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20 Biggest Potty Training Mistakes To Avoid
20 biggest potty training mistakes to avoid
20 biggest potty training mistakes to avoidEven for the calmest of calm parents, those who practice conscious parenting and those who follow a Montessori methodology, potty training can nonetheless be an extremely demanding, confusing and frustrating time.
Most new parents cringe when they hear someone mention potty training.
I am on a mission to shed more light – and calmness – on the topic of potty training and help moms breath a little easier when they talk about potty training so more families can approach this milestone with less anxiety, more insight, ease and confidence.
To date, I have potty trained more than 20 toddlers, ages 19 months to 3.5+years, plus my own twin toddlers. I own a small Montessori-inspired daycare and preschool just outside of San Francisco and am the creator of The Peaceful Potty Training Method.
Here are 20 biggest potty training mistakes to avoid, so that you can have a calmer, more peaceful potty training experience (in no particular order):
1. congratulating pees and poops only, instead of celebrating sitting and trying too
Sometimes when we think about ‘training’ we are focusing only on ‘pee and poop in the potty’ results to gauge success.
Instead, let’s shift our thinking a little and think about ‘practicing’ (practicing using the potty).
This lifts the pressure off of us to ‘train’ them. It also lifts pressure off of them to get it perfect right away, and allows us to focus on their effort successes (they didn’t do it right yet but keep trying), feelings successes (they used to be scared of the potty but aren’t anymore) and pooped-in-the-potty-successes.
Helping your toddler see their efforts with a growth mindset rather than a fixed mindset, will have them feeling more positive, capable and proud during the process. And when they feel this way, they are more likely to cooperate and succeed, with less intervention. This will mean a calmer experience, and in many cases, being fully potty trained sooner.
- What promoting a growth mindset when potty training would sound like: “You are getting better and better honey! Keep practicing sitting and you will get all your pee in the potty soon!”
- What promoting a fixed mindset when potty training would sound like: “You’re having so many accidents! You’re not peeing or pooping in the potty. You sat for 20 minutes but didn’t do anything.”
To help determine if your toddler is ready to begin potty training, you can read this article: When To Start Potty Training Your Toddler (so it’s easier for all!)
Read this next:
When To Start Potty Training Your Toddler (so it’s MUCH easier for all!)
How Often Should I Remind My Toddler To Sit On The Potty?
EVERYTHING You Need To Prepare Before You Start Potty Training That Will Make It Easier
2. not validating feelings
Most toddlers have lots of feelings about potty training. First, it’s new and toddlers often struggle with changes to their usual routine (and this is big change!) Second, they are learning new skills AND doing a lot of practicing that they never had to do before. Mom is reminding them regularly all day. They are helping clean up messes, leaving their toys to go sit, are going back and forth to the potty, washing hands, pulling up their undies, changing clothes – it’s A LOT!
Expect frustrations and approach those frustrations with as much reassuring calm as possible. It’s ok for them and for you to be frustrated.
Hold the belief that they WILL get a hang of using the potty, with time. Thinking this way will help you approach upset with more of an even keel.
Try not to minimize or ignore their feelings, as this can cause more crying and further push back.
So to validate their feelings, if your toddler is scared, you can say: “New things can be scary! I will go with you each time until you aren’t scared anymore, ok? Want to hold hands or hug?” If they are frustrated you can say: “It’s totally fine to be frustrated! I get frustrated when I have to do a lot of new, hard things too! Let’s take a 1 minute break outside. We will try again in a bit.”
Helping your toddler identify their feelings and manage them will keep crying, tantrums and meltdowns, at bay, while you continue toward the goal together.
want to make potty training less stressful?
Check out my peaceful potty training ebook – calmer potty training in 10 days
3. springing it on your toddler rather than including them in the prep and giving them a heads up daily, 2-3 days before starting
Another one of the biggest potty training mistakes first time parents make is not talking to their toddler about potty training before it begins.
Most toddlers do best when they know what to expect. Help your toddler with this big transition by telling them what is about to happen in a few days. Remind them a few times each day for 2-3 days before starting.
