How To Get A Toddler To Listen Without Yelling

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How To Get A Toddler To Listen Without Yelling

When resistance is a constant issue

Expect it sometimes, use co-regulation, give them a minute, ask what will help them.

They aren’t always going to happily frolic to do what you are asking them to do. That’s absolutely expected. We can still gracefully get through the moment instead of matching their chaos.

We talked about this earlier, they aren’t robots, they have their own desires and wants and are often engrossed in something they love when we ask them to do something else.

So, exercise that patience and understanding if they resist, rather than fight it. Your rational brain knows – this is normal to resist sometimes, I know it’s hard to leave something that you love, I know how that feels.

Having that understanding and compassion will help you stay calm and be fair, rather than feel annoyed and inconvenienced.

Some things I like to do when they resist is:

Give them another minute: “Ok, one more minute and then we have to go. Alright love, you start walking to the car or I will pick you up.” This additional minute can help them sort out their upset and move on.

Co-regulate: Use your calm like a super power to help bring them calm. Scoop them up and hug them: “I know you love the park babe. It’s hard to leave things we really love. What can we do at home that we love next? Ooooh water play?! Yogurt pop!?”

Ask them what will help them do what you’re asking: “I know you have big feelings about brushing your teeth. What will make you feel better when we brush? Holding mommy’s shirt? Holding your lovey or mommy’s toothbrush?”

Always remember, that helping your toddler learn to calm and listen and follow directions IS a normal part of the mom job.

It IS something we must help our toddlers do. It’s not an inconvenience or an annoyance but a normal thing we must do.

Nothing is wrong with them, they are learning about everything – ABCs, emotions, rules, colors, shapes – none of this comes built in!

What does come built in are emotions – so what can we do with them?? We can be impulsive, explosive and reactive or we can choose to process and respond instead AND help our toddlers do the same!

Conclusion

It is completely normal for your toddler to not listen to you, right away every time. They are not robots.

All parents must communicate, collaborate and compromise if they want the best responses from their children.

When we do these things, we will find that our toddlers are more cooperative and our bond is stronger than ever.

Our homes are no longer battlegrounds, but instead, more like our best friend’s house, more comfortable and enjoyable.

How to get a toddler to listen without yelling starts with us actively choosing not to yell, recognizing that burning feeling in our chest right before we yell, naming our feeling, calming our impulses and responding in a constructive way so we can model and teach how to manage our big emotions, how to be fair and respectful and so we can be the parents we want to be, with less mom guilt and uncontrollable anger that lingers.

I believe in you.

Believe in yourself.

Put these new habit into practice and see what happens Xx Poppy

Potty training soon?

Watch my FREE Potty Training Masterclass and learn the optimal time to start potty training PLUS how to prepare your toddler, your mindset & your space!

Everything you need to know to start potty training with more ease, confidence and calm.

How To Get A Toddler To Listen Without Yelling

How to get a toddler to listen without yelling Step #4

Talk to them about listening often, when it’s a calm, connected moment. Ask them to cooperate.

Describe to them why listening is important! Maybe after story time or in the car or at bed time, when you are cuddling and calm and chill. During these times, your toddler is most open to your teachings.

Toddlers crave knowledge and understanding of the world around them – “why, why, why”. They don’t ask to be annoying, they ask to understand, because they don’t know yet.

When talking about listening, tell them the natural consequences rather than using your feelings. For example:

“It’s important that you listen very very good to mommy when we are by the road because cars are big and fast and cannot see you. They are dangerous!” vs “It hurts mommy’s feelings when you don’t listen to me.”

The lesson with the first one is – cars are fast and dangerous and mommy is keeping me say, so it’s important I listen to her.

The lesson with the second is – I have no idea why mommy is saying stay away from the cool black road and cars and I hurt mommy’s feelings.

The first lesson teaches them about the world, how to stay safe and why mommy is saying what she is saying.

The second lesson is unclear, confusing and makes the toddler feel responsible for others’ feelings.

Remember, your toddler is not listening to you for a variety of reasons – their own natural inner desires, wants and needs, they didn’t hear you, they don’t understand the importance – all valid reasons.

As your toddler gets older, 3-4yrs+, you can start talking to them about how you two are a team and what you would like to see from them sometimes.

For example: “Hey babe, sometimes we are running late for school and work. I try not to let that happen, but when it does can you please help mommy and go fast? It’s hard for me when I am the only one going fast and we are a team. If we all work faster to get into the car, we won’t be late and we will feel better.”

