If My Toddler Always Says ‘No’ Does That Mean They Aren’t Ready For Potty Training?

Not necessarily. A toddler saying ‘no’ is a very common thing that happens during potty training (and in general. More on that in a bit) that most parents see as a sign their child is not ready to start, when in fact, it needs to be viewed as a common and expected challenge to overcome in the steps toward success. 

This is where we as parents of unique little individuals who have their own minds, ideas and preferences, will want to dive into a little creative problem solving to get our toddler on the same team as us. We are a team in this. We have to work together to get this done. And we can be the effective leader, while also being respectful and gentle toward our child’s needs and responses. 

3 Steps To getting Less ‘Nos’ From Toddlers

Toddlers love to say no. It gives them control, and as capable, growing humans with a mind of their own, it’s very natural for them to say it often *especially* when they aren’t given room to make many decisions or do things on their own. 

Let’s think of ‘no’ as the beginning of the conversation, not the end, when it comes to toddler behavior as it pertains to achieving a goal (ie: going to bed, getting into the car, putting on clothes for the day etc.) 

The first step to getting less ‘nos’ from toddlers, in general, is to state things as non-negotiables. So, instead of: “Do you want to put your shoes on now? It’s time to go.” Try saying: “It’s time to put on our shoes!” No question, just a statement. An announcement. **Giving a minute heads up before making the announcement can be very helpful too. For example, “We’re going to put our shoes on in one minute! Finish with your monster trucks vroom!”

The second step is to give them more options and opportunities to make decisions for themselves *within* the non-negotiable. So, instead of: “Do you want to put your shoes on now?” You say, “It’s time to put on our shoes!” You want yellow or rrred!?” Being playful and silly can often lighten the mood, add a splash of fun and help to move things along.

The third step is giving them a heads up about what will be happening next if they don’t follow your directions. What comes next is disciplining. By setting clear boundaries and following through with fair consequences,  toddler learn acceptable ways to behave in different everyday life situations. Toddlers do better with transitions when they know what to expect and research shows that fair discipline creates better behaviors and a strong parent-child bond. So, adding the heads up about what will happen next would look like this: “It’s time to put on our shoes!” You want yellow or red?” You choose or mommy will choose for you.”

All you’re doing in step 3 is teaching them that if they don’t choose their own shoes, you will choose for them. Either way, we are putting shoes on and heading out. By taking this approach, the goal can be achieved calmly and comfortably for all.

It’s expected that they may still say no sometimes or be upset and decide they want to do their shoes themselves after you begin helping them, or they may have days where they’re tired or feel rushed and are upset about the shoes. This is normal human behavior. So much goes into how we feel and act each day. Still, we can help shape future behaviors and get less ‘nos’ by following these steps in any given situation with our toddler, so we are able to more peacefully and smoothly move through our days.

Ok, enough about the shoes. Let’s take a look back at potty training, specifically…

Is it actually a good Time To for you to Start potty training?

#1 They have awareness of their body and interest and/or awareness of the potty. It is more important that they have awareness of the potty – where it is, how it’s used and why we use it, than interest. Because, if you think about your toddler, their attention span with things like toys, foods, books, is very short-lived. Basing potty training readiness on their interest is not an accurate gauge of preparedness.

Likewise, with body awareness, you will have a much quicker turn around time with potty training if your toddler understands when they have to pee or poop/that they are about to pee or poop/that they just peed or pooped.

It is not impossible to teach a child to use the potty if they don’t have this body and potty awareness, it just takes more time and is more of a strain on the parents and caregivers involved. 

You can help your toddler learn awareness by recognizing their pee and poop cues and announcing what is happening as they happen or right after they happen. For example: “You’re squatting and grunting, that means you’re trying to poop. Did you feel it coming in your tummy?” or “You just had a shiver, maybe you went pee. Let’s check, yes! That means you’re peeing.” If you announce regularly, soon they will start to draw these connections and understand, and even repeat what you’re saying.

#2 Effective communication. If you’re able to speak directions and your child follows along correctly, more often than not, the same will most likely occur during potty training. 

Pushback? Power struggles? If you’re able to compromise, redirect, calm, remove and try again calmly when these things happen in various situations (naturally they do), you’ll most likely be able to do the same during potty training.

It’s important to know that effective communication happens when your toddler is willing to receive what you are saying to them. Often times, parents say that their toddler ‘never’ listens to them. Here are some reasons why they might not listen, which means there is not effective communication happening:

-They don’t take what you’re saying seriously. Usually this happens because parents don’t state clear rules and consequence and follow through on those consequences. (Rule and consequence example: “don’t jump on the couch. If you want to jump, put some pillows on the floor and jump on those. I will have to take you off the couch if you jump again.” If they do it again, calmly physically remove them for a couple minutes, remind, then let them try again.) 

