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How To Get A Toddler To Listen Without Yelling
When resistance is a constant issue
When resistance is a constant issueExpect it sometimes, use co-regulation, give them a minute, ask what will help them.
They aren’t always going to happily frolic to do what you are asking them to do. That’s absolutely expected. We can still gracefully get through the moment instead of matching their chaos.
We talked about this earlier, they aren’t robots, they have their own desires and wants and are often engrossed in something they love when we ask them to do something else.
So, exercise that patience and understanding if they resist, rather than fight it. Your rational brain knows – this is normal to resist sometimes, I know it’s hard to leave something that you love, I know how that feels.
Having that understanding and compassion will help you stay calm and be fair, rather than feel annoyed and inconvenienced.
Some things I like to do when they resist is:
- Give them another minute: “Ok, one more minute and then we have to go. Alright love, you start walking to the car or I will pick you up.” This additional minute can help them sort out their upset and move on.
- Co-regulate: Use your calm like a super power to help bring them calm. Scoop them up and hug them: “I know you love the park babe. It’s hard to leave things we really love. What can we do at home that we love next? Ooooh water play?! Yogurt pop!?”
- Ask them what will help them do what you’re asking: “I know you have big feelings about brushing your teeth. What will make you feel better when we brush? Holding mommy’s shirt? Holding your lovey or mommy’s toothbrush?”
It IS something we must help our toddlers do. It’s not an inconvenience or an annoyance but a normal thing we must do.
Nothing is wrong with them, they are learning about everything – ABCs, emotions, rules, colors, shapes – none of this comes built in!
What does come built in are emotions – so what can we do with them?? We can be impulsive, explosive and reactive or we can choose to process and respond instead AND help our toddlers do the same!
Conclusion
It is completely normal for your toddler to not listen to you, right away every time. They are not robots.
All parents must communicate, collaborate and compromise if they want the best responses from their children.
When we do these things, we will find that our toddlers are more cooperative and our bond is stronger than ever.
Our homes are no longer battlegrounds, but instead, more like our best friend’s house, more comfortable and enjoyable.
How to get a toddler to listen without yelling starts with us actively choosing not to yell, recognizing that burning feeling in our chest right before we yell, naming our feeling, calming our impulses and responding in a constructive way so we can model and teach how to manage our big emotions, how to be fair and respectful and so we can be the parents we want to be, with less mom guilt and uncontrollable anger that lingers.
I believe in you.
Believe in yourself.
Put these new habit into practice and see what happens Xx Poppy
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How to get a toddler to listen without yelling Step #4
Talk to them about listening often, when it’s a calm, connected moment. Ask them to cooperate.
Describe to them why listening is important! Maybe after story time or in the car or at bed time, when you are cuddling and calm and chill. During these times, your toddler is most open to your teachings.
Toddlers crave knowledge and understanding of the world around them – “why, why, why”. They don’t ask to be annoying, they ask to understand, because they don’t know yet.
When talking about listening, tell them the natural consequences rather than using your feelings. For example:
“It’s important that you listen very very good to mommy when we are by the road because cars are big and fast and cannot see you. They are dangerous!” vs “It hurts mommy’s feelings when you don’t listen to me.”
The lesson with the first one is – cars are fast and dangerous and mommy is keeping me say, so it’s important I listen to her.
The lesson with the second is – I have no idea why mommy is saying stay away from the cool black road and cars and I hurt mommy’s feelings.
The first lesson teaches them about the world, how to stay safe and why mommy is saying what she is saying.
The second lesson is unclear, confusing and makes the toddler feel responsible for others’ feelings.
Remember, your toddler is not listening to you for a variety of reasons – their own natural inner desires, wants and needs, they didn’t hear you, they don’t understand the importance – all valid reasons.
As your toddler gets older, 3-4yrs+, you can start talking to them about how you two are a team and what you would like to see from them sometimes.
For example: “Hey babe, sometimes we are running late for school and work. I try not to let that happen, but when it does can you please help mommy and go fast? It’s hard for me when I am the only one going fast and we are a team. If we all work faster to get into the car, we won’t be late and we will feel better.”
We can get them on our team, working together, rather than working against one another.
I’ve recently started asking my 3 year old twins if they can ‘be flexible’ with me and with one another. If one wants a certain car seat and is really worked up about it, I ask the other if they can be flexible and let sister have that seat this time. If I have had a long day and am extra tired, but mentioned that we would go for a walk around the neighborhood, I might ask my girls if they can be flexible and do a walk in the morning instead.
I think it is a healthy and fair way to ask for what we need, be aware and considerate of others, and show them how to ask for what they want/need too.
