Help! I Believe My Toddler Is Capable Of Being Potty Trained But They Just Aren't Interested - Low Stress Motherhood

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Question:

Help! I believe my toddler is capable of being potty trained but they just aren’t interested. What can I do? We’ve been trying to potty train for what feels like a full year now.

Answer

This can be the the tricky part, you know – having a sharp, capable toddler who you want to encourage their independence and choice butttt also want to potty train, which calls for compromise and change (both of which are especially difficult for toddlers).

Related Article: When To Start Potty Training Your Toddler (so it’s easier for all!)

And the reality is, if we want to see change in our toddlers, we will have to change our approach. It’s up to us to guide and instill and teach in ways that our particular toddlers are receptive to.

So, I see this a lot – parents who believe their toddler is capable & toddlers who resist using the potty.

There’s a lot of: “do you want to use the potty? Do you have to go?” To which the toddler says: “No. No!”

Potty training is a tricky subject especially when it comes to parents who are trying to follow a child-led parenting approach. How to handle objections and create boundaries can be a grey area between respectful and permissive.

Firstly, with potty training, we never really want ask. (Think of dinnertime, right? You don’t want to ask – “what do you want for dinner babe?” Them: goldfish, cookies, gummies!” Uh, oops! What works better is: “we’re having beef for dinner! You want some rice or noodles with it?! You choose!”

Simple switch in wording, far more effective.

The same idea applies to potty training. So instead of asking – “do you have to go? Do you want to sit and try?” We want to, first:

Know the 3 most important readiness signs, and start at when we have all of those signs.

Take note of any indicators and timing of when they typically pee or poop. (This article will help you recognize common indicators and help teach your child urge awareness: Indicators Your Toddler Is About To Pee or Poop & Teaching Urge Awareness)

Recognize these indicators and tell them what is happening right before they peep or poop, so they can begin to have urge awareness.

Prompt them to go with you to the potty for ‘potty breaks’ for the first 3 days or until they begin to recognize their urges and go on their own. (This article will walk you through how to use potty breaks for the first 3 days of training with my Peaceful Potty Training Method: How To Potty Train Like A Pro – Tips Every First Timer Needs To Know)

And finally, when we prompt them to use the potty with a potty break, we can give them options around the non-negotiable task of sitting and trying. So, for example: “Potty break time! Let’s go together! You want to blow up some balloons together or look up pictures of dinosaurs while you sit?!”

So, again just like dinnertime – the non-negotiable is that we are having beef (sitting on the potty) and their options are to choose rice or noodles to have with the beef (choose what they will do to pass time while they sit on the potty and try to pee or poop).

I have an article that will come in handy for preparing all the supplies you’ll need, the mindset that will help when first starting, and that also walks you through how you can talk to your child about the upcoming change of potty training (it’s a big change! And we want to be sure to give them a heads up. Because when we do, they feel far more comfortable and calm, as they are more aware of what is going on. And toddlers operated best when in the know and calm.) Here it is: EVERYTHING You Will Need In Place For Low Stress Potty Training

So that gives you an idea of how much more peaceful for all, fun for them, organized and controlled for you potty training can be! (Believe me, I’ve potty trained more than 20 toddlers including my own twins! This is the way to go if you want less headache and strain for all.)

Lack of interest in the potty doesn’t matter as much as you think

Ok, so let’s go back to the part where we were talking about your toddler not being ‘interested’ in the potty. Because I know a lot of moms get stuck here. Before they can even entertain the idea of the actual process, they find themselves trying to figure out how to get their toddler ‘interested’ in the potty. Then, before they know it, they have a sharp 3.5 year old who doesn’t want to use the potty…

Here is my take (as a parent who follows an authoritative parenting style and owns a Montessori-inspired Daycare & Preschool): When we talk about our toddler being ‘interested’ in potty training, it’s really more a matter of responsibility than it is interest.

Here’s what I mean… Your toddler can show interest in the potty (one or more times) but not want the responsibility of sitting on it/using it regularly.

Ie:

Am I interested in the new electric toothbrush? Yes! Am interested in brushing my teeth every single time? No. Nonetheless, it is important, so I do it.

Is your toddler interested in grabbing a couple dishes and putting them in the cupboard? Yes! Is your toddler interested every single time, to help you put all of the dishes away? No. Nonetheless, that is how the dishes get done.

Toddlers do not create their own routine or fully make their own decisions because they are not able to consider all of the aspects necessary to do so. It is our job as parents to put them in appropriate settings, effectively convey importance, guide them through challenges and feelings to help them build new habits and form routines.

Otherwise, if it were all up to them, they wouldn’t choose to go to the doctor or preschool or bed, you know? Lol.

So, if from all we observe and know about potty training, we believe they are ready to potty train, there are effective ways to do so, while still respecting the child, being gentle and supportive, all the while setting necessary boundaries (and/or rules) AND letting them have choice and control in the matter (fairness/respectful).

Click here for a FREE Peaceful Potty Training In 10 Days Method Cheat Sheet.

My recommendation in this case is

1. Focus on effectively prepping your child for the change of using the potty

Use boundaries and set rules. Then, within those, allow many opportunities for choice, control and open expression of feelings.

Ie: “This is what we are going to start trying, regularly”.

Trying is not the option BUT trying now or in 2 minutes is. Trying while holding your current toy or while blowing bubbles is. These are examples of choice within your boundaries and rules. Using this approach allows you to move closer to the end goal, while also considering your child’s feelings.

