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3 Examples Of How To Use Appropriate Toddler Consequences That Will Make Parenting Easier For You
appropriate toddler consequences
What is fair? What really works? What are appropriate toddler consequences?
A lot of the time, we will find ourselves in these situations again and again with our toddlers, where our patience is gone and we are reactive, saying things like “I will throw your ipad away if you don’t XYZ!” or “No more ice cream for you if you can’t brush your teeth!”
This is called reactive parenting. We are mad or frustrated and we let that emotion take over and control what comes out of us next.
We often feel mom guilt later, when we are reactive. Or, the feeling of anger and frustration just festers in us and explodes with the next situation and the next situation. And, it just really doesn’t work to get the change in behaviors we are so desperate to see.
This cycle is exhausting for us and truly no way to model healthy emotional management for our impressionable little humans.
And the reality is, because of toddler brain development – they aren’t tiny adults – we will be faced with the same situations over and over, until they understand more and learn new ways of behaving.
The goal instead, is to be more responsive. This type of parenting feels better for us, provides a better environment for our children, and utilizes fair, effective appropriate toddler consequences.
The simplest way to start being more responsive is to: take a deep breath after your toddler does something triggering, think about how you are feeling for a moment, then tell yourself “I can handle this fairly and calmly.”
Big picture as a parent is this – we are responsible for taking our little toddlers as they are – their habits, impulses, emotions and reactions – and being that anchor through all their ‘growing pains’ storms, so that as their brain develops, we are showing them and having them practice healthy, calm, safe ways to manage the big emotions that are elicited by the ways of the world around them, that they are beginning to explore more and more…
- They are more able than they were as a baby and have more rules to learn and follow.
- They might now have a sibling they must get to know, learn to consider, take turns with, be patient with, play nicely with…
- They only have a few minute attention span, but there are situations where we must wait and be patient, like at the store, in the car or the airport…
- They might be a part of a daycare or playschool, where there are rules and routines and many different people they must get to know and work together with…
As a toddler, just entering this busy world, there is a lot to learn and a lot of practice needed to hone their social and emotional skillset. It doesn’t come built in! And the toddler years are the ‘practice years’ for this emotional management stuff.
Remember – to discipline, means to teach. And when we have a baby, we are signing up for a lifetime of teaching. Toddlers learn best when shown and given the opportunity to practice again and again, until it becomes a habit.
“Children need to be nurtured, talked to, and supported by their parents, especially during the first five years of life. If they aren’t, it often manifests into deep-rooted issues that stay with them throughout the child’s life especially making an impact on the child’d emotional intelligence, emotional development, and social skills and ability to play with other children.
Children who do not receive this from their parents during these child development stages are prone to:
- Behavioral issues
- Low self-esteem
- Lacking a sense of belonging
- Developing depression
- Mental health issues
- Addictions
If the caregiver continues to neglect the child’s (emotional needs) during their teen years, the older child will feel like they don’t have a reliable support system at home and may try to find unsafe alternatives to cope with their insecurities.” -all4kids.org
Being that sturdy anchor during the storm of toddlerhood can be a huge challenge for so many of us parents, especially in our busy, rushed world today, and with little knowledge about the toddler brain.
But, rest assured, there are appropriate toddler consequences that will make you feel like a calmer, more in control parent, while giving your toddler a fair and effective consequence that will help shape future behavior.
It’s also important to know that it’s best to give consequences very quickly after the incident happens, so they can make a very clear connection between I did X and Y happened because of that. Rather than, I threw a toy in the morning and then didn’t get dessert 6 hours later. That’s a harder connection for them to build so young.
Ok, let’s dive into the 3 examples of appropriate toddler consequences….
appropriate toddler consequence #1
“If you don’t hold mommy’s hand, I will have to put you in the stroller to stay safe.”
Not walking/putting them in the stroller is the consequence. It is immediate and fair.
Maybe you are walking to the park or into a store and your child wants to walk. You are nervous about cars and safety, of course. Holding your hand is a very fair requirement and if they don’t want to hold your hand, they must go in the stroller to stay safe.
How to use it:
You are lifting your toddler out of the car and they say, “my walk!”
You say, “Ok, if you want to walk, you need to hold mommy’s hand to stay safe. Cars, danger. Grab my hand.”
They say, “no!”
You say, (squat down to eye level or lift them to your eye level) “There are cars, danger. If you want to walk, you have to hold mommy’s hand, ok?”