We can get them on our team, working together, rather than working against one another.

I’ve recently started asking my 3 year old twins if they can ‘be flexible’ with me and with one another. If one wants a certain car seat and is really worked up about it, I ask the other if they can be flexible and let sister have that seat this time. If I have had a long day and am extra tired, but mentioned that we would go for a walk around the neighborhood, I might ask my girls if they can be flexible and do a walk in the morning instead.

I think it is a healthy and fair way to ask for what we need, be aware and considerate of others, and show them how to ask for what they want/need too.

Need some relief from stressful mom life?

Simple weekly self-care can help you stay calmer and more balanced.

Check out my Stress Relief Coloring Book For Anxious Moms and let your mind rest with my beautiful, calming designs.

When resistance is a constant issue

Expect it sometimes, use co-regulation, give them a minute, ask what will help them.

They aren’t always going to happily frolic to do what you are asking them to do. That’s absolutely expected. We can still gracefully get through the moment instead of matching their chaos.

We talked about this earlier, they aren’t robots, they have their own desires and wants and are often engrossed in something they love when we ask them to do something else.

Having that understanding and compassion will help you stay calm and be fair, rather than feel annoyed and inconvenienced.

Some things I like to do when they resist is:

Give them another minute: “Ok, one more minute and then we have to go. Alright love, you start walking to the car or I will pick you up.” This additional minute can help them sort out their upset and move on.

Co-regulate: Use your calm like a super power to help bring them calm. Scoop them up and hug them: “I know you love the park babe. It’s hard to leave things we really love. What can we do at home that we love next? Ooooh water play?! Yogurt pop!?”

Ask them what will help them do what you’re asking: “I know you have big feelings about brushing your teeth. What will make you feel better when we brush? Holding mommy’s shirt? Holding your lovey or mommy’s toothbrush?”

Conclusion

It is completely normal for your toddler to not listen to you, right away every time. They are not robots.

All parents must communicate, collaborate and compromise if they want the best responses from their children.

When we do these things, we will find that our toddlers are more cooperative and our bond is stronger than ever.

Our homes are no longer battlegrounds, but instead, more like our best friend’s house, more comfortable and enjoyable.

I believe in you.

Believe in yourself.

Put these new habit into practice and see what happens Xx Poppy

Potty training soon?

Watch my FREE Potty Training Masterclass and learn the optimal time to start potty training PLUS how to prepare your toddler, your mindset & your space!

Everything you need to know to start potty training with more ease, confidence and calm.

How To Get A Toddler To Listen Without Yelling

How to get a toddler to listen without yelling

You’re here because you want to stop yelling but you don’t see any other way.

You’re not alone.

Toddlers can be such a mystery and I am here to help de-mystify.

As the owner of a Montessori-inspired playschool and the mom to twin preschoolers, I have had years – almost a decade – in the 0-5 year old age range, so naturally I have learned a ton.

Which means I have a ton I can share with *you* to help make your home less of a battlefield and more of a peaceful place.

I know what works and what to avoid, and soon you will too!

I am going to show you how to get a toddler to listen without yelling, in a few simple and intentional steps.

Will you never yell again?

Pfftt no.

Will you yell a lot less? For sure.

Why don’t toddlers listen?

Your toddler is not listening to you for a variety of reasons:

They’re their own person with a their own natural inner desires, wants and needs

They didn’t hear you

They’re engrossed in and loving what they are doing and finding it hard to leave

They don’t like doing the thing you are asking

They’re scared

They’re upset/emotional and aren’t yet in control of their impulses/reactions yet

They don’t understand the importance

All are valid reasons. And when we know the reasons, we can handle their resistance with more calm and ease.

Why do moms yell at their kids?

Yelling often peaks when we are:

Busy/rushed

Tired

Irritated or frustrated about the situation or something that happened earlier

Embarrassed

Overwhelmed

Depressed
It’s a habit – maybe we were yelled at or were raised without much emotional support so we don’t know how to manage our big feelings

… And guess what? These feelings will bubble up in us again and again.

Yelling less is all about self-awareness, developmental awareness, and response management.

See, our feelings drive our behavior, so we must become aware of our feelings to change our behaviors…

What yelling does to a child

Yelling has been show to have long-term effects, like anxiety, low self-esteem, and increased aggression. It also makes children more susceptible to bullying since their understanding of healthy boundaries and self-respect are skewed. -Healthline

So, just as an exercise for perspective, let’s reverse roles here for a moment. If your toddler is upset and they want a cereal bar now – is it okay for them to scream at you for it? Is it fair to you? Is it how you want to be talked to?