Without these rules and consequences, toddlers don’t learn alternate ways of behaving. They learn that they only have to hear you say something (“stop jumping, stop jumping”), rather thanlisten to you and follow specific directions.

It’s also important to note that when you are speaking about a rule or a serious matter that your tone reflects that. You don’t want to make your warning sound playful or light because that can make your toddler receive it as funny or playful, like when you two are playing together. Conveying seriousness with your tone can capture attention and further solidify your rules.

-They’re preoccupied and what you’re saying does not register. Toddlers brains are still developing and growing. They don’t hear and think the way adults do and we have to have the expectation that they cannot. Many times, they’re excited about something, busy building something, or simply not digesting what you are saying. To change this, getting closer, speaking softer and looking them eye to eye can help.

-They’re upset. Sometimes when toddler’s feel a lack of control for being rushed or controlled, or when they experience overwhelm, are overtired or overstimulated, they can go into fussing/crying mode that can turn into tantrum mode that can lead to meltdown mode. And once toddlers are in meltdown mode it’s rarely possible for them to take any new information in. Comfort and calming is priority, then talking, listening and understaning can happen.

Remember that the toddler brain takes a little longer than ours to transition. So, announcing any change that is going to happen a few minutes before it does, can help minimize upset – leaving somewhere, taking a potty break, getting ready for bed, brushing teeth… Really any change can benefit from a heads up.

For example, instead of: “Ok, time to go sit on the potty!” You can try, “Ok, one more minute with the cars zoom zoom then we go take a potty break! You can bring your cars. One more minute.” This gives them time and let’s them know what to expect next AND allows them to bring their toy that they are enjoying. Less drama is likely for this transition when we do it this way rather than – “Ok, let’s go. Come on come on…”

#3 You can prioritize time and energy toward this process. It’s rare that potty training isn’t a tiring process. If you can make it your main priority for 1 week with both time & your energy, you’ll see greater success sooner, than if you just let them sit when they want and have no plan. 

There’s already a ton of constant helping and reminding we have to do with toddlers, potty training adds another layer that can feel all the more constant and exhausting. Clearing time and resources just for this, will keep things low stress for all.

#4 You can prioritize managing toddler feelings and making time for mom self care. If you are already feeling overwhelmed with your current situation – maybe a sleep regression, maybe you have a newborn too, maybe your husband is travelling for work – whatever the cause might be, if you don’t feel that you have a grasp on your current situation, I recommend waiting until you have figured out a manageable routine before you add another responsibility onto your plate that will demand your time, attention, patience and care. 

Often times, if it feels like too much, it is too much. To keep potty training calmer and more low stress for all, you’ll want to feel like you can handle more responsibility and be ready to help your toddler work through feelings PLUS be able to carve in time for your mental health too. Little daily breaks and moments to yourself for recharging and resetting is so important for sustainability. 

What To Expect during potty training

Did you know that the average time for potty training is 3-6 months? Yes, according to kidshealth.org this is the average time frame for full day and night potty training. This is not a 3 day journey. This is not a forced, overnight, magic trick kind of thing. This is two people – one fully developed and one barely developed – working together slowly toward the goal. 3 days is a wonderful foundation-setting time frame, for beginning the process with heightened focus.

So, just keep a mindset that is flexible. Your toddler may be a quick learner and willing to sit regularly or they may be fearful and deal with constipation. You may find yourself frustrated wanting to take a break or getting a lack of support from your childcare provider and partner. 

Whatever the circumstances are, remaining positive, curious, solution-oriented and flexible, will allow you to move through and beyond the challenges you face during potty training. Soon enough, it will be a memory and your toddler will seem so much more grown up! For help with the first 3 days of your potty training plan, see my blog post on pro tips every first time mom should know.

{Related Article: How To Potty Train Like A Pro – The Peaceful Potty Training Method}

The first few days of potty training will be the wildest, most labor-intensive and mentally exhausting. Soon, you will get into a flow that works for both of you and can slowly and steadily make it to the finish line. Dealing with challenges like fear, constipation and push back is common. 

{Related Article: How To Set Up A Peace Corner When Potty Training Your Emotional Toddler} 

Because of these things, and the fact that night time potty training often comes toward the tail end once day time training is mastered, is why potty training can take months. Additionally, some parents begin but don’t quite know how to handle their toddler’s behavior, so they pause until a later date. This can also be why many families take several months to potty train.

{Related Article: Help! I Believe My Toddler Is Capable Of Being Potty Trained But They Just Aren’t Interested}

Tips For Getting Past The ‘Nos’ And To More Willing Participation (how to get your toddler interested in potty training)

Click here for a FREE downloadable starter guide for potty training – The Peaceful Potty Training Method.

I hope this helps you feel more equipped to handle those ‘nos’ and keep moving forward with potty training in a responsive and calm way.