You can take it even further by including them in the set up process – let them choose the potty, some stickers! Let them put the hand soap up by the sink and hang the towel!
All of this will get them more comfortable, maybe even excited, which means they are more likely to be calmer, willing participants with less outbursts.
Additionally, I’ve found that giving toddlers this heads up, allows me to face any big feelings before potty training starts, which also let’s me know how I will need to help them along the way, emotionally, during the process. Are they afraid of the potty? Are the upset they have to stop playing to go to the bathroom?
Knowing these things, beforehand, helps me know what I’m in for and therefore better prepare myself and my space, with each particular toddler.
Check out these great toddler potty prep books:
4. not timing trips to the potty off of your toddler’s potty cues and current potty schedule or habits
This is really the BEST starter potty training tip for timing potty breaks, if you are looking to have less accidents and get more pees and poops in the potty, sooner.
Work off of your toddler’s current ‘potty schedule’! And to find out when they usually go, you’ll just want to observe for a day or two, and jot some notes down so you can refer to them as needed and share with your partner/care team.
Doing this will give you so much information to work off of, that will allow you to better plan your timing for going to the potty right around when your toddler actually has to go.
Another big reason timing off of toddler’s potty cues is so helpful is because most toddlers don’t yet have urge awareness when they start potty training and many aren’t yet able to hold their pee or poop either.
Here is a helpful article I wrote on identifying potty cues and teaching urge awareness
Read this next:
Indicators Your Toddler Is About To Pee Or Poop & How To Teach Urge Awareness
Check out these helpful potty training books:
5. not putting toys in the bathroom to motivate sitting and keep interest when sitting
No need to force or wrestle your toddler to the potty. For most parents, it certainly will not feel right to do that AND it will more likely cause your toddler to have bigger outbursts, more push back and an overall negative association with the potty.
We can make trips to the potty more calm and peaceful by utilizing toys and activities that interest them.
When filling the bathroom, consider what your toddler is interested in. What excites them? What do they ask for but can’t often have? What will they be happy to go check out when it’s potty break time?
You’ll be asking them to leave their beloved toys and days work of play each time you take a potty break and this can be a HUGE challenge for many toddlers. So, setting up exciting things in the bathroom is a MAJOR help. Rotate as needed.
Some things I’ve done here with different toddlers has been: special stickers they decorate a paper with only for the bathroom, using one of my pens to draw on paper, blowing up balloons, unwrapping puzzle pieces and putting a puzzle together, looking through photos of real animals.
You can read more about how to do this and why it works, here: Potty Training Pro Tips Every First Timer Needs To Know
The way I see it with potty training is – the bathroom is now a doctor’s office waiting room. What will you put in there to keep your toddler busy and relaxed?
And don’t worry! It typically only takes 1-3 days of having interesting activities in the bathroom, before toddlers start to build the habit of going off of awareness and their urges rather than mom telling them!
On the same topic, here is a quick tip on another thing I do when taking potty breaks – I tell them to bring what they have in their hands! This sounds like: “potty break! Bring your monster jams with you! Vroom vroom!” Most toddlers are happier to leave what they are doing if they know they can bring what they have with them.
Check out these activities for in the bathroom:
Want a FREE instant download of The Peaceful Potty Training Cheat Sheet? Drop your name & email below! We never spam.
Everything you need to know to start potty training with more confidence and calm.
6. Expecting to do it/pushing to do it in a weekend, then getting frustrated and disappointed it ‘didn’t work’/ giving up
When we hear about potty training, as a new parent, often times we hear ‘3 days! Potty train in a weekend! Potty train faaaast!’
Fast is great, if it’s not overly stressful and chaotic. Calm, for most families, is better.
Reality is, it often takes up to 3-6 months for complete potty mastery, for many families.
This time will account for accidents and learning, and it is ok. It is NORMAL. Let’s normalize longer potty training, longer ‘potty practice’. If we don’t start out with the expectation that we/they should be able to do it in 2 days, we are less likely to feel undue pressure, stress and chaos, that may even burn us out or cause more drama than needed.
Potty training completion timing will vary toddler to toddler. And parents really won’t know how it will go until it has begun.
