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The Best Way To Handle Sibling Fights So They Happen Less & Your Children Learn To Get Along Better
conclusion
You’ve set the foundation of emotional awareness and acceptable behavior, given them a setting to practice and see it in action often, and you are now taking a step back and letting them practice important those social, emotional, and problem solving skills on their own, with one another, that they will use forever!
Recognize when the drama usually happens, so you can plan for it and feel less stressed and explosive when it happens. Share the details of what you’ve seen with your partner and care team.
Get aware of what triggers you and prioritize your calm before approaching your kids. Whether you yell and punish or calmly approach and teach them, your children are learning by sheer observation. Get more in control of you, so you can feel better yourself plus, be a better example.
Read and teach them about emotions and acceptable behaviors from day one! It’s never too early. Start today.
Show them what kind is, playing nicely is, gentle is, taking turns is, sharing is – give them lots of opportunity to practice.
Once they’ve had lots of practice and are speaking to you and each other well and often, start stepping back into the coach role and use those phrases I shared above!
This is the best way to handle sibling fights! It’s fair, allows you more calm and balance, helps your children maintain a fair, respectful, loving, cooperative relationship and is developmentally-aware, which mean shaming and punishing – which can lead to lack of self-esteem, belonging and depression, is avoided! It’s a win win win!
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Everything you need to know to start potty training with more ease, confidence and calm.
Start coaching from afar and encouraging them to resolve themselves, rather than doing it for them.
The foundation has been set and your children talk more, communicate with one another regularly, and have had lots of practice and examples of emotions and playing nicely. Usually this is right around 3 years old and beyond.
At this juncture, we still need to be there, be aware and help WHILE ALSO SIMULTANEOUSLY, encouraging them to get hands-on independent practice, often.
This removes you as the referee and puts you in a coach position instead. Again, if it is not safe and getting too wild, you intervene as needed. But, little scuffles will happen and you want to foster that person-to-person resolve, those coping and problem solving skills, rather than be the problem-solver yourself.
So what does coaching vs reffing look like?
What to do:
Use this simple ‘sibling fight coaching phrase‘ – either when you hear things getting out of control OR one of your children comes to you ‘tattle-telling’ (jake took my toy/sissy hit me/brother pushed me):
‘I’m so sorry babe that is not nice. Go talk to each other. Tell him how you feel and what you need.” (ie: I am angry! Don’t take my toys!, I am frustrated! Please stop grabbing my magnet tiles!, I’m getting mad, stop kicking my chair!)
And set this house rule: “We are in charge of our own bodies. If someone tells you to stop doing something to them, you stop. If you want someone to stop doing something to you, you say stop and they stop.”
If you overhear one of your children saying “stop, stop, stop!” You can reinforce the house rule by saying, “When someone tells you to stop, stop. Jackson, I hear your brother telling you to stop. He’s in charge of his body.”
If you overhear a scuffle over a toy or a game, you can say – “how can you guys figure out taking turns? Make a plan together.”
And still, if resolve isn’t happening, you can announce some ideas like: “You can build the biggest castle together!”, “You can have all the blue and yellow blocks and brother can have the red and purple.”, “You can each grab your own bag and fill it up!”
And finally, if all is getting worse, go close and offer help(taking that deep breath and saying to yourself “I can respond fairly and calmly”) or recommend they take a break until they are ready to figure it out together.
Use these reminders throughout the day as needed to handle sibling fights.
And in quiet, connected moments like at bed time or when you are cuddling with one of your children, you can mention something like, “hey, you have been getting really frustrated with your brother a bunch lately, huh? How come? What can you do to make playing together easier? What can you do when you’re frustrated? (let them think and and answer…) You can tell brother what to do instead of scream no and cry, right? You can move away and ask for space, right? Let’s practice those things, ok?”
These heart to hearts will help you handle sibling fights, not only now, but long-term. Asking questions to build awareness, guiding them, suggesting things, and encouraging them to practice.
Helpful sibling fighting books:
conclusion
You’ve set the foundation of emotional awareness and acceptable behavior, given them a setting to practice and see it in action often, and you are now taking a step back and letting them practice important those social, emotional, and problem solving skills on their own, with one another, that they will use forever!
Recognize when the drama usually happens, so you can plan for it and feel less stressed and explosive when it happens. Share the details of what you’ve seen with your partner and care team.
Get aware of what triggers you and prioritize your calm before approaching your kids. Whether you yell and punish or calmly approach and teach them, your children are learning by sheer observation. Get more in control of you, so you can feel better yourself plus, be a better example.