Think of it as – going to bed or getting into the car. Doing or not doing isn’t an option, but how we make them easiest & more enjoyable for our child (so there’s less of a fuss and a fight), is.

And notice that I say ‘trying’. With my Peaceful Potty Training Method, we focus on the action of sitting to start with. We are not actually in control of our toddler’s bodily functions so we do not stress about ‘getting them to go’. That will happen. And it happens sooner, if not forced. We first get into a habit of recognizing cues, practicing sitting, timing those as best we can, then teaching them body awareness and building up the habit from there. Slow, steady, peaceful and highly effective in a shorter amount of time.

Click here to get a FREE Peaceful Potty Training In 10 Days Method Cheat Sheet

2. Communicating with them through the process & allowing them to feel feelings, then move on

Their feelings don’t stop the trying/potty training. For many parents handling feelings other happiness can make them feel like they’re doing it wrong/failing. That’s not true.

There will ALWAYS be feelings during potty training. And while we want to recognize those feelings and comfort them as needed, they do not mean we need to stop potty training.

Just be attentive, responsive & compassionate toward their feelings & you will be following a supportive yet not permissive parenting style. And you will see your toddler learn not only how to use the potty regularly, but also how to appropriately handle their feelings in tough situations beyond potty training. Win win.

The process of potty training truly takes parent-child teamwork because it requires two-way communication (not just mom said so, so do it) and input from both sides (not just, ‘ok you don’t want to, no worries. We’ll try when you want to when you’re 3, 4, 5…?)

Without effective communication plus effort and input from both sides, teams struggle to achieve their goals. The same goes for potty training. And the more you view this as teamwork (as opposed to you versus them/on different sides), you will get to the goal sooner.

Ie:

“It’s totally normal to feel frustrated by something new that isn’t easy. Mommy gets frustrated sometimes, too. Let’s take a couple minute break and will try sitting again in 2 minutes. Let’s go get your monster trucks for now!”

You recognized their feelings, let them feel those feelings, reassured them that what they’re experiencing is normal, gave them some time to unwind, then will try again when they’re not so upset. This helps them feel, understand and overcome, yet keeps everyone moving forward toward the goal.

Helping them move through their feelings is going to help you move forward with potty training.

3. Set up & utilize a Peace Corner to handle feelings

This is a special place they can go to unwind & reset when having feelings about potty training. It is an invaluable tool that every toddler I have worked with has enjoyed using that undeniably helps them (even outside of potty training, toddlers love to go to this space to calm down and reset. I encourage them to use it when they are having a hard time, too. Great tool to help them self-soothe).

Having intentional spaces for toddlers – for play, for calm, for eating – in the home helps them become more independent and feeling in charge of their routines, which translates to overall better behaviors.

Fill with calming & comforting things including a blanket, a plush pillow, a lovey and de-stressing toys.

Click here to read a post about the best items to include and how to use a Peace Corner.

Let your toddler help design and set up the space so they have pride in it and look forward to using it.

4. Set up the bathroom with interesting activities to give them something to look forward to when going to sit & to help them pass time while sitting

Think of the bathroom now as a doctors office waiting room. We need interesting things to help us pass time while we sit & wait to see if anything has to come out. (Side note: that’s all we’re doing for the first couple of days until we understand body awareness & get into the habit of sitting on the potty regularly – ‘sitting & waiting to see if anything has to come out of our body’.)

Related Article: Helpful Potty Training Supplies Other Moms Swear By

Remember, we are not in control of our toddler’s bodily functions. We want to observe and recognize their cues for peeing and pooping. We want to recognize and specific schedule their body is on currently (after eating do they poop? After nap? Before nap? Do they pee often or not so often? Etc…)

Let’s get them in the habit of going into the bathroom regularly, sitting comfortably, waiting comfortably and soon, timing those bathroom sits around when they feel the urge to go.

Just like you will get your phone out or grab a magazine while sitting and waiting in the doctor’s office waiting room, we want to create this opportunity for them in the bathroom.

Some ideas are:

Pour water from one container to another
Look up pictures of animals on mommy’s phone
Skim a book with pictures of real foods or animals
Have a construction paper taped to wall for them to place stickers on or stamps on
Blow up balloons together
Have them practice writing/tracing
Wrap puzzle pieces in tissue paper and have them unwrap and match to puzzle

Pro tip here: The activities you have in the bathroom should be different than any other toys in their play area so there is interest and excitement toward those activities. And rotate as need, depending on interest.

Letting your toddler choose and help set up the bathroom space is always a great idea because it helps get them excited and dedicated.

And don’t worry! You won’t need to help them so much or keep them so entertained once they begin to have more urge awareness and feel more comfortable on the potty. In my experience, depending on the toddler, days 1-3 are spent calming, comforting, prompting, cleaning, entertaining and going together. Then after that, I begin to see them becoming more aware of having to go, less accidents, less need for activities on the potty, more pride in their ability and honing this new skill of using the potty!

So, forget ‘interest’, go for awareness. With your help, they can become aware of what the potty is for and how to use it, aware of how it feels to have to go and become little pros at doing what needs to be done in the bathroom!

I hope this was helpful in preparing your for this milestone. Check out all my Potty Training Posts to be as prepared as possible, for whatever scenario might pop up (fear, constipation, push back, big feelings) and remember – you are doing a great job NO MATTER what age they get potty trained!