How To Avoid Power Struggles With Toddlers

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This post is all about how to avoid power struggles with toddlers.

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Toddler Power Struggles

Struggling with toddlers is inevitable, but constant power struggles don’t have to be a regular thing in your home anymore.

Promise.

I’m the owner of a Montessori-inspired daycare and preschool, and a mom to twin toddlers, one of whom is spirited.

I’ve worked with dozens and dozens of different types of toddlers for almost a decade, and I am going to show you how you can say goodbye to power struggles for good.

I cannot remember the last time I engaged in a power struggle with a toddler.

With what I share today, you will soon be able to say the same sentiment.

From what you learn below, you will be able to remain calm, fair, and respectful toward your child while gaining their cooperation, instead of engaging in power struggles.

Sounds good, right?

Truth is, most of us parents are learning to parent the child in front of us as we go, which means we rarely know how to handle any given situation in the heat of a moment, in a way that feels right or gets a good response. We’re often flooded with emotions and struggle to find ways to communicate and teach in a way that our child responds well to.

It’s normal.

But, new habits can be learned, so it doesn’t have to be your normal anymore 😉

Get ready to say goodbye to those back and forth, ‘yes/no’ battles at the dinner table, park, with siblings, brushing teeth, leaving the house, at the store… for good!

Here is where we start…

Firstly, I am a huge believer in teaching the way [each child] learns, and I want you to consider adopting this mindset as well.

Doing this means we need to try new things, observe, adapt..

We cannot just think – ‘this is how I teach’, ‘this is how I say it’, because the reality is – sometimes our children aren’t responsive to our ‘default ways’.

We must accept the challenge to observe, get creative, and figure out how to work with our children in new ways that get better responses (more cooperation, flexibility, and calmness).

I call this, collaborative parenting.

And more often that not, when we use collaborative parenting techniques, we avoid power struggles.

YES!

So let’s dive into what it looks like…

I am going to show you how to use collaborative parenting techniques at home so that you can avoid the power struggles with your toddler and gain more cooperation, more often than not.

Keep in mind, it may take some time and practice for these approaches to become your default, but once you start to see the difference in your child’s responses, and how you feel using these techniques, you will be hooked!

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Here is how to avoid power struggles with toddlers, starting today:

1. Be on alert

Pay attention to situations when power struggles happen, because we are going to tweak your approach in those instances.

Like knowing that a hurricane is coming, you can prepare for it!

Awareness (of what triggers power struggles) is the first step to avoiding power struggles with toddlers.

2. Set some new rules

Now that you know when power struggles are happening, you are going to set rules around each of those situations.

For example, you might notice that your child always fights with their sibling over the swing every time they run into the backyard, and when you try to break it up in the moment, they don’t listen to you and you get overwhelmed and frustrated.

Because you notice that this ‘storm’ happens regularly, we are going to now set a rule about going into the backyard and using the swing.

That rule might be that who goes first on the swing is decided before the door to the backyard is opened.

You could write down ‘first’ and ‘second’ on a piece of paper and have them each choose one.

Or, you could have them discuss it and agree, if they are able.

You could even do ‘eeny meeny miney mo’ to decide.

However you do it, the rule is set!

Setting the rule might sound like this: “Ok boys, because we always have a hard time with the backyard swing, we are setting a new rule to make it easier for all of us. Before we open the back door, we will decide you gets to go first and then second. If we can’t follow the rule, we cannot swing. Let’s try it today.”

Now, I want you to understand that your children are not always going to be happy about the rules and happily follow them.

Have you ever not liked a rule and been upset about it?

Your toddler might express their upset by crying or saying ‘no!’, which is totally normal.

(Don’t worry, I go over how to handle emotions in #6)

3. Give them freedom within the limits you set, often

It is natural for toddlers to want to have some control and feel upset when they don’t . It’s human. Having control makes them feel pride, a sense of belonging, and it helps them learn, too.

It can be a major adjustment for new parents who are just coming out of the infant phase of doing everything for their helpless baby.

You can give some control, while still keeping some control by using freedom within limits.