Read and teach them about emotions and acceptable behaviors from day one! It’s never too early. Start today.
Show them what kind is, playing nicely is, gentle is, taking turns is, sharing is – give them lots of opportunity to practice.
Once they’ve had lots of practice and are speaking to you and each other well and often, start stepping back into the coach role and use those phrases I shared above!
This is the best way to handle sibling fights! It’s fair, allows you more calm and balance, helps your children maintain a fair, respectful, loving, cooperative relationship and is developmentally-aware, which mean shaming and punishing – which can lead to lack of self-esteem, belonging and depression, is avoided! It’s a win win win!
Want the best potty training prep?
Drop your name and email below to get a FREE instant download of The Peaceful Potty-Training How-To Guide Cheat Sheet. We never spam.
Everything you need to know to start potty training with more ease, confidence and calm.
Asap, start teaching about emotions & how your child can safely/appropriately handle them.
Have you or your care team taught your child about emotions? And what happens to our body when we feel them? And situations where we might experience all the different types of emotions?
If you have – wonderful!
If you haven’t – get to it! Even preschool and kindergarten teachers nowadays will tell you that more important than teaching your child their colors and shapes, is helping them get a clear understanding and grasp on their emotions.
What to do:
Read a lot about emotions and actions and remind them, show them and have them practice safe, appropriate behavior. Plus, separate them as need throughout the day to play solo and have some space. Most toddlers won’t be able to initiate this much-need space until around 3 years old+. So, it’s important that you help them do so, until they are able to initiate it themselves.
When separating fighting siblings, you might say something like, “you guys are really frustrated with one another and can’t figure out how to play nicely. It’s good to take a break when you are so frustrated. Mommy will help separate you until you are feeling better.”
You might also say, “is there another way you can figure this out? Hitting is not ok. Try again. And if you still feel frustrated, you can take a break until you are ready to try again.”
This is a wonderful book that teaches on and describes emotions:
This next book talks about how we can play nicely and how to tell if a younger sibling doesn’t like something:
Both are great additions to story time for emotional intelligence!
Now, we can’t just depend on these books. We must also teach our toddlers about playing nicely, show them and have them show us, often.
For example, some ways we can teach this is by saying:
“Gentle hands like this. If you aren’t gentle, I have to take the toy/move you.”
“That’s too rough and is hurting sis, that is why she is crying and pushing you. Try holding her hands instead of her neck. Show me holding her hands, yes! you got it!”
“Remember, hands not neck. Danger! Owee! Hands not neck, or I have to separate you two.”
“If someone has it in their hands, you ask and they will say yes or no. If they say no, wait until they are done before grabbing it. You can grab a car or play with the magnet tiles until they are done.”
Reminders are rules like these help your child understand how things work and what to do.
Rather than only hearing “no!”, “stop!” “bad!” “don’t do that!”, which teach nothing and give no opportunity to learn something different.
Now, once this foundation is set and your toddler is speaking and communicating more with you and their sibling, we can move into the final step of the plan to handle sibling fights, where you step back a bit more and let them figure things out amongst each other. (Of course, if it is unsafe, you will intervene.)
Start coaching from afar and encouraging them to resolve themselves, rather than doing it for them.
The foundation has been set and your children talk more, communicate with one another regularly, and have had lots of practice and examples of emotions and playing nicely. Usually this is right around 3 years old and beyond.
At this juncture, we still need to be there, be aware and help WHILE ALSO SIMULTANEOUSLY, encouraging them to get hands-on independent practice, often.
This removes you as the referee and puts you in a coach position instead. Again, if it is not safe and getting too wild, you intervene as needed. But, little scuffles will happen and you want to foster that person-to-person resolve, those coping and problem solving skills, rather than be the problem-solver yourself.
So what does coaching vs reffing look like?
What to do:
Use this simple ‘sibling fight coaching phrase‘ – either when you hear things getting out of control OR one of your children comes to you ‘tattle-telling’ (jake took my toy/sissy hit me/brother pushed me):
‘I’m so sorry babe that is not nice. Go talk to each other. Tell him how you feel and what you need.” (ie: I am angry! Don’t take my toys!, I am frustrated! Please stop grabbing my magnet tiles!, I’m getting mad, stop kicking my chair!)
And set this house rule: “We are in charge of our own bodies. If someone tells you to stop doing something to them, you stop. If you want someone to stop doing something to you, you say stop and they stop.”