Instead of gauging your timing, and success, off of a societal expectation of potty training, I go back to this – pay attention to your toddler’s potty cues and current schedule. In fact, it seems that the line ‘potty training in 3 days’ may be more for marketing and sales.
With that said, there are toddlers who rip their diapers off and run to the potty on their own because they no longer like the feeling of a wet diaper on them. This is, however, is more rare.
As an example – one of my twins did this just before her second birthday and was using the potty like clockwork, accident-free in 5 days, while my other twin took a month to really understand recognizing her urges and get to the potty in time. She also didn’t seem to mind wetness on her.
Some 2 year olds I’ve worked with were super calm and cooperative, while other were wild, with big feelings and lots of tears. Some 3 year olds I’ve worked with had pooping fears because of bouts of constipation, while others didn’t mind peeing in their pants then changing them, themselves.
What’s best is to define if you and your toddler meet these 3 main signs of readiness, then handle the challenges that come from there, rather than have any expectation of how long it will take before starting. Each child will have their own set of challenges.
Read this next:
What To Do If Your Toddler Gets Constipated When Potty Training
How To Set Up A Peace Corner When Potty Training Your Emotional Toddler
If My Toddler Always Says ‘No!’ Does That Mean They Are Not Ready To Potty Train?
7. not setting up ‘potty stations’ or a temporary play area near the bathroom for the first few days
Not optimally setting up their home – not just the bathroom – for this milestone is one of the biggest potty training mistakes many parents make.
Why set up the house, not just the bathroom?
Because having a contained area and/or minimizing the distance from point A to point B for the first few days will help you manage accidents and cleanup. Doing this will help you sustain and not feel completely overwhelmed chasing after your toddler and cleaning messes up everywhere.
Likewise, your toddler will be able to make it to the potty in time more often. This will help keep them from feeling frustrated or discouraged.
To see how you can optimally set up your area, go to this article: How To Potty Train Like A Pro
Check out these helpful potty supplies:
want to make potty training less stressful?
Check out my peaceful potty training ebook – calmer potty training in 10 days
8. Telling them to go to the potty, rather than going with them until they start to self-initiate sitting
If your toddler doesn’t yet have the urge awareness to go on their own (and most don’t when just starting to potty train), you will want to go with them each time until they start to recognize what it feels like to have to go.
Then, once they recognize that, they will soon be able to hold their pee and poop a bit longer in order to make it to the potty in time.
When just starting out, all of this is foreign and can take time to master.
Rather than tell them ‘go to the potty’ or ask them ‘do you have to potty?’, time potty breaks together off of their potty cues and current pee/poop schedule. This will get more pees and poops in the potty sooner! And seeing that happen will have everyone feeling good and motivated – a solid start!
9. not carving out time for self care moments to decompress and reset
Since the start of the pandemic, self care has been talked about far more. I love that this is happening – a silver lining to this extremely challenging time.
Another one of the biggest potty training mistakes is when moms just go go go and push push push and manage it all for everyone without taking a moment, an afternoon, a day to themselves to breathe, think of something besides everything, and really reset their minds and bodies.
Self care is an essential piece of motherhood that WE must make room for and prioritize. And because potty training is often mentally and physically draining, it is a key piece of potty training with less stress.
For attainable self care ideas, you can see this post: Everything You Will Need In Place For Low Stress Potty Training (self care, supplies and more!)
Check out these mom self care books:
10. Leaving the house and expecting your toddler to be able to hold it until you find a bathroom
I highly encourage parents who are taking on the task of potty training, to stay home until they see more potty proficiency. Usually this takes 1-5 days with my Peaceful Potty Training Method.
While this is best, I understand that this is not always possible – family plans, needing to get out, etc.
If you do have to leave the house, there are a few options:
- take a potty with you in the car and tell your toddler to let you know when they feel pee or poop
- put a pull up on and tell your toddler to let you know when they feel pee or poop AND that you will get back to using the potty when you get home
- take extra pull-ups/dry underwear and change of clothes
- expect accidents
- be calm if there are accidents
- know that accidents may pick up as they adjust to holding and pottying in different settings
11. stopping when you are experiencing accidents
Accidents will be a part of their learning.
