how to teach a toddler to share
In this blog post, I am going to go over when and how to (in 5 simple steps!) help toddlers learn the concept and practice of sharing so that they (and you) can have happier play times with shared toys.
Here’s the thing I want all first time moms to know – every toddler I have ever worked with has been emotional about sharing.
I’m the mom of twin toddlers and the owner of a Montessori-inspired Playschool.
Even the sweetest little toddlers sometimes have big, messy feelings about sharing.
It’s natural, normal and can be part of their learning ‘all the things’ journey.
You want your toddler to be kind and get along well with their peers, of course, and teaching (and practicing) sharing is key.
Maybe you’ve tried some things that haven’t seemed to help and you’re still wondering and worried – “How can I teach my toddler to share? I want them to play well with others so we can do play dates, have enjoyable days with cousins and they can do well in school”…
I hear you.
Maybe you’ve encountered your toddler fussing over a toy someone else has or them pushing another toddler over a toy, and you felt embarrassed and saying “share honey, we share the toys”, just isn’t working.
Fret not. There is a simple process that will help your child share more comfortably, even happily.
So, let’s dive into more about teaching toddlers about sharing and the 5 steps you can use to help them share happily and peacefully at play times…
What Age do toddlers learn to share?
The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), tells us that children who are younger than 3 cannot understand the idea of sharing.
In fact, child development specialists explain that sharing skills usually do not appear until around 3.5-4 years old. -GreatKidsInc.Org
Sharing is a skill that is learned over time, just like walking was learned over time and counting is learned over time.
Toddlers’ brains are still under construction, they are not like our brains, fully developed. Nor have they had all the time and life experiences that we have that enable them to consider multiple points of view and have knowledge and understanding of others emotions and desires (let alone theirs yet!).
Yet, they are sharp little buggers, learning new things seemingly overnight, which often confuses us, making us believe they are more intellectually capable than they are.
So, we must remember that they are capable and learning, rather than all-knowing and capable of evil or hurtful intent yet.
And, sharing is complex because, unlike learning to walk or make word sounds, it requires them to consider someone else’s wants alongside outside of their own.
In the beginning, how can they decipher the difference between sharing their toy and giving it away forever?
They don’t yet.
We have to show them, expose them to sharing opportunities, and allow them to process their feelings along the way , so they can grow into the understanding of what sharing is and what it feels like.
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When Should I teach My Toddler To Share?
A great time to introduce the concept of sharing is early on, when they start moving around on their own and interacting with toys.
This way, they are exposed to the language and sequence of events that go along with sharing.
I have seen more toddlers share and take turns with one another from 1.5-2 years old when taking turns and sharing is shown and encouraged.
Keep in mind what the AAP research tells us – that each child’s learning pace and emotional experience can be different, and that sharing skills usually are sharpened by 3.5-4.
So, although we may introduce the concept early, we must adjust our expectations so that we aren’t feeling disappointed, angry or upset with our toddler if they aren’t sharing until 3.5-4 years old more easily and comfortably.
Going back to the 1.5-2 year olds who share – do 2 year olds understand sharing, though?
Studies shows us that they don’t have an overall grasp of sharing yet.
But, what I’ve noticed with toddlers is that from about 12 months – 2 years old, they go through this ‘blind compliance’ as I call it, where they are excited to help you immediately, listen to the instruction and complete what you say.
You’re excited and they’re excited!
Then, around 2-2.5+ years, they start to become more in tune and aware of their own feelings, desires, preferences and thus, naturally begin to blindly follow your directions less, and listen to themselves more.
For example, at 1.5 years old, they might’ve run off to grab the diaper and wipes when you asked them to help, but now at 2.5 years old, they hear you and decide that they are really having a blast building their magnet tiles, so they’d rather stay and keep building.
I’ve seen this again and again with each toddler over the years.
5 Toddler Sharing Tips Every Mom Needs To Know
1. Focus On Taking Turns Rather Than Sharing
First, I introduce a perspective that considers everyone – “we only have one toy and you both want it. Let’s take turns with it!”
Then, I like to say something like, “taking turns. Jackson’s turn then mommy’s turn. We’re sharing the toy.”
Describing or narrating what sharing looks like as you’re doing it will bring their attention to the actions and help them learn the concept better and faster.
It breaks it down even farther and gives more meaning to the word, showing them the concrete ‘how’ of sharing.
2. Start Young So You can Practice & They Have The exposure
This whole parenting thing is a learning journey for all of us. I know a lot about the 0-4 year stage because of the work I do, while my husband is novice to it all. Come the pre-teen and teen years, I will be doing a lot of reading and research (haha!)
Point is – the sooner you start talking to your baby about sharing and taking turns, the more comfortable you will get with what feels good for you to say to them. You will feel comfortable about the rules you set, the lessons you are teaching and the consequences you want to use.
Remember that ‘blind compliance’ I was talking about from 1.5-2 years old? Well, when you are consistent from day one about what you say (about sharing), your toddler will naturally grow into learning and following the rules (more often than not).