If you overhear one of your children saying “stop, stop, stop!” You can reinforce the house rule by saying, “When someone tells you to stop, stop. Jackson, I hear your brother telling you to stop. He’s in charge of his body.”
If you overhear a scuffle over a toy or a game, you can say – “how can you guys figure out taking turns? Make a plan together.”
And still, if resolve isn’t happening, you can announce some ideas like: “You can build the biggest castle together!”, “You can have all the blue and yellow blocks and brother can have the red and purple.”, “You can each grab your own bag and fill it up!”
And finally, if all is getting worse, go close and offer help(taking that deep breath and saying to yourself “I can respond fairly and calmly”) or recommend they take a break until they are ready to figure it out together.
Use these reminders throughout the day as needed to handle sibling fights.
And in quiet, connected moments like at bed time or when you are cuddling with one of your children, you can mention something like, “hey, you have been getting really frustrated with your brother a bunch lately, huh? How come? What can you do to make playing together easier? What can you do when you’re frustrated? (let them think and and answer…) You can tell brother what to do instead of scream no and cry, right? You can move away and ask for space, right? Let’s practice those things, ok?”
These heart to hearts will help you handle sibling fights, not only now, but long-term. Asking questions to build awareness, guiding them, suggesting things, and encouraging them to practice.
Helpful sibling fighting books:
conclusion
You’ve set the foundation of emotional awareness and acceptable behavior, given them a setting to practice and see it in action often, and you are now taking a step back and letting them practice important those social, emotional, and problem solving skills on their own, with one another, that they will use forever!
Recognize when the drama usually happens, so you can plan for it and feel less stressed and explosive when it happens. Share the details of what you’ve seen with your partner and care team.
Get aware of what triggers you and prioritize your calm before approaching your kids. Whether you yell and punish or calmly approach and teach them, your children are learning by sheer observation. Get more in control of you, so you can feel better yourself plus, be a better example.
Read and teach them about emotions and acceptable behaviors from day one! It’s never too early. Start today.
Show them what kind is, playing nicely is, gentle is, taking turns is, sharing is – give them lots of opportunity to practice.
Once they’ve had lots of practice and are speaking to you and each other well and often, start stepping back into the coach role and use those phrases I shared above!
This is the best way to handle sibling fights! It’s fair, allows you more calm and balance, helps your children maintain a fair, respectful, loving, cooperative relationship and is developmentally-aware, which mean shaming and punishing – which can lead to lack of self-esteem, belonging and depression, is avoided! It’s a win win win!
Want the best potty training prep?
Drop your name and email below to get a FREE instant download of The Peaceful Potty-Training How-To Guide Cheat Sheet. We never spam.
Everything you need to know to start potty training with more ease, confidence and calm.
Having two or more children close in age, who are in the same developmental stage – or where one is barely ahead in development – and who are constantly interacting, wanting to do the same thing, play with the same stuff, and don’t yet have the social and emotional skills to do so nicely and calmly yet?! Yeah, this takes parenting to a whole new level.
Buckle up and let’s make a plan. Because we are going to need one.
Just as tantrums and the push for choice and independence is normal, so is the sibling fighting. Why? Simply because, they are still learning how to interact with others less impulsively, how to control their body when emotions overwhelm them, and their little learning brain is only so developed.
So we, as the informed, loving and prepared leader with a fully developed brain, must make a plan so that we can move forward and help guide them out of the chaos. And soon, with time, practice and modeling of your plan, they will learn new ways of playing together and their relationship will grow to be strong, loving and considerate.
I am here to help you navigate these rocky waters so that you can handle sibling fights without losing your mind AND so your children can learn to get along better. (If you don’t know me – Hi! I’m Poppy, the creator of this website, the owner of a Montessori-inspired daycare and preschool in Northern California and a mom of twin toddlers.)
Let’s dive into the plan you can use to handle sibling fights asap…
handling sibling fights step #1
Take note of when the scuffles usually happen.
Sound funny to ‘take notes’ about your home life? It might sound funny BUT it can work wonders for you in building this plan to handle sibling fights! You will recognize patterns and be able to forecast when a sibling storm is about to hit. It will also help you tell others (like your spouse or care team), what situations usually trigger a scuffle and how they can prepare/diffuse them too (more on this soon).
What to do:
Spend a 1-2 days observing your children. Be aware, watch what and when and why things are happening. Write those down.
