When Does Parenting Get Less Exhausting?

When Does Parenting Get Less Exhausting? 

A question that no doubt, has crossed EVERY single parents mind – when does parenting get less exhausting? I swear my husband asked this every week since our twins were born. 

Parenting is without a shadow of a doubt, the most consuming, fully demanding thing we will ever do in our lives.

I always say, and want to shout it from the mountain tops for all to hear – we are NOT preparing for a baby, we are preparing for ‘postpartum life’.

Postpartum life – from day one of the baby stage, through the tumultuous emotions of toddlerhood it can feel like a non-stop, hold your breath, oh-my-god-what-is-happening-now exhausting, challenge, unlike anything you’ve experienced, completely unknown, foreign, emotional, overwhelming, beautiful, ugly, blissful, terrible, peaceful, chaotic – all of the things. ALL of the things!

I know. I’m there with you.

Thing is – I’ve worked with parents for almost a decade, in their homes and in my home, so I have had this unique opportunity to see countless raw, completely intimate moments -before becoming a mom- that most people don’t see or experience until they are a mother themselves. Moments not even most family or friends show one another. Moments you cannot help but have. Moments that are human. 

I want you to know from the bottom of my heart that parenting CAN get less exhausting today when you change how you view your child and their behaviors, as well as what you think about yourself and your behaviors. And please, I know that is the LAST thing you want to hear when you are struggling hard (another thing YOU have to do, not thank you! I get it. I feel that sometimes for sure, but it is truth.). 

For years now, I’ve seen how this^ shift transforms how parents feels about parenting – my husband included – making it far less exhausting ASAP.

Transform your thoughts, transform your life. 

But, At What age Do Kids Get Easier? 

Most parents will say that around age 5-6 the chaos starts to settle. Their children have more control over their emotions, can communicate needs and feelings more clearly, can do more things without needing help ever moment and so there are less power struggles, parents don’t have to ‘always be on/at their child’s beck and call’, they can leave them with a project without the playroom being trashed – things like this. Oh, and their child is usually in school of some sort, giving parents more built-in alone, quiet, kid-free time (like they used to know pre-kids).

There is more balance, calm, quiet.

Everyone is settled into a more manageable routine. 

Responsibility for it all doesn’t just fall on mom and dad. School helps, the child themselves, helps. Ah, balance.

There’s less guessing or ‘charades’ of what your child needs, they can communicate it. There are less emotional outbursts. Their brains are more developed and it shows.

You can basically talk to them like you do an adult, age appropriate topics of course, but rationalizing can be done, explanations can be understood, others’ points of view can be considered, understanding of the world around them and the feelings within them exists at a greater level.

When we can communicate effectively, so many challenges disappear. And ages 5-6 years old allow for so much clearer communication between parent and child.

This is where a lot of parents say they start to enjoy conversations with their child, free time more, trying new things together, teaching them cool things, sharing jokes, watching movies together – all of this stuff we dreamed we’d do before having kids and waiting for what felt like forever (baby stage and toddler stage) to get there!

You are on your way, don’t forget that! The stage you are in, is not forever.

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What is the Most Exhausting Age To Parent?

Some parents swear the newness, breastfeeding, sleepless nights and body changes from the baby stage are the hardest, while other parents say that the baby stage was a breeze compared to the chaos of the toddler years, typically 18 months to 2.5 years.

During the baby stage, you are just being introduced to everything – your baby, their needs, your new responsibilities to meet all their needs as they are ultimately helpless 24/7, new couple dynamics, physically less able, a different body, maybe birth trauma, PPD, baby blues, loneliness, confusion, anger, joy – so many emotions.

Meanwhile, during the toddler phase, you may be dealing with lots of big feelings from your toddler. They want autonomy so they want to do things their way, on their own, whether you are in a rush or not or in public or after mom and dad have had a rough, long day. They are just learning to communicate their needs and feelings and learning what all the feelings are and how to manage their impulses that come after the emotions (ie: hitting, screaming, biting). They are inherently messy and loud and need lots of guidance, support, TLC, help and reminding. 

It really comes down to a parent’s tolerance and understanding of the brain development/phase AND the child’s temperament and personality (that plays a role in the parent-child dynamic) that will determine which phase is harder for each respective parent.

Toddlerhood is easier and fun for me because I have has almost a decade of practice with all the emotions, communicating and learning from their ways. While the baby phase was filled with physical pain, lack of breastmilk, minimal sleep and regular coupledom struggles.

The baby phase was a breeze for my husband, while toddlerhood, 18 months to 3 years old, literally left him overstimulated, triggered and upset every day.

When I polled my mom followers on Instagram (over 6,500 moms) 86% said the toddler years were hardest on them.

7 key tips to deal with Parenting burnout

1. View your child as Their own amazing, whole person

Spend time with this person. Get to know this person. You will not have to take care of their every need or be attached to their every emotion for much longer. 

They will grow, and grow to love you so deeply if you do this for them. 

And you will feel so much more peace and calm, even when those tough moments are present.

This book will help you do it.

2. Remember that you are NOT failing, this is just hard 

My goodness this is hard and my goodness you are strong and learning and trying and winning along the way.

You are doing this parenthood thing right, because you know what? There is no perfect parent.

Stay conscious, stay aware, learn about development, take breaks daily, weekly, monthly, prioritize what matters to you and release the rest. 

OH! And remember, social media? Friends? They *usually* highlight their wins so DO NOT let your brain wander and spiral into feeling bad by comparing your entire life to someone’s moment of magic. You have magic moments, too. But life is only partly filled with those. No one’s life is all magic. Remember that, always.

3. don’t stop your child from feeling, help shape their actions AFTER they Have feelings Instead

Let them feel their natural feelings. Fight the need to stop them from feeling. You now why? So they don’t grow up to be the teen and adult who doesn’t know what to do with their feelings, who feels like there is something wrong with them, who doubts themselves, hates when they struggles, people pleases, has low self-esteem. 

Instead, allow your home to be an open, free space for their natural feelings, and have discussions about – appropriate behaviors after a feeling happens, how to manage stress and what feelings are in general.

THIS is what all humans need at the start of life. A family that let’s them be them, feel feelings and guides them to manage the chaos within them so they can help themselves when they’re having a rough time. Amen to that.

This book will help you start the conversation about what feelings are and what we can do when we are experiencing big feelings.