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How Does Gentle Parenting Handle Tantrums?
When using gentle parenting for tantrums, a parent will focus on understanding and addressing the underlying reason behind the tantrum (what situation, action, or trigger causes the tantrum) and respond with empathy, compassion, and helpful guidance.
A gentle parent prioritizes gaining their own composure before approaching their child. This way, they can respond with a level-held and say something constructive.
In gentle parenting, all feelings are natural and okay, but not all behaviors are acceptable.
Another key thing about gentle parenting is that it recognizes the fact that children who throw tantrums with their parents or caregivers feel disconnected from them.
This is why parents who use gentle parenting do not tell their children to stop crying or leave them to cry alone during a tantrum.
They know connection is the key to changing this behavior.
A gentle parent will focus on gaining their composure first, then connecting with their child, narrating what might be upsetting them, listening to their child’s point of view, addressing the child’s feelings directly, validating those feelings, redirecting and practicing emotional skills together – yet, hold firm if a boundary or rule was set.
How this would look in action might be something like this – A mom takes 3 big deep breaths when her child starts screaming about her saying no to buying a toy.
Then, she squats down to her child’s eye level and calmly says, “I hear you. You really wanted that toy. I know how it feels when you really want something and someone says no. It’s okay to be upset. It’s not okay to scream at me. Let’s take a picture of it and think about it for next time we are shopping.”
The mom takes a picture and says goodbye to the toy and walks out the of the store.
Later, in the car when everyone is calm, she tells her child they will start practicing 3 deep breaths together when they are feeling really upset because it will help them handle their emotions.
Here are 7 examples of how a parent would use gentle parenting for tantrums:
- Validate the child’s feelings: When a child has a tantrum, it’s important to validate their feelings and let them know that it’s okay and natural to feel upset. You could say something like, “I can see that you’re feeling really angry right now. It’s natural and okay to feel that way / Mommy gets upset sometimes, too.”
- Offer comfort and support: Tantrums can be overwhelming for children too, so offering comfort and support can help them feel safe, secure, and calm down quicker. Once they are calm you can talk to them about the root cause and alternative behaviors. To comfort your child during a tantrum, a gentle parent might hold them, rub their back, or look them in the eye and take deep breaths while holding their hands.
- Use positive and descriptive language: Instead of saying “stop crying,” a gentle parenting approach would be to use positive language that encourages the child to calm down. For example, you could say, “Let’s take 2 big deep breaths together and help our bodies calm down. Our emotions sometimes get big, breathing helps them get smaller.”
- Identify the root cause: Tantrums often happen because a child is feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, or unable to communicate their needs effectively. By identifying the root cause of the tantrum, you can help address and discuss the underlying issue, and prevent future tantrums by making tweaks to your approach. Observe your child and take notes. You might notice that when you choose their clothes in the morning, they always have a tantrum. Try a new approach, maybe telling them to choose or laying out 3 options and telling them to point to which they want to wear.
- Set and enforce boundaries with empathy: While it’s important to validate a child’s feelings, it’s also important to set and stick to boundaries with empathy. For example, a gentle parent would say something like, “I know you’re upset he took your car, but hitting is never okay. Let’s find a different way to express your feeling. You can say, “I’m mad!” and come ask mommy for help to get your car back.” This approach respects the child’s feelings while also teaching them appropriate behavior. To enforce boundaries, they would give 2-3 reminders of what to do and what the consequence will be. Ie: “hands down when you’re upset, say you’re mad and ask mommy for help or we have to move away from this play area. Hands down. (x2) Ok, let’s go take a break over here.” Sometimes to enforce a boundary, we must physically remove our child then, support, help them calm, offer guidance…
- Practice appropriate behavior, together: Practice makes progress. When using gentle parenting for tantrums, it’s important to accept that you will most likely not be saying something once and then seeing immediate behavioral changes in your child. Instead, tell your child that you will be practicing together, and give them time to build a new habit. For example, you might say, “You usually hit when you are angry. It’s okay to be angry, it’s never okay to hit people. Let’s try hitting the couch or saying, “I’m mad!” when you’re angry. Next time you feel anger coming, we will practice. I will help you.”