It’s easy for us parents to be busy and consumed by the to-do list, that we aren’t able to really recognize triggers and timing of outbursts. But, if we are observing with intent to decode behaviors, we will notice a lot. And once we notice those things, we can start building a workable plan that will make sibling fight managing, minimizing and teaching, so much easier.
Do they start fighting in the morning right when they wake up? Are they both tired and grumpy?
Do they fight when one person says something that isn’t true about them?
Do they take toys from each other’s hands and they scream and hit?
Do they fight over how an activity should be done?
Do they fight continuously when it is close to bedtime or eating time?
Jot all of these things down.
handling sibling fights step #2
Check in with your beliefs, emotional awareness and impulse control.
Real talk – this is harddddd. Just as it is for our toddlers, it can be for us parents too – emotional awareness and impulse control. Why?
Because so many of us parents are exhausted, overstretched, were emotionally stiffled as children and focus on all the constant to-dos and responsibilities we must take care of at any given moment. Tiring, stressful. And how to do you approach situations when you are tired and stressed? Certainly not the same way you do when you are rested, focused on positives, calm, feeling ready… Additionally, many of us parents aren’t aware of how different the child’s brain is than ours. So when we see things like hitting or lying, we often believe that the child is bad, when it is in fact, a lack of skills not an evil intent.
What to do:
First, we must be aware that children aren’t really in control of their emotions and impulses until around 8-9 years old.
Yikes! That is a long ways out, I know.
Take a deep breath and accept this. It is a truth. And it is also proof that sibling fights are normal and we must help them through this phase of learning. Turns out that is a huge part of what parenting is all about huh? Helping our children through each phase of growing up, with as much love and grace and safe boundaries as possible. Hoooweee! It’s a task!
Secondly, start talking to yourself when you feel you are being triggered by your children’s behaviors.
Doing this will allow you to be less reactive to the sounds your children are making. It will allow you to instead, take a pause, and get into a calmer state so that you are able to respond and help, rather than react, blow up, then feel guilty later (and not have taught your child anything positive or helpful in doing so).
Here are some examples of what talking to yourself when you are triggered will sound like:
“This is making me so frustrated right now.”
“I feel like I am going to freak out.”
“Oh my god, I am going to blow up.”
And finally, after you’ve quietly vocalized to yourself how you feel, do this: one big deep chest breath, holding your hands interlaced in prayer position or on your chest and say, “I can handle this fairly and calmly so they learn and practice new ways of getting along.”
Remember, scuffles are going to happen. You are going to have to handle sibling fights. You are going to have to listen to them work through things since you share a house! If scuffles happen often, this is a sign they need more practice with ways of getting along nicely and you are their leader and guide in this.
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Asap, start teaching about emotions & how your child can safely/appropriately handle them.
Have you or your care team taught your child about emotions? And what happens to our body when we feel them? And situations where we might experience all the different types of emotions?
If you have – wonderful!
If you haven’t – get to it! Even preschool and kindergarten teachers nowadays will tell you that more important than teaching your child their colors and shapes, is helping them get a clear understanding and grasp on their emotions.
What to do:
Read a lot about emotions and actions and remind them, show them and have them practice safe, appropriate behavior. Plus, separate them as need throughout the day to play solo and have some space. Most toddlers won’t be able to initiate this much-need space until around 3 years old+. So, it’s important that you help them do so, until they are able to initiate it themselves.
When separating fighting siblings, you might say something like, “you guys are really frustrated with one another and can’t figure out how to play nicely. It’s good to take a break when you are so frustrated. Mommy will help separate you until you are feeling better.”
You might also say, “is there another way you can figure this out? Hitting is not ok. Try again. And if you still feel frustrated, you can take a break until you are ready to try again.”
This is a wonderful book that teaches on and describes emotions:
This next book talks about how we can play nicely and how to tell if a younger sibling doesn’t like something:
Both are great additions to story time for emotional intelligence!
Now, we can’t just depend on these books. We must also teach our toddlers about playing nicely, show them and have them show us, often.
For example, some ways we can teach this is by saying:
“Gentle hands like this. If you aren’t gentle, I have to take the toy/move you.”
“That’s too rough and is hurting sis, that is why she is crying and pushing you. Try holding her hands instead of her neck. Show me holding her hands, yes! you got it!”
“Remember, hands not neck. Danger! Owee! Hands not neck, or I have to separate you two.”
“If someone has it in their hands, you ask and they will say yes or no. If they say no, wait until they are done before grabbing it. You can grab a car or play with the magnet tiles until they are done.”
