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How To Survive Toddler Tantrums During The Holidays
why are holidays so stressful for kids?
Here’s the thing – Thanksgiving and Christmas can be filled with magical moments but, they can also be filled with added stress, too. This is why we are going to talk about how to survive toddler tantrums during the holidays!
all the pressure, lead up, planning, travelling
It can snowball – and not into a cute snowman, but into a not-so-cute-ball of stress within us and our toddlers….
The pressure of getting the perfect gifts and getting all the shopping done.
The added responsibility of hosting friends and family for dinners or extended stays.
Holiday travel and prepping for travelling (and all that needs to be done before travelling).
The anxiety around seeing certain family member and having certain conversations.
The pressure to make the holidays joyful, memorable, hallmark-movie perfect.
Phew!
And all this happens in the months leading up to Thanksgiving and Christmas themselves, so it’s a significant amount of time.
And all this added stress and pressure turns into a vibe. And our toddlers can sense our vibe.
Not only that, but also…
routines are upended
Routines are upended when people come to visit because we might stay longer at the park or stay up later to hang out altogether. And less sleep or a change in routine can mean a change in your toddler’s behavior. An overtired tired toddler can be one of the most difficult things. This is often why toddler tantrums during the holidays are unavoidable.
expectations aren’t the same
Expectations and wants aren’t the same – toddlers live in the moment and don’t see the whole picture. They are unable to consider other points of view at this stage and age. So, when you want to put on that pretty dress so you can get the perfect family holiday photo to send to friends and family, and your toddler fights you, it might be because they want to wear their princess pajamas instead or wanted breakfast first or the dress is scratchy – not because they want to ruin the photoshoot…
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toddler brain development
Toddlers lack self-control because their brain is still under construction. And, depending on your toddler’s temperament (how they innately respond to the world around them), most social situations – or any situation with an expectation like leaving at a certain time, taking turns with a toy, not shoving when mad, leaving one thing and moving on to something else – can be difficult.
This is natural and normal, yet can be very difficult to work with day to day, even to event.
“The part of the brain responsible for exerting control over the emotional, impulsive part is not well developed in children under three. This is why toddlers are much more likely to act on their desires, such as yanking a toy out of a friend’s hand, rather than ask nicely for a turn.” -pbs.org
Understanding why is the first step. Understanding how to work with these seemingly volatile behaviors, is the second step. And never will things always be perfect, calm, not embarrassing and go according to plan or script, BUT we can certainly make things more manageable to survive Thanksgiving with toddlers and Christmas with toddlers, less-scathed.
surviving toddler tantrums during the holidays
Holidays with toddlers comes with toddler tantrums that all of us toddler parents will have to be a part of.
Toddler tantrums are triggered when your child is being overwhelmed by an emotion. Many toddlers don’t yet have all the words to communicate how they are feeling, whether it be frustrated or overly tired, so instead of saying ‘I feel…’ they might scream and cry. Other times, they aren’t getting something they had their heart set on, and feel really upset about it and release that stress by screaming “I want it!”, crying, stomping their feet, hitting…
Toddlers are still learning what all these emotions are, feel like and what to do with them. It can feel like an overwhelming and daunting task to be patient with their brain development and help teach them acceptable ways to manage their feelings, but modeling, reminding and practicing emotional regulations together is truly the best teacher because what they see and experience, soon becomes habit and part of their MO.
1. keep realistic expectations in your mind
Whatever behavior you are dealing with now is likely going to be behavior you will see through the holidays, maybe even amplified because of all the holiday bustle. So, mentally prepare for this now.
Toddlers aren’t little adults. They are toddlers with a brain under construction, with little understanding about their emotions, how to manage them and what is socially acceptable.
Toddlerhood is a time for learning and practice, no matter the setting and how inconvenient the timing is (in the airport, at a dinner party, at the grocery store, when friends are visiting…)
We adults, with adult brains, know more. We are the leaders. So, keep in mind why your toddler is emotional and impulsive (brain development and temperament) and try your best not to feel angry or disappointed about their behavior, and instead prepare yourself, your space and your guests for what to possibly expect.
2. have a ‘reset from tantrum’ plan
- Prioritize my calmness, first – meaning. I hear the sounds they make, it triggers me, so I take a moment to acknowledge my trigger, then approach their chaos with a non-impulsive response.
- Get down to their level
- Validate their feeling, genuinely – You are so upset. You want to keep playing. I know it’s hard to leave when you’re having a great time.
- Give them a heads up before transitioning – We are going to head out in a couple minutes.
- Ask them what they want to do before and after – ‘We’re heading out in 2 minutes, choose what you want to do before we go! Alright, bye bye toys love you. Let’s put them somewhere for next time. What would like to have for a snack when we get into the car?’ Shifting their focus and getting them excited about what’s next will help them feel happy about X rather than stay sad about leaving X.