- Reinforce positive behavior daily: If your child takes some deep breaths with you – praise them! “You are doing it! Great job honey! This is how you help your body calm down.” If your child asks you for help when someone takes a toy from them instead of hitting – praise them! “Great job asking mommy for help instead of hitting! You are doing so great handling your emotions in a safe way! Keep it up honey!” Build their self-esteem and keep them motivated! When your child feels good, they will do more good. Like a growing plant, shower them with sunlight and water so they can flourish!
- You cannot hold the belief that your child should listen to everything you say, and use gentle parenting. Because, if you believe this to be true, you will get very upset when your child does not listen to you, and you may choose to discipline them in a harsh, corporal punishment way.
- You cannot say, “because I said so”, and use gentle parenting. Because, this does not respect and explain things to the child.
- You cannot focus on your feelings of embarrassment when you are out in public and your child pushes another child or says ‘no!’ to you. Because if you do, you’ll probably yell at your child or use some type of corporal punishment. With gentle parenting, we are called to show empathy to our child, be respectful, keep our emotions under control, while also setting fair boundaries.
- You cannot expect your child to be who you want them to be. You must accept that you child is their won person, completely separate from you, with their own thoughts, desires, emotional experiences…
How Do You Discipline As A Gentle Parent?
Discipline is an essential aspect of parenting, but it can often be challenging to navigate while practicing gentle parenting.
Gentle parenting focuses on the emotional and psychological needs of the child while also promoting positive behavior.
Here are 4 things gentle parents do when discipling their child:
- They take a moment to find their calm before disciplining their child OR they stop themselves and restart, if they catch themselves yelling or saying hurtful things. This minimizes mom guilt and makes for a more effective teaching moment. You’re not in control if your emotions are out of control. Get calm and in control first, then handle the situation at hand with a level head. Modeling this will teach your child how to do it as well.
- They emphasize detailed communication between the parent and child. Gentle parents explain to their child why certain behaviors are unacceptable and help them understand the consequences of their actions. This approach helps the child develop empathy and self-awareness, leading to better decision-making in the future.
- They use positive reinforcement often: Instead of punishing negative behavior, gentle parenting encourages positive reinforcement for good behavior. Praising the child for their efforts and achievements can boost their self-esteem and motivate them to continue behaving positively.
- They use and enforce natural consequences: When a child makes a mistake, gentle parents opt for natural consequences instead of punishment. For example, if a child breaks a toy, they will help clean up the mess and may need to work to earn money to replace it. This approach teaches the child responsibility and accountability while also promoting positive behavior.
Overall, discipline in gentle parenting aims to promote positive behavior and emotional growth in the child while maintaining a connected, respectful and empathetic relationship between parent and child.
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At What Age Should A Child Stop Throwing Tantrums?
Tantrums are a common behavior among children, particularly those between the ages of 1 and 4.
They can be mild or worse, depending on many factors including temperament, child-caregiver dynamic, and social-emotional skills.
Children with a more challenging temperament often have more tantrums.
Children who constantly feel disconnected from their caregivers often have more tantrums. (Not being listened to, not having a choice in things, and constantly being told no can all cause disconnection.)
While there is no specific age at which tantrums should stop altogether, at age 8-9 a child’s frontal cortex starts to ‘turn on’.
This is the thinking and logic part of the brain.
So, by this age, children typically exhibit more emotional regulation skills and are better able to express their feelings in more socially acceptable ways.
Remember, that each child is unique and may develop skills at different times.
A child’s setting, how they’ve been nurtured by their caregivers and peers, and things like temperament all play a role in each child’s development timeline.
Gentle parent or not, it is extremely important for parents and caregivers to respond to tantrums in a calm and consistent manner, as often as possible, using positive reinforcement to encourage appropriate behavior, because this is a natural part of growing up and every child deserves to be treated with support, kindness, and empathy.