Reminders are rules like these help your child understand how things work and what to do.
Rather than only hearing “no!”, “stop!” “bad!” “don’t do that!”, which teach nothing and give no opportunity to learn something different.
Now, once this foundation is set and your toddler is speaking and communicating more with you and their sibling, we can move into the final step of the plan to handle sibling fights, where you step back a bit more and let them figure things out amongst each other. (Of course, if it is unsafe, you will intervene.)
Start coaching from afar and encouraging them to resolve themselves, rather than doing it for them.
The foundation has been set and your children talk more, communicate with one another regularly, and have had lots of practice and examples of emotions and playing nicely. Usually this is right around 3 years old and beyond.
At this juncture, we still need to be there, be aware and help WHILE ALSO SIMULTANEOUSLY, encouraging them to get hands-on independent practice, often.
This removes you as the referee and puts you in a coach position instead. Again, if it is not safe and getting too wild, you intervene as needed. But, little scuffles will happen and you want to foster that person-to-person resolve, those coping and problem solving skills, rather than be the problem-solver yourself.
So what does coaching vs reffing look like?
What to do:
Use this simple ‘sibling fight coaching phrase‘ – either when you hear things getting out of control OR one of your children comes to you ‘tattle-telling’ (jake took my toy/sissy hit me/brother pushed me):
‘I’m so sorry babe that is not nice. Go talk to each other. Tell him how you feel and what you need.” (ie: I am angry! Don’t take my toys!, I am frustrated! Please stop grabbing my magnet tiles!, I’m getting mad, stop kicking my chair!)
And set this house rule: “We are in charge of our own bodies. If someone tells you to stop doing something to them, you stop. If you want someone to stop doing something to you, you say stop and they stop.”
If you overhear one of your children saying “stop, stop, stop!” You can reinforce the house rule by saying, “When someone tells you to stop, stop. Jackson, I hear your brother telling you to stop. He’s in charge of his body.”
If you overhear a scuffle over a toy or a game, you can say – “how can you guys figure out taking turns? Make a plan together.”
And still, if resolve isn’t happening, you can announce some ideas like: “You can build the biggest castle together!”, “You can have all the blue and yellow blocks and brother can have the red and purple.”, “You can each grab your own bag and fill it up!”
And finally, if all is getting worse, go close and offer help(taking that deep breath and saying to yourself “I can respond fairly and calmly”) or recommend they take a break until they are ready to figure it out together.
Use these reminders throughout the day as needed to handle sibling fights.
And in quiet, connected moments like at bed time or when you are cuddling with one of your children, you can mention something like, “hey, you have been getting really frustrated with your brother a bunch lately, huh? How come? What can you do to make playing together easier? What can you do when you’re frustrated? (let them think and and answer…) You can tell brother what to do instead of scream no and cry, right? You can move away and ask for space, right? Let’s practice those things, ok?”
These heart to hearts will help you handle sibling fights, not only now, but long-term. Asking questions to build awareness, guiding them, suggesting things, and encouraging them to practice.
Helpful sibling fighting books:
conclusion
You’ve set the foundation of emotional awareness and acceptable behavior, given them a setting to practice and see it in action often, and you are now taking a step back and letting them practice important those social, emotional, and problem solving skills on their own, with one another, that they will use forever!
Recognize when the drama usually happens, so you can plan for it and feel less stressed and explosive when it happens. Share the details of what you’ve seen with your partner and care team.
Get aware of what triggers you and prioritize your calm before approaching your kids. Whether you yell and punish or calmly approach and teach them, your children are learning by sheer observation. Get more in control of you, so you can feel better yourself plus, be a better example.
Read and teach them about emotions and acceptable behaviors from day one! It’s never too early. Start today.
Show them what kind is, playing nicely is, gentle is, taking turns is, sharing is – give them lots of opportunity to practice.
Once they’ve had lots of practice and are speaking to you and each other well and often, start stepping back into the coach role and use those phrases I shared above!
This is the best way to handle sibling fights! It’s fair, allows you more calm and balance, helps your children maintain a fair, respectful, loving, cooperative relationship and is developmentally-aware, which mean shaming and punishing – which can lead to lack of self-esteem, belonging and depression, is avoided! It’s a win win win!
Want the best potty training prep?
Drop your name and email below to get a FREE instant download of The Peaceful Potty-Training How-To Guide Cheat Sheet. We never spam.
Everything you need to know to start potty training with more ease, confidence and calm.