Some freedoms within limits you might set could be:

This is what is for dinner (limit) and you can choose one side and a dip to go with it (freedom) For help with picky eating, see this blog post.
We are going to nap (limit) you can choose the game we play before bed, turn off the light, and pick the book we read (freedom)
It’s time to leave the park (limit) you get to choose the snack we have in the car and the game we play when we get home (freedom)
It’s time to put our toys away for the night (limit) you can choose the 2 things you are going to help with and the 2 things mommy is going to help with (freedom)

4. Explain the why behind limits/rules/boundaries

Toddlers are still learning the way of the world and are craving explanations.
“Why?”
“Why?”
“WHY?!”
Sound familiar?

Toddler’s don’t do it to ‘question your authority’ as some traditional parenting might tell you. They also don’t do it to be annoying.
They do it to understand!
And the more toddlers understand, the more likely they are to follow rules.

You might explain why to your toddler when:

You have a rule about wearing a helmet (because it protects your head if you fall)
You have a rule about only throw soft toys (because hard toys will hurt if they hit someone and can break things)
You have a rule about eating all different color foods (because different foods provide our bodies different nutrients and we need lots of nutrients to stay healthy and strong)

5. Use “If, then” and “let me know when you’re ready” statements

Once you’ve told your toddler about the rules, you can use “if, then” statements to remind them.
Toddlers learn new concepts through repetition.
You know how they want to read the same book over and over?
Their little brain is working to make connections and learn.
So, it makes sense that with discipline reminders will be needed and normal
Take a deep breath and lean into reminding, calmly and using “If, then”.
For example, you might say:

“If you want to have a turn on the swing, then you need to give others turns too because there is only one and it is for everyone. Two more pushes and you come down or I’ll help you down.”
“If you want to go to the park, then we need to put the toys we used away, first. Let me know when you are ready.”
“If you want to scooter, then you need to wear your helmet to protect your head. Let me know when you’re ready.”

Using “if, then” and “let me know what you’re ready” statements will help you avoid power struggles with toddlers.

6. Get comfortable with & validate the feelings they have about the new rules (while sticking to the rule)

Just like I can’t stop your feelings, you can’t stop your child’s.

Everyone experiences emotions differently, some more intense and more often than others. It is what it is.

Emotions come built in, how to cope with them does not.

Have you ever noticed that when you tell your toddler to stop crying, they cry more or louder?

It’s because they are feeling some big feelings, and not by choice.

They are having a hard time, not trying to give you one.

They aren’t yet aware of their feelings, what triggers them ,and how to respond to them in appropriate ways. This is actually a learned skill. And teaching your child emotional intelligence will be extremely helpful.

In fact, making it safe to feel feelings with you and teaching appropriate coping skills is a very important part of our parenting role.

One that many parents try to avoid or feel uncomfortable with. (Usually because our parents avoided our feelings and felt uncomfortable with them!)

Instead of avoid your toddlers feelings or tell them not to feel a certain way, embrace their emotional experience.

This will not only help the emotions pass quicker, it will also open them up to learning coping skills from you and listening to your directions.

Have you ever had a someone brush you off when you were feeling down?

How did you feel toward that person?

What about when someone listened to your feelings?

How did you feel toward that person?

Here is what validating your toddler’s feelings while sticking to the rule might sound like: “You’re upset about the new rule, I hear you. I feel upset about rules sometimes too, but this is fair for both of you and will make taking turns easier. Let me know when you’re ready to do ‘eeny meeny miney mo’ and then we can go to the swing.”

Setting rules, sticking to them, and validating their feelings along the way is extremely helpful in avoiding power struggles with toddlers!

7. Use hugs as a tool (in addition to showing love)

If your toddler is still crying, stomping their feet, or upset, you can simply ask, “would you like a hug to help you feel better?”

I like to give a hug and take 2 big deep chest breaths while hugging them.

Most toddlers will do the breaths with me, without me saying anything. It’s like they’re contagious 😉

Then, I bring attention to the coping skill of breathing by saying, “deep breaths help us feel better when we feel upset so we can play again.”