Doing so will also help the child build the necessary emotional skills they need to have a calmer, more peaceful life in the long-term.
Remember, what you say to a child now, both positive and negative, can become what they say to themselves, later. (ie: If you say – ‘what is wrong with you?!’ They may grow up thinking – ‘what is wrong with me?!’ If you say – ‘it’s so hard for me to love you when you are always acting up!’ They may grow up thinking – ‘I am hard to love / I can’t show too much emotion.’ If you say to them – ‘you can do amazing things when you look for solutions to your problems.’ They may grow up thinking – ‘what are some solutions to my problem?’ If you tell them – ‘I love spending time with you, you are a joy to be around!’ They may grow up thinking – ‘I am confident and secure in myself!’)
If you have concerns about your child’s behavior, it’s always a good idea to consult with a qualified healthcare professional.
How Do You Gentle Parent A Disrespectful Child?
When it comes to handling a disrespectful child, gentle parenting focuses on addressing the situation at hand, or the underlying cause of the behavior if you know it, and finding ways to communicate with your child in a connected and constructive manner to find a solution.
A gentle parent will think about the relationship they have with their child; their dynamic, and try to understand where there is disconnect.
From there, they’ll approach problems and conversations with their child in different ways that might be more effective, and build more connection and closeness.
The more connected a parent is to their child, the more cooperation they gain.
Here are three examples of how a gently parent might handle a disrespectful child based on research:
- Connection before correction: Gentle parenting acknowledges that children misbehave when they feel disconnected from their parents. Instead of punishing the child for disrespect, gentle parenting emphasizes the importance of building a strong relationship with the child. This can involve spending quality time together, listening to the child’s concerns, asking about their interests and fears, and validating their feelings.
- Positive reinforcement: Gentle parenting emphasizes the use of positive reinforcement to encourage good behavior. Rather than punishing a child for being disrespectful, parents can praise and reinforce respectful behavior. For example, if a child uses a polite tone of voice when speaking to their parent, the parent can acknowledge and praise the child for their respectful behavior.
- Setting Limits with Empathy: Gentle parenting also recognizes the importance of setting boundaries and limits with children. However, instead of using punishment or authoritarian tactics, gentle parenting emphasizes the use of empathy and understanding. For example, if a child is being disrespectful by speaking rudely to their parent, the parent can calmly validate how the child is feeling, then explain how the child’s behavior is affecting them, and set a clear boundary that the behavior is not acceptable. The parent can also offer support and guidance to help the child deal with their feelings in other ways so they are able to communicate in a more respectful way.
In summary, gentle parenting approaches disrespectful behavior in a way that prioritizes building and rebuilding a strong connection with the child, using 1:1 time, listening to the child, validating their feelings, using positive reinforcement to encourage good behavior, and setting limits with empathy and understanding.
By addressing the underlying causes of disrespectful behavior, a gentle parent is be able to transcend the chaos and maintain respectful communication, closeness, and a mutual understanding with their child, no matter what situation they are in.
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How To Gentle Parent An Angry Child?
- Validate the child’s feelings: A gentle parent would acknowledge the child’s emotions as natural, and let them know that it’s okay to feel angry/everyone feels anger. They might say something like, “I can see that you’re really upset right now. It’s okay to feel angry. Let’s take 3 big deep breaths so we can talk about it calmly.”
- Use active listening: A gentle parent would listen to the child’s perspective without judgement or interruption. They might say something like, “Think about it and tell me more about why you’re feeling angry. I want to understand what’s going on for you.”
- Collaborate on solutions: A gentle parent would work with the child to find a solution together, rather than imposing their own ideas. They might say something like, “Let’s think of some ways we can handle this situation together. What do you think would help you feel better? What do you think will make it easier for you?” By involving the child in the problem-solving process, a gentle parent helps to build their sense of autonomy and confidence.
Final Thoughts On Gentle Parenting For Tantrums