They are learning to listen to their bodies, time their sprint to the potty, pull their underwear up and down, wash their hands properly, hold their pee or poop….
Another one of the biggest potty training mistakes is seeing accidents as failures and as signs they are not ready.
There is A LOT of learning happening and accidents are part of that learning. Some toddlers have a few, others have a ton. These are not usually signs they are not ready.
Give them grace and yourself grace.
Here are 5 main things you will want to do when potty training to minimize accidents:
And hey, if you ultimately have to stop and restart at another time, that is ok! You are not defined by when and how quickly your toddler potty trains. IT WILL HAPPEN. And there is no need to overly stress about it.
Want a FREE instant download of The Peaceful Potty Training Cheat Sheet? Drop your name & email below! We never spam.
Everything you need to know to start potty training with more confidence and calm.
12. Punishing accidents rather than seeing it as part of their learning, teaching them what to do instead, and having them help clean up
I like to say – accidents are teaching opportunities. Most of toddlerhood is though, wouldn’t you say? That’s what makes it sooo exhausting.
Nonetheless, when your toddler has an accident, remember, this IS part of their learning journey. Be as prepared for cleanup as possible and have them help you clean it up. I like to have paper towels, cleaning spray, cleaning gloves and extra clothes handy at all times.
I like to sit them on the potty even after an accident in case anything else has to come out and to show them that we still have to sit. This way, for the toddlers who have fomo and have accidents because they don’t want to miss out playing, they learn they will have to sit either way, which can minimize future accidents.
If you are experiencing 5 or more accidents per day, I’d encourage you to focus on your toddler’s potty cues, timing potty breaks differently, making some switches to setup, and teaching urge awareness.
13. forgetting to laugh a little and get silly
With all the planning and all the prepping and all there is to do and remember for this milestone, one of the biggest potty training mistakes I see is – parents forgetting to add a splash of silly!
If your toddler responds to silliness – add it in to your potty training routine!
Make some fart noises with your mouth when your toddler is on the potty! Have a goofy dance party to celebrate when they pee and poop in the potty! Make up your own silly potty song that you sing together!
Doing things this will give them a laugh and lighten the mood AND it will make you smile and laugh too (both of which aren’t happening too often during potty training)
What’s the saying? Laughter is the best medicine? 😉
want to make potty training less stressful?
Check out my peaceful potty training ebook – calmer, easier potty training in 10 days
14. Trying to do day and night potty training simultaneously and feeling completely overwhelmed
Night potty training CAN WAIT! My recommendation is to wait until you see day mastery before taking on the task of nighttime potty training if you are feeling overwhelmed and stressed out.
This is a great solution. This gradual approach can be a great fit for many families.
Read this next:
15. forcing your toddler to sit rather than keeping things in the bathroom that motivate them to sit and stay
I touched on this briefly earlier. Forcing creates more problems than benefits. They’ll be tension, power struggles, more tears and they won’t be comfortable to fully release.
Instead of forcing, set up your bathroom with activities and toys that will motivate your toddler to sit and keep them interested and relaxed. Think of your bathroom as if it were a doctor’s waiting room.
Doing this will avoid many power struggles and outbursts, and keep this milestone far more manageable!
Get some ideas for what to keep in the bathroom here: How To Potty Train Like A Pro
16. bribing or rewarding
With my Peaceful Potty Training Method, we celebrate sitting, pees, poops and getting over fears! We even plan a ‘potty party’ once each toddler is fully potty trained (they all love this one – like a birthday party but in celebration of mastering this milestone!)
What we avoid, however, is bribing and rewarding. When you use bribes and rewards in exchange for certain actions, toddlers become fixated on the bribe or reward, rather than focused on the task of actually doing something. They do not have intrinsic motivation. Instead, they say – “I sat! I get a candy!”, “I went to the potty, I get a gummy!” “No, I don’t want a gummy!”
One of the biggest potty training mistakes I see first time parents make, is depending on bribes and rewards to teach their toddler how to use the potty.
What happens in most cases is, the bribe or reward loses its luster and then parents are at a loss of what to do to move forward.
I prefer to focus on the actual task of peeing and pooping on the potty, explain to toddler why we do it and how to do it and handle the feelings that come up along the way as we practice using it.
17. forgetting that you are an awesome parent, despite the potty training struggles you are experiencing
For some moms it’s hard not to think – what is wrong with me? Why can’t I do this? I suck at this parenting thing….
Please remember that you are not defined by any one moment in parenthood.
You are still a ‘new parent’, learning as you go. We all are learning as we go. And each phase is different, which makes this whole parenthood thing a forever learning journey.
You are not failing anything or anyone if you or your toddler struggle with potty training. You are a normal mom, who is awesome nonetheless!
When you hear those thoughts creeping in, tell your brain to think about 5 things you are proud of and move on!
Check out these supportive mom anxiety books:
18. not comforting your toddler with hugs and helping them calm down
It’s not just your toddler and it is not a character flaw – it is their developing brain that makes them so seemingly volatile. And more often than not, toddlers need our help to calm down, until they can do it themselves – and they will, eventually, but not yet…
Most toddlers do not have the ability to help themselves calm down, especially if they are really worked up. It often only escalates from there. They lack the skills for emotional regulation and impulse control. Both of which are more mastered around the age of 8. Until then, they are learning through observation, example and teaching.
One of the quickest ways to calm an upset toddler, is with a genuine hug.
Yet, it can be the hardest thing to help our toddlers calm down when we’re dysregulated ourselves. A lot of new moms spend their time in survival mode, feeling a combination of anxious, frustrated, overwhelmed, exhausted and sad.
This is why I strongly advocate for self care and include it in my potty training method.
If we can figure out ways to calm ourselves when our toddler is freaking out, we will show them how to manage their feelings as well. We will get past outbursts easier and we will have a greater chance of sustaining through potty training, with less of an emotional rollercoaster.
When things are feeling chaotic because of toddler emotions, a deep chest breath always helps me. Also reminding myself that they are ‘having a hard time’ rather than ‘giving me a hard time’, helps keep me more even-keeled as well.
I also swear by having a Peace Corner in your home. Excellent for potty training and beyond. It is very important this space is a safe, comforting spot NOT a punishment, ‘go figure it out in the peace corner’ spot or it make not work for you at all.
Read this next:
16 Ways To Help Your Toddler Calm Down & Prevent Future Outbursts
19. not seeking helpful resources, especially before starting and when you are feeling stuck
The more you learn before potty training, the more prepared you will be for whatever scenario your toddler throws at you. You’ll have less questions, less frustrations, less stress overall.
I have many resources available for you, including all my potty training blog posts, my FREE cheat sheet with what to expect, how to prepare & more (sign up for it below), and a $12 eBook that walks you step by step through 10 days and all the common challenges of potty training including push back, constipation, fear and big feelings. The eBook also includes an eBook you can read to your toddler about what to expect and what to do when starting to potty train- “Jackson Wonders – What Is The Potty? And How Do I Use It?”
You can also follow me on Instagram for tips and to ask any questions about your specific potty training experience.
Get a FREE instant download of The Peaceful Potty Training Cheat Sheet. Drop your name & email below! We never spam.
Everything you need to know to start potty training with more confidence, ease and calm.
20. not approaching potty training with as much calm as possible
Try not to freak out at every little accident. Try not to huff and puff and be annoyed at your toddler with every clothing change. Try not to yell if they peed on your favorite carpet that you told them to stay off of 30 times.
Toddlers are inherently messy. You can clean that mess angrily or you can remember that toddlers are messy and clean that mess with more calm. It is a conscious choice. One that can transform your potty training experience, your experience as a mom overall, really.
There will undoubtedly be times where you just need to do a primal scream, but let’s not let overwhelm and upset consume and dictate our every move and action with our toddlers.
After all – the quickest way to change your toddler’s behavior, is to change yours.
Keep self care a priority, use approaches that get you better results, laugh when you can, and you be able to carry on with more calm, regularly!