Say for example, your 2 year old toddler keeps trying to grab the toys out of his 4 year old cousin’s hands. You might say, “when he puts it down, you can have a turn. Taking turns. You both want the same toy.” Help him hand it back to his cousin and repeat a second time. If he does it a third, you can say, “ok, let’s play separately over here until he is done with the toy and it is your turn.” And then you move him to play elsewhere.
You address the issue so it’s fair for the 4 year old and yet you are patient with your toddler’s behavior because you understand that they don’t yet know how to share or take turns.
3. Decide On A Few Age-Appropriate Consequences You can Use
Dovetailing off of the example I gave in the previous tip, thinking through and practicing a few age-appropriate consequences when your toddler isn’t sharing well, will help you feel calm and confident when you need to enforce them and your toddler is more vocal and resistant to the rules.
Typically more push back happens from 2.5-3 years+. Which is expected because of their growing self-awareness, ability and natural desire for independence.
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4. Play games that utilize & celebrate sharing
“Play is the work of the child.” – Maria Montessori
Those big lessons you want to teach your toddler? Body safety, kindness, sharing – they can be done, best absorbed and accepted through play.
No need for lectures or punishments that can shame and push your toddler deeper into unwanted behaviors.
With play, your toddler is open, comfortable and eager to learn, making it the optimal setting for learning.
And celebrating your child always makes the feel special and motivated, so this can be a hugely helpful tool when teaching your toddler about sharing.
Some sharing games & celebrations you can try:
- Have your toddler line up and play pretend with their dolls! Each doll and your toddler, gets a turn throwing the ball to mommy. “great job taking turns babe! You’re sharing with your dolls! High five for sharing love!”
- Use one shovel during sand play and say “mommy’s turn, thank you! I love when you share with me! Now Jackson’s turn! Scoop scoop! We are sharing!”
- You can work on puzzles or blocks together and if your toddler hands you a block, you can say – “thank you! You’re sharing the blocks with me. So sweet! This is fun!”
- If you have more than one child at home, and both of them are fussing for your attention, you can talk about ‘sharing mommy’. “Both of you missed mommy and want my attention. Let’s do eeny-meeny and see who gets to do tickle monster with mom first. Sharing mommy!
- When you and your husband are sharing a meal, you can narrate and say – “Mmm yummy dim sum! Want to try this one daddy? Sharing food with daddy!”
There are lots of instances where we need to take turns or we are sharing throughout the day. Creating those and narrating them, can normalize sharing and help your toddler understand how it’s done.
You can use a timer to help take turns and share toys. This gives a very clear end and start that your children can understand and get used to. Many toddlers look forward to it.
If you’re at a play date, stay close to your toddler and help them through any situations where sharing is happening, as they are still learning and your added support will help keep things smooth!
5. Set The Rules & Give Clear Examples
What rules do you want to set in your house about sharing? What do you want your toddler to know about sharing for when they enter daycare or preschool and beyond?
Some helpful things you can tell your toddler:
- Your things are yours and your friends things are theirs. It is up to you if you want to share your things and it is up to your friends if they want to share things with you.
- It’s nice to share.
- We don’t always want to share.
- When someone doesn’t share with us, we might feel sad or upset. It is their choice and we can find something else to have fun with.
- My siblings and I can figure out a plan if we want to play with the same toys.
- When someone has something we want, we ask them first. They will say yes or no and we listen. If they say no, we can wait until they are done for our turn, and do something else fun while we wait.
- If someone keeps taking things from my hands, I can tell them to stop or ask mom or my caregiver for help.
6. (Bonus) Read Books To Keep Reinforcing How & Why We Share
Toddlers love story time and it is an excellent opportunity for you to teach in an engaging, visually stimulating way.
Here are a few books that are great for teaching toddlers the concept of sharing:
7. (Bonus) Redirect while They Wait Their turn
I mentioned this in a bullet point with number 5, but I want to highlight it as it’s own tip, because it is very helpful.
Redirecting when teaching sharing might sound like this: “There is one car and you both want a turn. You can have it after Jake. Let’s build blocks/draw/grab a snack while we wait!”
Practicing redirect often, will help give your toddler ideas, and soon, get them into the habit of doing something else while they wait for their turn.
Win!
Conclusion
How to teach a toddler to share can be simple and natural. Their deeper understanding of the concept and doing it more easily will unfold over time and with practice, support, celebration and guidance.
Navigating feelings about sharing is normal, as is needing to help them calm down and try again/re-visit later.
Remember not to force your toddler to share. Forcing in general is not a good teacher of what we hope to teach, in this case sharing. Instead it teaches them to be forceful, disregard others, and that their desires and emotions are shut down or ignored, which is very confusing and upsetting.
For older toddlers 3-4 years+, encourage them to work together to figure out how they can share or take turns. Give them and idea and let them try to work it out before rushing to solve it for them. This reinforces their ability to problem solve on their own with their sibling and peers.
Narrate when sharing is happening. Celebrate them when they share and encourage fair sharing rules in your home.
With this framework, you will have a toddler who understands what sharing is, how to do it and does it often!
Give it a try!
Xx, Poppy
About Low Stress Motherhood
Let's harness the chaos so we can find your happy place in motherhood. I'm here to help moms find some solace and helpful resources that ease the load of motherhood and allow them to show up as the person they want to be, for themselves and their children.