No.

And can you think of a person who did or does shout or yell commands at you? Do you enjoy being around them? Do you feel connected and loving feelings toward that person? Or is your relationship with them filled with annoyance, anger, resentment…?

“Research shows that yelling and harsh verbal discipline can have similar negative effects as corporal punishment. Children who are constantly yelled at are more likely to have behavioral problems, anxiety, depression, stress, and other emotional issues, similar to children who are hit or spanked frequently.” -MedicineNet

How YOU feel dictates how you respond, you see? And how you respond, more often than not, can change the dynamics of your parent-child relationship and create long-term emotional struggles for your child.

It’s true that we can only control ourselves, even when it comes to toddlers, this is true. But the amazing thing is, when you make these tweaks I am going to share with you about how to get a toddler to listen without yelling, they start to listen better! Yes. And you will feel calmer, more in control and less inclined to yell. It all starts with us.

I know you are feeling that mom guilt after yelling and you really want to change this habit. Let’s get into the steps to make that possible…

How to get a toddler to listen without yelling step #1

Choose to yell less. Intentionally set the goal and work to make it a reality. Say what you want to do and make a plan to work toward what you want.

“I want to yell less.”

Wake up and make it a conscious effort each day – you know why? Because it is a natural impulse to have that fiery urge to yell when you are frustrated, exhausted, overwhelmed – in any type of “I can’t handle this right now” kind of frame of mind. For some, it dates back to how they were raised and handled as a toddler themselves. They were once sponges, soaking all of their surroundings, absorbing and retaining what was fed to them as toddlers, whether they realize it or not. And now it is a habit. So, we must build a new one instead. We must choose to manage our normal feelings, differently.

We can break this yelling cycle, whether it is generational or not, it is a habit and there are steps we must take to form a new habit.

Reminder: It starts with us, not our children.

How to get a toddler to listen without yelling step #2

Pause, say aloud to yourself – ‘I am about to freak out’. (Yelling is reacting), do a ‘voooo’ breath.

Respond instead of react. To do this – pause first. Notice your feeling. Drown out the noises, behaviors and stimulation around you so you can be in control of your response. Prioritize your calm.

Put your hand on your chest or clench your hands together in front of your chest. Take a deep ‘voo’ breath. Voooooooo. I know it sounds funny, but it feels deeply soothing. It triggers the vagus nerve, helping you regulate stress.

Then, say out loud what you are thinking – ‘I am about to lose it because they are not listening.’ Just saying it can release the pent up emotion, soothing your desire to explode.

Finally, after pausing and taking that voo breath, say out loud – ‘I can handle this calmly and fairly.’

Sometimes I like to also say – ‘this (helping them learn how to solve problems in different ways, showing them what gentle is, reminding them of the house rules, physically leading them to the goal…) is part of my job as a mom.’

Often times, when we are in the ‘I can’t deal with this’ mindset, we might have the belief that things like this aren’t part of our mom job, but they absolutely are. We are a life coach, a guide, a leader, that is a crucial part of our role to raising confident, kind humans who have a strong sense of self, belonging and ability to handle life’s challenges.

And our toddlers are just learning why it’s important to listen to us, when we are serious, the house rules etc. They live in the moment. They don’t see or understand all points of view and they are incapable of evil intent.

Read this next:

Why Your Toddler Refuses To Sit On The Potty & What You Can Do About It

The Ultimate Toddler Gift Guide: Awesome & Useful Toys Children Love

How To Overcome Toddler Picky Eating: The Ultimate Guide For Stressed Parents

How to get a toddler to listen without yelling step #3

Get close and give a heads up, then a minute and/or an option.

Say you are going to start bed time in a few minutes. They are watching a show and you are washing the dishes. Stop for a second and go over to your toddler, rub their back and give them the heads up – “mommy’s finishing the dishes. 5 more minutes and then we head to the back to read our stories and brush teeth.”

In this moment there is connection and the likelihood that they heard you is high.

Research shows that when we have more moments of calm connection with our toddlers, they are more cooperative overall.

Remember that toddlers live in the moment, so even if you do this every night, you will have to continue to remind them until they are able to self-initiate these things.

Next, after the heads up, give them a reminder, a minute and an option:

“Alright bubs, time to say bye show and move on to story, teeth and bed. Bye show, love you. You start walking or I’ll come and get you.”