Hugs from a calm nervous system are proven to de-stress a ‘worked up’ nervous system.

They’re also believed to boost oxytocin, creating relaxation and calmness.

Hugs are a parenting tool!

Sometimes they’re needed from us for coping, and other times we excitedly give them away freely as a way to show our love.

Both types of hugs will happen regularly in our parenting journey.

Hugs will help you move past power struggles with toddlers (and many other emotional moments!)

8. Redirect their attention with a question

Now that the rule has been said, their feelings have been expressed, you’ve validated their feeling and offered a hug, it is time to redirect them with a question.

All of this typically happens in the matter of a 1-3 minutes.
Here is what redirecting them with a question might sound like, “Ok boys, mommy is going to move on – would you like to do water play, get ready for the swing, or rest for a bit?”

Keep in mind the last thing you say will probably be what they say they want, so organize your words to end with what you might prefer them to do for a bit.
Let this be your new recipe for avoiding power struggles!
Give yourself time to practice. Maybe at least one week to one month!
It might feel very different than what you’re used to, but let the results speak for themselves.
Watch how differently your toddler behaves, and how differently you feel!

Potty training soon?

For the most supported, easiest potty training experience possible, check out my Mindful & Peaceful Potty Training Course that has helped hundreds of struggling, stressed moms:

Why Is Everything A Power Struggle With My Toddler?

Toddlers, like us adults, are humans who crave autonomy and the ability to make choices in their lives. It is natural to want this.

The challenge as a parent is, creating boundaries and rules that make things safe, fair, and balanced, and letting our children have freedoms within the limits we set.

‘Freedom within limits’ is a pillar of the Montessori approach. You can learn more about using Montessori at home with this easy-to-read book.

Dr. Maria Montessori observed the natural desire each child had for independent thought and action from toddlerhood.

Montessori parents experience less power struggles and less chaos in parenting because the approach gets very different responses from children.

There are a handful of reasons why everything might be a power struggle with your toddler.

Some of the most common reasons are:

They have a challenging temperament that is innate. You can read more about the 3 main types of temperaments here.

They aren’t involved in choices throughout their day, so they push against being told what to do by others.

They are naturally impulsive and cannot consider other points of views yet. Teaching emotional intelligence can change this by instilling empathy, kindness, and patience.

For more professional help with talking to children effectively, you can take a workshop like this one, that will teach you how to talk to your child so they actually listen and cooperate. It can be life changing!

What Is The Power Struggle Phase Of A Toddler?

Parents may begin to enter into power struggles around the time their child is 1.5-2 years old, as their toddler has moved on from being a completely dependent baby to a more able toddler exploring the world.

Parents still experience power struggles outside of the toddler phase, at ages 4-5+.

The thing about power struggles is, we can choose not to engage in them, and approach them differently.

We adults have more awareness, more self control, and can consider more points of view than a child can, especially a young one.

So, we must lead the way in moving away from power struggles to a different dynamic.

A toddler cannot problem solve at that level yet.

Another thing about power struggles, is if we are not collaborative, meaning we don’t consider our toddler’s desire to choose and have some control (within limits we set, remember) we may forever experience power struggles with them and never have the connected bond we desire because of it.

If you are at your limit and exhausted from constant back and forth battles with your child, I highly encourage you to explore a parenting training that will give you the training and tools you need to be a calmer, happier parent. Because, your parenting experience can be VERY different once you know how to parent differently. And truthfully, all of us need a little more support in our parenting journey!

Get Your Child An Emotions Coloring Book To Build Emotional Intelligence

How Do I Stop Power Struggles With My Child?