- Take a couple minutes away, breathe and redirect – I’ve sat with my tantruming toddler in a busy airport to take some bug belly breaths, I’ve stepped to the side with a crying toddler during a library story time to hug and sway them then talk about the behavior, I’ve taken a tantruming toddler outside during a dinner at a restaurant, to get fresh air and look at the stars for a minute. It’s ok if we have to do these things. This is co-regulation that toddlers need and they might need our help at the most inconvenient of times.
Don’t fight the toddler tantrurms – lean into them. This is what some call ‘time in’. Accept the tantrums, flow with them. They aren’t scary or bad or unnatural. They are a call for help and teaching. Find your calm and then help them. I guarantee you will get through the outbursts so much quicker WHILE ALSO teaching them emotional management skills they need. And remember – this is real life. It’s messy, imperfect and natural. Who cares about anyone looking. Be confident and do what you need to do!
Put a ‘reset from tantrum’ plan together, have a couple go-to strategies you can use and depend on, write it down in your notes app if you have to, and use it!
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3. brief visitors about your toddler
Surviving holidays with toddlers can be easier with the help and understanding of the other adults around.
Maybe you have a spirited toddler, maybe your toddler has been extra emotional, maybe bedtime is a real struggle or they have tantrums often – let the people you will be spending extended time with know what’s up.
Doing this will get everyone in the know and on the same page and you won’t feel stressed or anxious just waiting for a toddler tantrum.
You can even ‘call them in’ to help and support you by saying, “hey, Leila has been having a real hard time going to bed while we stay up, like FOMO. Sometimes she will get loud and cry but it’s really important that we don’t shame her for having feelings or label her as ‘bad’ because of the behavior. We’ve learned of the long-term effects this can have and don’t want that for her since it is about brain development and lack of emotional regulation skills rather than a character flaw.”
And, never forcing your toddler to hug, kiss or play with others can help them feel more safe and secure, and avoid crying and tantrums. Most likely, your toddler will warm up and CHOOSE to do those things when they are ready.
4. schedule down time
If you know this holiday season is going to be hectic, try and fit in down time – together and independent, each day.
Many toddlers don’t have the ability to take wind down time when they need it, so we need to prepare the setting and help facilitate it until they can.
This will help curb overwhelming toddler behaviors, ultimately helping you survive toddler tantrums during the holidays with more ease – and most likely even have less toddler tantrums during the holidays!
5. let them be free
Even if your little one loves to be your helper and is a pretty chill toddler, taking them around town from adult task to adult task, waiting and waiting and not allowing the to exert their energy can make for a wound-up, frustrated toddler later or the next day.
To avoid toddler tantrums during the holidays when you can’t help but be busier and need them to come along, just be sure to let them get some wiggles out too. Let them choose, do, have some control and just be their loud, goofy, messy selves for a little bit in between the adult-orderly stuff.
Dance parties, racing around the kitchen island, and pulling all of the pillows off of the couch for a climb and tumble play session can all be excellent ways of letting them exert energy. Ps: moving their body, and the same goes for us, helps toddlers regulate their emotions!
6. get back to your sleep routine for a couple days
Toddler tantrums during the holidays can easily happen when sleep is disrupted. How do you feel the next day at work after a night of little or poor sleep? If everyone has been staying up late to hang out and do things together, which is totally expected and noraml, and you notice your toddler is struggling with tantrums the next day – try and get back to an earlier bed time for a couple days if you can.
This way you and they will have more of a balance of normalcy, mixed in with all the holiday busy-ness and fun.
7. talk to your toddler about what to expect & what to do
Toddlers understand more than most parents think they can, so talking to them – despite the fact that they will need reminders about what we tell them later – will help them know what to expect, so they are less likely to be emotional (surprised, overwhelmed, scared).
8. help them stay busy and quiet with a lollipop
9. recruit someone to be goofy for taking family photos
If your toddler doesn’t want to smile and pose for those family photos (normal lol), instead of promising a goodie after they take a photo, try and round up someone who your child likes, who is good at being silly with them. Have them get your toddler laughing and snap as many pictures as possible!
Conclusion
Lean in to the toddler tantrums during the holidays! Be confident in your ‘reset from tantrum’ plan! Always remember that if your toddler tantrums now and again, IT IS NATURAL, and NOT a sign that you are a ‘bad mom’ pffft!
Don’t worry about others’ opinions about anything, focus on setting up your space, mind and informing guests about your toddler, routine and boundaries. Don’t expect perfection and you’ll be able to have have more fun! laugh, smile – even when the madness is present, and know that THIS IS LIFE – imperfect, messy, filled with happy and hard moments.
Life isn’t a hallmark movie.
For the rest of our lives, we will be dealing with all the emotions – ours and our children’s – around the holidays. Let’s lean in, listen, help, bond deeper and take emotionally-cleansing breaks for ourselves when we can, even if its just for 5-15 minutes!
Happy holidays from this imperfect family to yours!
Xx Poppy