Many parents will say, I don’t want to have to come and get them. But the reality is, all toddlers still need this leadership and guidance at many points in the day. So, make peace with it being a developmental reality and once again, make the intentional choice of approaching calmly instead of yelling. Repeat steps 1 & 2 above, as needed.

You will better, calmer, more in control and have better days with your toddler when you choose to respond instead of react. And it will build the connection you have with your toddler, which means they will resist and tantrum far less. What a win, huh!?

Remember, you can either lose control and yell, or choose control and respond with guiding them through the steps, understanding that doing what someone else tells you throughout the day isn’t fully enjoyable and it is fair to be upset, cry, or resist.

If you can’t get close, make an announcement and ask if they heard you: “Ok guys, 5 more minutes of play then shoes on and we head out. I’ll let you know when 5 minutes are done. (Set a timer if it helps). Ok loves, shoe time! Let’s go. If you don’t get come your shoes on, mom is going to come and get you. Say yes if you heard me. Ok, I’m coming now.”

A lot of toddlers want to keep control of themselves and their choices, so making this announcement, which is exactly what will have to happen if they don’t do it themselves, will encourage them to listen to your directions and get them moving.

Remember, sometimes you might have to go get them. They aren’t going to listen to you like a robot. No one will listen 100% of the time BUT they will listen more often AND when they don’t listen to your instructions, do step 1 & 2 and choose to approach them calmly and move through the steps together.

A lot of times, you starting to help them with the steps is enough to get them doing it on their own. And sometimes, it’s cause for more resistance.

So, the ultimate goal is to – say something twice and then instead of yell a third time, just follow through with what you said you would do if they don’t do what you ask. This is the new habit to get into!

How To Get A Toddler To Listen Without Yelling

When resistance is a constant issue

Conclusion

Potty training soon? Watch my FREE Potty Training Masterclass and learn the *optimal* time to start potty training PLUS how to prepare your toddler, your mindset & your space!

Everything you need to know to start potty training with more ease, confidence and calm.

More Parenting Posts You Might Like:

How To Get A Toddler To Listen Without Yelling

How To Get A Toddler To Listen Without Yelling

How To Get A Toddler To Listen Without Yelling

How to get a toddler to listen without yelling Step #4

Need some relief from stressful mom life?

Simple weekly self-care can help you stay calmer and more balanced.

Check out my Stress Relief Coloring Book For Anxious Moms and let your mind rest with my beautiful, calming designs.

When resistance is a constant issue

Conclusion

Potty training soon? Watch my FREE Potty Training Masterclass and learn the *optimal* time to start potty training PLUS how to prepare your toddler, your mindset & your space!

Everything you need to know to start potty training with more ease, confidence and calm.

More Parenting Posts You Might Like:

How To Get A Toddler To Listen Without Yelling

How To Get A Toddler To Listen Without Yelling

How To Get A Toddler To Listen Without Yelling

How to get a toddler to listen without yelling

Why don’t toddlers listen?

Why do moms yell at their kids?

What yelling does to a child

How to get a toddler to listen without yelling step #1

How to get a toddler to listen without yelling step #2

How to get a toddler to listen without yelling step #3

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Everything you need to know to start potty training easier, faster and with calm & confidence.

How to get a toddler to listen without yelling Step #4

Need some relief from stressful mom life?

Simple weekly self-care can help you stay calmer and more balanced.

Check out my Stress Relief Coloring Book For Anxious Moms and let your mind rest with my beautiful, calming designs.

When resistance is a constant issue

Conclusion

Potty training soon? Watch my FREE Potty Training Masterclass and learn the *optimal* time to start potty training PLUS how to prepare your toddler, your mindset & your space!

Everything you need to know to start potty training with more ease, confidence and calm.

More Parenting Posts You Might Like:

How To Get A Toddler To Listen Without Yelling

How To Get A Toddler To Listen Without Yelling

How To Get A Toddler To Listen Without Yelling

Potty training soon?

Watch my FREE Potty Training Masterclass and learn the optimal time to start potty training PLUS how to prepare your toddler, your mindset & your space!

Potty training soon?

Watch my FREE Potty Training Masterclass and learn the optimal time to start potty training PLUS how to prepare your toddler, your mindset & your space!

Potty training soon?

Watch my FREE Potty Training Masterclass and learn the optimal time to start potty training PLUS how to prepare your toddler, your mindset & your space!