They don’t know the reason why. Now you’ve told them why and calmly given them the opportunity to grab your hand. If they still say no, put them in the stroller and move on.
Most likely there will be fuss and tears you will have to weather. When this happens, I get a little more expressive about why (“cars are dangerous and cannot see you love! That is why you need to hold my hand.”), then redirect them to the next thing. For example, if we are at the store I might say – “Ok! let’s go grab our chips first! You can choose one and grab it off the shelf ok?” Whereas, if we are at the park, I’d reiterate the ‘why’ expressively then say something like – “ok! We are here! What do you want to do first, you pick! Slides, swings, sand?!”
What it looks like when it works:
Many parents get upset when their toddler gets upset, but I want to challenge you to stay calm, be that anchor and remember that they don’t know the ‘whys’ of the world yet and are going to be upset about rules that take away from what they want to do. They live in the moment and we will continue to be faced with telling them why we must do certain things, and enforcing those rules, regularly, while also being fair about letting them feel and practice managing the emotions that come after.
With this consequence, soon your toddler will be saying to you – “must hold mommy’s hand because cars!” and be calmer because they understand why and that they get to move on to something else afterward.
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appropriate toddler consequence #2
“If you don’t turn off your ipad when the timer goes off, I will turn it off.”
The ipad is going off whether you do it or I do it. Fair and direct. You can do this with things like “put your shoes on” or “time to come inside” too.
It’s hard for anyone to do something someone else tells them to at the drop of a dime (when we ask our husband to dump the rubbish, huh?). Plus, toddlers take longer to process things than we do.
How to use it:
Give a heads up (talking slowly and ideally getting close to their face): “ok love, 5 more minutes and we are moving on to brushing out teeth and bedtime dance party! I’m setting the timer now. When you hear it go off, you turn off the ipad or I will have to. You can pick up where you left off tomorrow.”
I’ve found that many toddlers spring up and turn it off once they hear the timer. Others don’t.
For those who don’t turn it off, I give one more reminder of what needs to happen AND what is happening next: “Op, there’s the timer! Ipad off. Bye bye show, love you! Time for dance party and teeth!”
Giving them that exciting thing to look forward to next (dance party) gets their mind off of the not-so-pleasant task of saying goodbye to something they love, which means more cooperation and less tantrums. Why not mention something cool that is going to happen next?
And if they still don’t turn it off, I calmly say: “Ok, mommy’s coming to turn it off.” Most want to ‘do it themselves’ or keep that control, so they do it. And on occasion, I do have to turn it off and weather some tears.
When weathering the tears of upset about turning the ipad off, I remind them why, validate their sadness, hug and help them move on by taking deep breaths together, waiting until they are calmer then – dance party or teeth.
What it looks like when it works:
Even if your toddler springs up most of the time to turn off their ipad, they still might struggle some days – maybe it was an emotionally charged day, maybe they are overtired, maybe they are already upset about something else – who knows!
But, more often than not, they are turning it off and requesting a song for the dance party or shouting that they want to “do myself!” with their toothbrush.
And when they don’t, you are following through with one more reminder and then turning it off yourself.
Your toddler knows you are serious and there are no back and forth shouting matches that heat everyone up. Just a calm leader to tiny, learning humans, keeping everyone moving through the day fairly, with more calm and less chaos.
Read this next:
The Ultimate Starter Guide To Overcoming Fussy Children’s Eating HabitsHow To Handle Toddler Tantrums – A 4 Step Plan Used By Pros
Toddler Fighting Nap & Bedtime? Here’s What To Do
appropriate toddler consequence #3
You hit your brother again, so we have to separate you or take a break.
Separating or taking a break (together) for a moment is the consequence. Calmly telling them what happened (they got mad and hit and now brother is hurt) and why they are taking a break (hitting is never ok, even if they are mad, they need to handle anger differently) is *key* for teaching and shaping future behavior.
Sibling interaction takes parenting to a whole new level. A whole new set of skills is needed hoooooweee! Not only are we guiding and teaching and responding to one, now we are witnessing two+ irrational humans with limited social skills, impulse control and emotional intelligence try and interact ALL DAY LONG.
Recognizing their behaviors and triggers, will help you craft a plan for how you can break up the day so that everyone is able to get through the day and get what they need.
How to use it:
Traditional, authoritarian parenting would tell you – man! this is so soft. You need to put an end to this right away and take away toys, put in timeout and yell….
