. Some parents may think their baby doesn’t like a certain food, when in fact, they may just be getting used to the flavor or texture or the act of chewing and swallowing. This can be expected for the first couple to first few weeks. Breastmilk and formula is still their main source of fulfillment and nutrition so do not stress about the amount they intake, unless your pediatrician tells you otherwise. Right now, they are just exploring and getting used to this new way of eating, the new textures and robust flavors of all these new foods.
- Allergic reactions. Consult your pediatrician with each reaction to ensure safety. And then choose if you want to reintroduce the food later. Baby’s digestive system is still immature so reactions may change as they age, say at 12 months or beyond.
- When they show preferences. It can be funny for us parents to see out babies loving certain foods, especially if we don’t like them. Some babies enjoy beets and salmon but deem less interested in strawberries and cheese – surprising! It is good to know that just like us adults, babies and toddlers will have preferences and dislikes and that is okay! Don’t stress, keep offering variety, and modeling eating and enjoy mealtimes together with your little human who is discovering the joy of food.
- Mess. One of the biggest disadvantages you will hear people talk about with baby-led weaning, specifically, is the mess. Yes, it is messy but all of the benefits for you and your child hugely outweigh the burden of a few more minutes of clean up. See the list of supplies farther down in this post to get the tools that will help keep the mess more manageable. And remember, if you teach them basic table manners along the way, you won’t have food flying everywhere. You will more likely will be dealing with extra drips, smears and minor stains on expose clothing.
Remember that from 6 months to 12 months, babies’ nutritional needs are being met by their milk source. So, unless your pediatrician advises otherwise, there is no need to stress or force feed any certain amount or types of foods. Simply let them be free and familiarize with solids in their own way, and they will grow into a confident, independent, happy little eater in no time!
Here at Low Stress Motherhood, we are HUGE advocates for starting solids with baby led weaning because of it offers a more free, natural experience for baby and allows mom to have far less responsibility and stress at the dinner table each day. Not to mention, the babies we’ve seen start with this method are FAR LESS picky than their pureed food, parent-fed counterpart. And, research thus far echoes this too.
YES to happier meal times for all!
If you are preparing to start solids with your baby, here are some helpful articles on getting started with baby led weaning:
when toddler behavior might be more serious
For new and first time parents, it can undoubtedly be hard to know what ‘normal’ feels like when handling toddler behaviors. Here are some that might in fact, be red flags that you may want to discuss with your pediatrician:
- Regularly experiencing multiple tantrums each day, particularly finding it hard to return to a baseline calm.
- Picky eating habits that cause significant stress on the family, where their intake is limited to only certain textures (like crackers or pouch food), where they only eat the same foods (usually under 20 foods).
- A toddler who regularly gags when eating.
- Continued hitting or biting as a coping mechanism. Many toddlers will resort to hitting or biting when they don’t yet know how to express themselves in a safe and appropriate way. If these behaviors continue, including self harm, they are considered violent and dangerous and would be recommended to discuss further with a doctor.
- Continued mispronunciation of words.
- Night time sleep battles due to fear or anxiety.
These behaviors are considered to be outside of the typical toddler repertoire, and this article by Healthline does a great job at breaking down the warning sign and why it’s important to check in on these behaviors with a professional.