To stop having power struggles with your child, you need to:

Get curious about why they are acting a certain way
Consider their point of view
Give freedoms within limits
Use “If, then” statements (“If you want to go with me to the store, then you need to buckle up. You can buckle or I buckle.”)
Show them how to be flexible by being flexible yourself
Show them how to be patient by being flexible yourself
Give your toddler a heads up about new settings and how they might feel with things, like daycare or relatives visiting, so they know what to expect
Understand they need time and practice to get better at things like taking turns and waiting patiently
Play games that teach them things like listening skills and taking turns
Praise them often
Give them a reminder before enforcing a consequence
Avoid repeating a rule until you blow up, say it twice and enforce the consequence instead
Practice healthy calming and de-stressing habits and teach them to your child, too
Set fair and logical consequences to unwanted actions, and follow through
Validate feelings
Ask questions
Ask them what their idea is (collaboration, remember?)
Comfort them to move on
Redirect with a question
Teach emotional intelligence
Accept that problem solving and trying new things is part of good parenting

Here are a few examples of how I avoid power struggles with toddlers:

“You’re having a hard time with your shoes. Do you want to choose them yourself?”
“You’re getting upset, do you want to try and put them on by yourself?”
“You’re not eating your food. This is all we have for dinner. We can leave it on the table until bed time. If you get hungry, you can come back and eat.”
“Two more minutes and we head out. Choose the last two things you want to do before we go then we can go get a yogurt pop at home or do water play! Ok, it’s time to go. Bye bye park! Love you! What do you want to do when we get home – yogurt pop or water play?”
“I know it can be hard to take turns, but it’s fair. What can you do while you wait your turn? Swings? Sand play? Let’s go see.”
“I get upset sometimes too honey, want a hug to feel better?”
“It’s quiet time now. If you are having a hard time being quiet with brother, I will have to separate you. Do you want me to separate you? Ok, then show me you can be quiet.”
“If you want to go in the snow, then you need to wear your jacket. You put it on or I put it on.”

Want more in-depth training on how to talk to your child so they actually listen (and so you can have a calmer, happier home)? Check out this proven parenting training that helps parents do just that, asap!

My life, along with millions of other moms’ lives have changed by implementing positive parenting practices, and I whole-heartedly believe yours can too!

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What Is The Hardest Toddler Age To Parent?

According to a survey conducted by the BabyCenter, parents find the age of two to be the most challenging to parent. This is because two-year-olds are exploring their independence and asserting their will, which can lead to tantrums and power struggles. The survey found that 70% of parents found this age to be more trying than the exhausting newborn stage.

A study conducted by the University of Minnesota also found that two-year-olds experienced the most emotional outbursts compared to other ages.

However, others may find age 3 to be more difficult due to the child’s increased energy, communication and curiosity, which can lead to more accidents, opportunities for disagreements, and tantrums.

Ultimately, the difficulty of parenting depends on a variety of factors, including the child’s temperament and the parenting style of the caregiver.

Most parents will say that around ages 5-6, the chaos starts to settle.

Yet, others will tell you that age 8 is a zinger and the teenage years are the ‘worst’.

In summation, there are many challenges ahead for all of us parents, and we must figure out the best way we can parent the child in front of us to maintain a healthy, close, loving relationship.

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Do Difficult Toddlers Get Easier?

While every child is unique, research suggests that some difficult toddler behaviors may improve as children grow older.

For example, temper tantrums tend to decrease after the age of three, and children may become more skilled at expressing their emotions in other ways, especially with healthy examples and support form caregivers.

However, parenting challenges can persist or change as children develop, because of innate temperament, parenting style, and personality dynamics.

It is important to seek support and resources if you are feeling unable to handle your child.

There is a lot of support out there!

We all need support.

Search for it, ask for what you need, and get support so you can feel more peaceful in parenting.

“When raised with good parenting, a kid with difficult child temperament tends to do better in cognitive, academic, and social adjustment than their easy counterparts. On the other hand, when parenting is bad, a difficult baby will fare worse when they grow up.” -Parenting For Brain

Potty training soon?

For the most supported, easiest potty training experience possible, check out my Mindful & Peaceful Potty Training Course that has helped hundreds of struggling, stressed moms:

Learn How To Talk So Your Child Listens to you (the first Time & Without Yelling!)

About Low Stress Motherhood

We are more than the stress that we carry.

Let's harness the chaos so we can find your happy place in motherhood. I'm here to help moms find some solace and helpful resources that ease the load of motherhood and allow them to show up as the person they want to be, for themselves and their children.