Fooey! Based on more recent research and on accounts from anyone who works closely with 0-5 regularly, they will tell you that punishments, threats and timeouts don’t teach and change behavior while maintaining a solid parent-child bond. What they actually do is shame, confuse, scare and create disconnect and resentment in the parent-child relationship.
Instead, we respond to the root and quickly respond with something like: “Whoa! hitting is never ok, even when you are mad.” (identify what happened right before) “He grabbed your toy.” (name how that might make him feel, as feelings create actions) “That made you mad and you hit him.” And now, say this, “Next time you feel mad, you can say – I am mad! Don’t grab my toy. And if he still grabs it you can come ask me for help. I will talk to your brother about not grabbing your toys, too.”
This all seems wordy, but toddlers can understand far more than most parents give them credit for AND it is a great habit to get into – explaining and having them ‘try again’. In fact, it’s one of my favorite parenting lines “let’s try again.” Because, you are giving them that opportunity to practice something new. This is key in disciplining effectively. They are just learning ALL of this stuff. They need time and practice.
Whenever speaking with your toddler try and talk a little slower than normal and get low to their eye level. Remember, they take longer to process information than we do.
If the hitting happens again: “Ok, mommy has to separate you for a little bit. Hitting is never ok.” I take them to a different area to play and remind them before they play close together again, that they need to ‘say how you feel and what you need’ INSTEAD of hitting. Ie: “I am mad! Leave my toys alone!”
If the situation is more aggressive, heated or serious, I will have them take a break with me and say something like: “You were really mad and hit your brother hard. That is very dangerous. Hitting is not ok. We need to sit here until the anger is gone and we feel calmer. Next time, control your body and say “I am mad! Stop grabbing my toys!” instead, yes mom? And if you feel really mad, you can come ask me for help.”
I also find that separating the day with intentional ‘free, together play’ and ‘separate, alone play’ is very helpful for keeping everyone calmer and more balanced, rather than constantly emotionally charged.
And lastly, I encourage toddlers (2-3+) to ‘talk to each other’ when I hear a scuffle happening. For example, if I hear them screaming over a toy, I might remind: “Tell each other what you need instead of screaming. Talk to each other. Make a plan to figure it out.”
What it looks like when it works:
Hitting, pushing, throwing, screaming, shouting won’t end immediately. Shucks, I know! Like anything and everything in this phase of your toddler’s life, they will need time to process, practice, and build a new skill and habit.
The important thing to remember is – it does matter. How you respond and what you say and model, does compound over time and become their inner voice and compass.
Here at my preschool and daycare, I am at a point with my 2-4 year olds where I can hear a scuffle and say – “talk to one another” or “make a plan to figure this our instead of screaming” and they do! I don’t need to get close or referee. A lot of times, without me saying anything, my 3-4 year olds will say “wait, i have an idea! You do this” or “can you do this instead of grabbing my toys” – they are giving direction and catching themselves in the emotional upswing. It’s amazing to see.
I really make it a point to describe why and discipline, from 12 months on. Before that, it’s more narrating and saying things like “gentle hands”, but come 12 months, we take breaks, we separate, we describe more, so they hear the tone and see the actions, and are exposed to learning in that way.
Getting toddler books on all the topics you are trying to teach and practice is an easy and fun way (toddlers love story time!) to repeat concepts over and over for them to retain.
conclusion
Say something once or twice, then be very specific about what will happen if they don’t do what you asked them to do.
Appropriate toddler consequences happen quickly after the incident happens.
Be fair.
Timers can be great.
Explaining and practicing again and again, is important.
Remember, where their brain is in development.
Remember, they have a very limited social and emotional skillset.
Remember, we are responsible for allowing them to practice to learn new skills.
Remember, there are literally learning everything – how to consider others’ points of view, how to listen, what is safe and not safe, what is ok and not ok, what happens after they have a big emotion, how to control their body, how to be kind, how to …. ALL the things!
Exercise patience but be firm with your follow through on fair, age appropriate toddler consequences, and come preschool age and beyond, you will have an emotionally intelligent, kind, considerate, cooperative yet independent child who feels supported, loved and capable!
Ah, what a beautiful thing!
And remember, you won’t always say it right or be calm or respond BUT you are aware of why it matters and you are aiming for it in your parenting, even when you are disciplining and dealing with those difficult behaviors.
Kudos to you for being the wonderful mom your toddler needs, deserves and loves!
