11 Expert Tips On How To Discipline A 2 Year Old That Doesn’t Listen

This is a huge challenge because we often don’t want to face and deal with emotions and unwanted behavior that comes with setting rules BUT doing this is really the best way to get your toddler to listen and comply, more often. You can start doing this right when your baby becomes a toddler and practice it continuously through the preschool years.

• Setting fair rules and consequences might sound like: “We need to stay on the grass, the road is dangerous with lots of big fast cars. If you cannot stay on the grass, then mommy needs to put you in the stroller until we get to the playground.” (Rather than stop, stop, don’t go on the road, ok that’s it, we’re not going to the park if you can’t listen!)

• Following through on the fair consequence you set might sound like: “Ok, I’ve said it twice and you are having a hard time staying on the grass, I’m putting you in the stroller now. This is safe. Off to the park we go!”

• If big feelings happen and they break out in tears and cries, you can try giving them a second chance at listening to you, which is #2….

2. Give them second chances

This might feel weird to you if you don’t look at your toddler as a little person who’s brain is still under construction, who is juuuuust learning about their feelings and how to manage themselves when feelings flood them, who has a hard time listening to and outside influence (including you, their mom) over their own, internal, natural wants and desires. Kind of like how adults have a hard time complying 100% with what their boss says or their partner requests or their pastor tells them to do….

Remembering that toddlers are little humans, built like we adults are, and are under construction with minimal tools in their ‘tool bag for life’, you will be able to meet them where they are developmentally, and exercise more empathy and willingness to help and guide them.  

• Giving them a second chance might sound like: “You really want to walk. Ok listen, if you want to walk, then you have to stay on the grass to stay safe. Mommy will give you one more chance to walk on the grass. You can do it! Let’s try again and walk on the grass to the park. There you go! Maybe find some flowers, maybe hop.”

• If your toddler is especially hyped up, teetering on a tantrum, you can try: Stretching your neck and finding your calm then getting down to their eye level and touching their arms or legs if they’ll let you and say, “you really want to walk. I hear you. Once we are calm we can try again. Let’s take some deep breaths and then walk. One breath, good. Two breaths, good. Three breaths. Ok! Now we’re ready. Remember, on the grass to stay safe or back in the stroller. No more chances.”

3. Count: say what to do after 1 and 2, then 3 is the consequence

For years, I thought counting to a toddler was pretty useless because it ended up getting the parent more worked up and hardly helped the toddler change the behavior at hand. That was until, I had my twins, one of which is what medical professionals will describe as a ‘spirited toddler’. Their persistence, surrounding awareness and intensity with all feelings, good and rough, are next level, almost all the time.

I only worked with one other spirited toddler, and I didn’t have them 24/7, nor did I have my own children yet.

I started setting up appointments with a pediatric behavioral therapist so I could make sure that I was doing what I needed to be doing to meet her needs and let myself release thoughts and feelings with someone who understood and could guide me. She recommended counting, and because I had put it out of my mind years ago, before even having kids, I didn’t think to ever give it a try.

One afternoon I tried counting, and to keep myself calm while counting, I included the request I initially said before counting, after each number. 

For example, I would say, “Emi, sister has asked you to let go. Make sure you are listening when someone asks you to let go of them.” If she continued after that reminder, I would start the count + request. “1 let go of sis. 2 let go of sis. If I say 3, I will come and move you away from sis. 3.”

Within a day of using this, she was mostly stopping by 3. And if not, I would just follow up with what I said I would do after 3. No big explosion, no heat in my chest. No punishing or shouting or feeling out of control. Just a clear sequence of events that I knew would slowly shape the behavior to be nicer/safer etc… 

See, it comes down to control a lot of the time, for motivation, as well as time to process the request. And so, saying I am going to come and move you (me taking control), many toddlers don’t want that (they want to stay in control), so they’ll start to listen to the request or switch what they’re doing. Plus, by the time you remind them of the request 2x and then get to 3, they’ve had time to process and adjust their behavior.

I love that it keeps me calm and disciplines effectively and fairly for my under construction (and ultra persistent) toddler. 

3. Validate their feelings

Validating your toddler’s feelings is a crucial step in letting them know you care; that you see them, hear them, can tell how important something is to them, no matter if you think it is silly or annoying or not. Naturally, them being toddlers, and us being adults, what we find important and big and upset-worthy is different. It’s not about agreeing, it’s about saying, “hey, I see you, I see this is hard for you, I got your back boo.” Kind of like you would to a bestie.

When we validate, it calms them and bring us closer to our children. When this is the foundation of our relationship, talking to them, helping them listen, getting through big feelings – it’s all much easier.

• Validating can sound like: “You’re so upset about being done with bath time, huh? You love it so much! (Want a hug?)” or “Oweee! You tripped on the blocks, ugh! I hate when that happens to me too!” or “You don’t love brushing your teeth, huh? What will make it easier for you? Holding mommy’s toothbrush? Watching your show? Mommy singing a silly song?”

5. Talk about acceptable behaviors in random settings throughout the day

Let’s plant those seeds and remind often, so it’s present in their learning routines and daily lives, until it becomes habit.

• Talking about acceptable behavior in random settings can happen during story time, before bed, while riding in the car, while playing blocks together, while brushing teeth, while going for a walk. Look for times when your toddler is focused on you or playing happily and chill.

• And it might sound like: “don’t forget babe, next time mommy asks you to do something, let’s try and listen the first time I say it.” “If you need a couple minutes to finish something (because sometimes, to them, they are hard at work or really enjoying something and naturally won’t just drop it, especially if it is to do something they find less interesting), you can say 2 more minutes please mom.” or “It’s important we are gentle with friends. Otherwise, mommy will have to move you away from your friend to stay safe, ok? Let’s practice being gentle, all day, let’s practice!”

Check out this top-rated whole-brain way to discipline your toddler:

6. Partner with your toddler in handling big feelings, until they can self-soothe around 4-5+ years old

How many times have you been frustrated, disappointed, sad or frustrated because your reality was different than your expectation?

With toddlers, I find that knowing what they are *actually* developmentally capable of and what normal behavior is during that time, really allows me to have more peace and more calm.

It is not MY toddler. It is not ME. It is not that they are bad or that I am no good at this thing called parenting…. It is that their brains aren’t yet developed enough where they have reasonable coping skills for tough situations, impulse control for big feelings and self awareness for themselves and others. They are *just* beginning to learn these things and practice them, so they become their foundation, their habits for forever. 

Knowing that, whenever I find myself reminding and having to discipline, it helps to think of myself as a ‘partner’ and a ‘leader’ with more tools than them, that will help them until they can help themselves. 

One of my favorite ways to do this is to use a peace corner. Again, we are partners and come 4-5 years old, they will have the foundation set so they can do alone, what we have been practicing together. 

It’s pretty amazing, the power of a peace corner. All my daycare and preschool kiddos, by 2.5-3 years, are running off to the peace corner saying they need space when they need space. Or, when someone is upset, another toddler will invite them to go to the peace corner or get them a lovey from the peace corner. INCREDIBLE. Because, we made it a part of our routine and we practiced together. This is their setting, these are habits we are creating, this is part of their forever foundation for coping with things.

Partnering with your toddler will not only give them all the tools they need to self-soothe sooner, but it will also help you discipline with less drama and stress.

Check out these beloved books for emotional regulation: