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19 Reasons Why You May Be Struggling With Potty Training
struggling with potty training
If you’re struggling with potty training, you are among the majority. It is very very common for most parents to struggle with potty training.
Most parents are trying to get their toddler potty trained somewhere between 2 and 3, an age that is already notoriously challenging for us to handle.
More often than not, struggle IS part of the process. Whether it be because it’s exhausting for you, or your toddler has frequent accidents, or they never seem to ‘want’ to sit on the potty – struggle is normal. Let’s normalize that so you don’t feel like you’re failing. You are not. You are in the process of potty training…
I often say with potty training – “this feels hard because it is hard.”
Even a professional like myself, gets frustrated, exhausted and feels like it’s taking forever….
We are working on a new habit, a frequent task, that takes urge awareness, exact timing, the ability to hold pee and poop, patience, consistency, all of which are new to your your irrational, emotional toddler. And odds are, you are either potty training for the first time or this time is different than it was with your last child.
With all that said, there are some key switches you can make to struggle less and see more success, sooner.
If you’re struggling and are not quite sure what the problem is, here are 19 reasons why you may be struggling with potty training…
Read this next:
When To Start Potty Training Your Toddler (so it’s MUCH easier for all!)
20 Biggest Potty Training Mistakes To Avoid
EVERYTHING You Need To Prepare Before You Start Potty Training That Will Make It Easier
19 reasons you may be struggling with potty training
1. they’re (or you’re) not ready
There is an optimal time to start potty training. For the easiest potty training experience, start when you are optimally ready.
I’ve potty trained over 20 toddlers, including my own twins, ages ranging from 19 months to 3.5+ years old, here at my Montessori-inspired daycare & preschool, and I’ve found there are 3 KEY things that show optimal readiness for potty training. You can read more about the best time to start potty training, here: When To Start Potty Training Your Toddler (so it’s easier for all!)
Equally important, there are some things you will want to have ready, that will make potty training MUCH easier. You can see all of what you want to prepare, here: EVERYTHING You Will Need In Place For Low Stress Potty Training
2. asking instead of telling
Most toddlers 1) don’t know what it feels like to have to go pee or poop when they first start potty training, so they don’t have the urge awareness to properly answer you if you ask “do you have to go potty?” and 2) most toddlers say ‘no’ a lot.
So, asking them if they have to go is pretty useless when just starting out. However, later, when they have more urge awareness, this question can be answered better by your toddler.
When just starting out, forget asking if they have to go. Doing this will only keep you struggling with potty training. Instead, have set times or intervals when you will go to the potty with them, based off of their potty cues. Do this until they begin to self-initiate.
Telling them might sound something like – “Come on babe, bring your trains, let’s see if any pee or poop has to come out!”
And don’t forget to celebrate them going from unaware to self-initiating, taht is a HUGE step in their learning the potty!
You can see how to do this so you can see more successes sooner, here: The Peaceful Potty Training Method – Potty Training Pro Tips Every First Timer Needs To Know
check out these helpful potty training supplies:
3. not creating a comfortable, calm, controlled space around the potty
When parents come to me on Instagram for potty training advice, I highly encourage them to take a look at their potty set up.
Do you have toys and activities that interest your toddler in the bathroom that will help motivate them to sit and stay sitting for a bit so they can fully release pee and poop when just starting out?
Are you playing near the bathroom or have you set up “potty stations” around the house close to where your toddler will be, so they have a shorter distance to go from point A to point B, so they have less accidents?
There are key things you want to do that will make your space better prepared for this task, so you aren’t feeling overwhelmed and out of control.
You can read all about how to set up your space here: Potty Training Pro Tips Every First Timer Needs To Know
And you can see everything you’ll need to have in place that will make potty training easier, here: Everything You’ll Need Before You Start Potty Training
4. expecting to be done in 2-3 days
Despite all the messages you see online about ‘potty training in 3 days!’ the reality is, most families spend, on average, 3-6 months from start to completion of potty training.
3-6 months! So don’t be fooled. The ‘3 dayer’ toddlers are out there, but they are the minority. (One of my twins was – ripped her diaper off and never looked back, minimal accidents. While the other took a month, lots of accidents, minimal intrinsic motivation to use the potty.)
Ultimately, the best thing for us to do as parents, is go with the flow of our toddlers’ needs and potty cues, ask for support from our childcare providers and chug along to the finish line while keeping the most positive attitude toward their learning process and the potty, as possible.
Instead of setting expectations on what we have heard from others, we tune into our child. Remembering that when or how quickly your toddler potty trains does not define you or them.
With my Peaceful Potty Training Method, most toddlers take on average, 10 days to 1 month to become fully day potty trained.
want to make potty training less stressful?
Check out my peaceful potty training in 10 days ebook – calmer, easier potty training guaranteed
5. not timing trips to the potty off of their potty cues
Many parents wonder, “how often do I remind my toddler to go potty?”
The answer to this questions varies, family to family. You can click the link above to see my in-depth article about the topic.
However, I’d like parents to think of it instead as – ‘how often do I go with my toddler to the potty?’
Because overall, the quickest way to see the most success with the potty early on, is by watching them closely for the first 1-3 days, specifically recognizing their potty cues and when they typically pee or poop, and going with them to the potty around those times until they begin to self-initiate running to the potty.
Observe them for a day or tow and jot some notes.
Most likely, you will find a pattern, and from here, you can create a ‘potty break’ (trips to the potty) schedule for your toddler.
‘Potty breaks‘ are done together – which means you go with them each time and wait while they sit. This can seem daunting but most toddlers need our presence and added support when just starting to potty train.
You will work off of this schedule until they begin to self-initiate going to the potty. Self-initiatiion may take them 2, 7, 10 days. You can help things along by making them aware of their bodies urges, by teaching them some urge awareness.
Check out these helpful potty training supplies:
Want a FREE instant download of The Peaceful Potty Training Cheat Sheet? Drop your name & email below! We never spam.
Everything you need to know to start potty training with more confidence and calm.
6. showing constant frustration and irritation toward them
Your toddler will sense your energy and undoubtedly be affected by or feed off of it. Potty training can be a long road so let’s try and focus on those deep chest breaths to keep calm, self care to reset, and staying positive with a growth mindset (you’re learning vs you’re not doing it right).
This way, our toddler stays positive, believes they can do it, and does it! In their own time, with our support.
I 100% know how frustrating having to change your toddler’s pants for the 5th time in one morning can feel. Remembering that this is part of their learning and not a failure is helpful, especially when you’re struggling with potty training.
We can either clean up those accidents with anger or with calm, that is our choice. And how we act and react will affect our toddler’s behaviors.
I highly encourage all parents to make sure they are optimally ready to potty train before starting, to curb anger and overwhelm. I also recommend being as prepared as possible, to keep it as low stress as possible.
7. not prepping your toddler by talking with them about the act of pottying and how they might feel using the bathroom regularly now
To fully prepare for potty training, it’s best to loop your toddler in on what’s going on.
By letting your toddler help with prepping the bathroom for this new task, you are allowing them the opportunity to get more comfortable with the idea, familiarize with the area and expectations and feel pride in helping.
Doing this will set them up to be more calm, positive, willing and possibly even excited to begin!
Some parents prefer to spring it on their toddler, so they can avoid dealing with big feelings after mentioning potty training. But the truth is, if your toddler is going to have feelings about potty training, and most do, you are going to have to face those throughout the process.
So, help your toddler with their feelings about this transition rather than try to hide from or avoid those feelings. Here is a helpful article on navigating big feelings during potty training: How To Use A Peace Corner To Make Potty Training Your Emotional Toddler Easier
Check out these great sensory, calming tools we use:
Want help preparing for potty training?
Check out my course that covers day and night potty training, and will have you done sooner, with more sanity and less power struggles along the way!
8. wrong attire
My recommendation is, underwear-only on the bottom and a short sleeve tshirt on the top.
Doing it this way has a few key benefits:
-Your toddler gets used to what it feels like to be without a diaper
-They still have some clothes on their bottom to keep things more sanitary, catch some accidents (poo!)
-They get some practice of pulling a single piece of clothing (underwear) up and down, at each potty break (rather than have to struggle with pants AND underwear. That can come later when they get more used to doing all of this new stuff).
-They don’t have long sleeves that will get pee or water from the sink all over them.
Once you see them having less accidents and getting better at pulling their underwear up and down, you can add shorts or pants into the mix. Keep them cozy, with a stretchy waistband to make it easiest.
You can read more about attire and overall potty training prep, here: Potty Training Pro Tips Every First Timer Needs To Know
As for nighttime attire, I say, wait until you see daytime potty training mastery before tackling nighttime potty training, to keep it less stressful. For helpful nighttime potty training tips, you can go here: 5 Nighttime Potty Training Tips For Stressed Moms
Check out these helpful potty training supplies:
Want a FREE instant download of The Peaceful Potty Training Cheat Sheet? Drop your name & email below! We never spam.
Everything you need to know to start potty training with more confidence and calm.
9. inconsistent practice
Practice makes progress! Habits are learned through repetition. With potty training, we are helping our toddlers build a brand new habit and it is not one that brings joy to most, which means it can take longer than say, running to play in the sandbox right when they go outside.
According to Brian King PhD, ‘anything that provides our brain with intense feelings of pleasure is going to be learned faster’. Another reason to keep those interesting activities in the bathroom!
If one day your toddler is ‘interested’ in the potty but the next day they seem to not want to go, help figure out ways to motivate and comfort them so they do go, so they can successfully build the new habit of going to the potty. When you do this, you will get through potty training much quicker, rather than draw it out and stay stuck.
First, determine if they are ready, then prepare your space and dedicate to the process so your toddler can get the consistent practice they need to form a new habit.
I’ve found that for toddlers who don’t self-initiate sitting on the potty right away, they do best when I clear off 1-3 days to fully focus on helping them practice using the potty, all day. From there, they begin to understand their body’s urges and self-initiate.
10. punishing
Punishing is too harsh and often strains the parent-child relationship, creating a negative association toward the potty which can make your child resist using the potty further. Punishing does not motivate nor does it make your toddler feel good. It demotivates and makes them feel bad.
Remember, that in the beginning, most toddlers aren’t in tune with the feeling of having to go, like we are. They have to learn this and all the other aspects of using the potty (timing it right, pulling underwear down, washing hands, etc) and it all can take time. It is not fair to them to punish and it only makes us angry and unloving.
If your toddler is having lots of accidents, this article can help: How To Get Your Toddler To Pee & Poop In The Potty With Less Accidents
Instead of breaking them down for (inevitable) mistakes, spin their accidents as opportunities to teach and remind them, focusing on the fact that they are just beginning to learn how to listen to their body and get to the potty in time:
Instead of, “bad boy! no dessert for you if you pee in your pants again!”
Try, “Uh oh! Pee goes in the potty. Help me clean this up and let’s go sit on the potty to see if anything else has to come out. We need to listen to our bodies so we sit on the potty before pee comes out. After 3 more sits, we can have some dessert.”
Keep practicing self care, adjust your expectations and take deep chest breaths, to keep from exploding at your toddler’s accidents.
Read this next:
20 Biggest Potty Training Mistakes To Avoid
11. forcing or bribing
Forcing really isn’t an option in my opinion. Toddlers are capable humans that need help doing things themselves. Forcing doesn’t help, it creates power struggles and isn’t necessary or fair. The underlying message they learn can be that whoever is forcing them is mean and unloving, and their voice doesn’t matter. No thank you!
As for bribing, many parents believe this is a main part of potty training. They might say, “You get a gummy if you sit on the potty!” The challenge with this is, most toddlers will be motivated only by the gummy. They don’t sit long enough to fully release and aren’t truly learning the process of listening to their body and using the potty in time. They sit only for the gummy. Then, when the gummy loses its appeal, the parents feel at a loss for how to move forward.
Forget the bribes and celebrate them after they take action. For example you could say, “You listened to your body and got some pee in the potty, woohooo!! Look at your pee in the potty! Wow! You did great, let’s go get some gummies to celebrate!”
You can still give the goodies, just use them in a different way – to celebrate, not to motivate. This will work better to keep forward momentum and positivity!
12. not setting up ‘potty stations’ are a temporary play area near the potty
Usually when potty training, the first few days are just a mess. Then, things level out, as your toddler gets more practice in.
During the first few crazy days, instead of chasing your toddler all around the house, trying to run with them across the living room to make it to the bathroom in time, have ‘potty stations’ set up in a few spots you will be in. Or, set up a temporary play area near the bathroom where you will play most of the day for the first 1-3 days.
Doing this will save you and your toddler from a lot of unnecessary frustrations and can shorten their learning curve.
You can read how to properly set up your space so it’s so much easier and more manageable, here: How To Potty Train Like A Pro
want to make potty training less stressful?
Check out my peaceful potty training in 10 days ebook – calmer, easier potty training guaranteed
13. not validating feelings and working past fears
“It’s not scary, it’s just a potty!”
“Oh, you don’t have to go if you don’t want to.”
Instead of saying things like this, try these instead:
“You’re scared huh? New can be scary. I’ll go with you until you’re not scared anymore.”
“You don’t want to go huh? It’s different than peeing in a diaper. I’ll hold your hand until you feel more comfortable, ok? Let’s give it a try.”
Validating what your toddler is saying or expressing can be very comforting and calming for them. Most toddlers can’t yet pinpoint what they are feeling, so naming it and supporting them through it will have you on a smoother path helping them toward familiarizing with and mastering the potty!
Contrary to what many first time parents believe – feelings, fears and pushback are not indicators that your toddler is not ready to potty train. These are instead, common and often inevitable, challenges. They are indicators that your toddler needs some help working through some things before being able to be comfortable with and use the potty.
To learn how you can help them with these things, I encourage you to read these articles:
How To Handle Fear When Potty Training
If My Toddler Always Says ‘No’ Does That Mean They Aren’t Ready
How To Use A Peace Corner To Manage Emotions When Potty Training
14. not clearing calendar for 1-3 days so you can focus on only potty training
These first few days are busy and exhausting and also filled with insight! If you pay attention to your toddler’s cues, habits and words, you will learn a lot about how to help them to the potty in time, how to teach the what it feels like to have to ‘go’, what their fears are, what motivates them, what their biggest challenges are…
Without taking a few days to really focus on your child and the process, you may not recognize these things and continue struggling with potty training each time you approach it.
If you haven’t dedicated 1-3 days to solely potty training, I highly recommend you try. This article can help you make a plan: How To Potty Train Like A Pro – The Peaceful Potty Training Method.
15. expecting them to self-initiate and have a shorter learning curve
Most toddlers will not self-initiate using the potty before mom or dad decides it’s time to start potty training. So long as you’ve checked on readiness, this is usually fine.
Be as prepared as possible and go with your child’s flow. Some toddlers will take a week, others 2 months. So long as you have a manageable plan in place, are letting them practice consistently and working through challenges, your toddler will master the potty, with time.
I understand that a week sounds so much nicer than 2 months, but even if your toddler takes longer, it’s ok. It’s more common that it does take longer (3-6 months is the average timeframe most parents report spending on daytime potty training).
Adjust your expectations, accept your toddler’s learning pace, and you will find more calm and even, joy, in potty training with your toddler. They’ll sense your calm and probably behave differently as well. And soon enough, it’s over! Then it’s in the rear view mirror as a funny story, and your toddler is on to the next milestone in life.
Check out these helpful potty training books:
16. discouraging language
Regularly telling your toddler they are not doing it right, can’t do it, are doing it wrong, is sure to spin you into a web of shared frustration, disappointment and anger.
Try to keep a positive association toward the potty. Speak some truth into them and use a growth mindset to motivate better. For example, you could say, “Ok, you didn’t make it to the potty. Remember, you feel it in your tummy right before it comes out. Run to the potty when you feel it! You can do it! You are learning and getting better everyday we practice!” Instead of, “why do you keep having accidents? We’ve been practicing for 3 days!”
Toddlers who don’t have urge awareness and minimal bladder control, can’t help but have accidents. This will change with practice, your support and you teaching them how to recognize their body’s signals.
Spending some time to recognize what their cues are, helping them be aware of those and then timing ‘potty breaks’ off of any certain schedule they already have will greatly help you see more pees and poops in the potty more often, until they self-initiate.
17. giving up when you get frustrated, toddler gives push back or there are frequent accidents
There is nothing wrong with stopping and starting again later. The things is, you may still have to face the same challenges when you pick it up again.
More often than not, it is not a ‘readiness’ issue, so much as it is a ‘how to overcome my toddler’s challenges’ issue.
To rule out the question of readiness, check these 3 most important readiness signs before you begin.
Then, if you are experiencing challenges you are not sure how to face – seek helpful resources.
Doing this will help you move forward, rather than continue struggling with potty training.
If your toddler is ready, and you have tried and given up, here are some resources I recommend that address common challenges:
18. not comforting and calming
Chances are your toddler is going to have big feelings about you reminding them its ‘potty break time!’ every hour for the first few days. Most struggle with transitions and we are going to be transitioning them all day, essentially.
This is why I love to keep interesting activities in the bathroom. I go off of what each toddler likes and rotate things, as needed (some have loved blowing up balloons together, drawing on a dry erase board, unwrapping puzzle pieces and doing stickers on a construction paper). This makes transitioning from play to the potty much easier for toddlers – because there is something cool to keep them busy in the bathroom while they sit!
Additionally, I swear by the effectiveness of a peace corner to help toddlers learn to self-soothe and reset, when potty training (and any time they are upset!)
And of course, extra cuddles, hugs and deep breaths together, go A LONG WAY to help calm an upset toddler (and us).
When we help keep toddlers comfortable and calm, they behave in more acceptable ways, and potty training is A LOT easier.
Check out these potty training activities toddlers love:
19. seeing accidents as failures instead of learning/teaching opportunities
I like to call it ‘practicing the potty’ more than I like to call it potty training. Because that simple difference in wording really takes the pressure off of us to – feel rushed to ‘finish’, feel disappointed if they have accidents, feel like it isn’t working. It allows us all grace.
When you are struggling with potty training, remember that it’s all about you helping your toddler ‘practice the potty’, seek out helpful resources and make some tweaks until you see better results.
For more potty training support, you can read all my potty training blog posts, here.
And consider signing up for my free Peaceful Potty Training Cheat Sheet, complete with supply list, what to expect and how to prepare.
Follow me on Instagram for tips and to ask questions any time!
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