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Montessori Parents
Montessori changes people.
It changed me.
It changes the children I work with.
It amazes parents.
It changes the family dynamic.
Montessori parents around the world have taken inspiration from the invaluable teachings Dr. Maria Montessori used in the classroom to spark creativity, initiative, and self confidence in children, and incorporated her philosophies into their homes, creating more harmonious and less chaotic households and parent-child relationships.
I’m currently reading The Myth Of Normal by Gabor Mate, a gripping book about what we as society accept as ‘health’ and ‘health norms’, and in the same sense that he would like to see more people look at ‘normal health’ differently, I would love for most people to look at ‘normal parenting’ differently, too – seeing Montessori as ‘normal’, rather than different.
I wish Montessori could be our parenting baseline; our mainstream, because it feels so fair, natural, and peaceful.
Less parent guilt, less chaos, less strain and tears.
As the owner of a Montessori-inspired daycare and preschool, working with 0-5 year olds for almost a decade, and mom of twin toddlers who follows the philosophies of Montessori in my home, I am going to share the 16 things that I see Montessori parents do differently.
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Instead of coming from a place of judgement and frustration – ‘why is he like this, I don’t know why he isn’t more calm like his sister and I was when I was a kid’….
Montessori parents come from a place of curiosity and observe their child, as-is, to see what they do, what triggers those actions, and what supports their best self – ‘he seems to get frustrated quickly and need help calming down before he tries again. Maybe practicing puzzles, talking about patience and a growth mindset will help him grow to be more patient and resilient.’
They take notes.
They observe regularly as their child grows.
They research and ask for help,
They try teaching in new and different ways, finding what speaks best to their child.
If you want to try this with your child: Watch your child to see what they do, are drawn to, and how they react to different inputs like interacting with a sibling, their dad, their grandparent, when they’re tired, when they’re hungry, when they’re frustrated.
Take some notes.
Notice what helps them when they are upset and what worsens things.
Recognize your dynamic.
Notice how your child reacts when you speak to them in different ways, how their behavior changes depending on sleep or interactions or activities from the day like school or shows or foods eaten.
Like your own little case study, observing your child and taking notes will enable you to see your child in a different light and get to understand them even deeper, allowing you to support them and communicate with them more effectively, and strengthen your parent-child bond like never before.
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2. They prepare Their Settings
Whether it be transitioning from the infant to the toddler phase, preparing for potty training, having a smooth morning routine, or traveling with toddlers, Montessori parents research and intentionally prepare their settings to consider and support their child’s developmental stage, so that things are as easy as possible for their child and themselves.
This goes for emotional needs, too.
All the favorite games, dolls and snacks on an airplane won’t be much help to a toddler being overwhelmed by a tantrum. What their developing brain needs to move through the moment quicker (and learn from it for future) is validation, comfort, communication, and redirection from a parent projecting calmness and support.
If you want to try this with your child: Consider adding things to your home that enable your child to do more things independently and safely like learning towers for helping in the kitchen and other projects, snack cabinets they can access themselves at designated times you set, and low-hanging hooks for their jackets to hang and grab as needed.
Check out my blog post on all about how you can get started preparing your settings at home: Montessori For The Home – Your Complete Guide To Getting Started Easily
Also consider learning more about how to support your child’s emotional needs in a Montessori aligned way with this easy to read book – The Montessori Toddler.
I recommend this book often. It is so easy to understand and has great, clear examples.
3. They Follow Their Child’s lead
Remember when I said Montessori parents ‘observe their child’?
Well, this is the next step to that.
Montessori parents let their children express themselves and shine for who they are. They let their children enjoy things that interest them, from the beginning, and parents are the supportive coaches along the way – not their child’s boss or puppeteer pushing them to be like anyone or do certain things in life.
Maybe they observe their child constantly ‘on’, who loves to climb, and balance, and spin. That parent might consider getting starter gymnastics supplies for the house like a climbing dome or a balance beam. Or maybe they enroll their child in gymnastics.
Maybe another parent observes their child always wants to stop on their walk to the library to collect a few rocks and feel the flowers. That parent might make time in their routine to always let their child explore rather than tell them to ‘hurry’, ‘let’s go’, or rush away and to the library.
Montessori parents learn more about who their little human is, what they are drawn to, and what they struggle with naturally. They lean into those things, letting their child flourish into themselves, and they support their child in the areas where they need to grow a skill.
If you want to try this with your child: One of the simplest things you can start doing is taking ‘child-led walks’. Children love these, even as young as toddlers. I love these. You really see the wonder and enjoyment in a child’s eyes and expressions when you do these. Very special.
Set out with no agenda and let them go at their own pace and follow their interests in the moment. Let them do their thing and if they engage you, be present with them.
Expand their views and vocabulary, and bond by saying, “do you see that beautiful pink flower over there. I love pink!’, “do you hear that loud noise? That’s a motorcycle, vroom!”, “it’s so nice and warm today and the sky is blue, I love it when it is sunny like this!”
Sprinkling in ‘child-led’ walks into your weekly routine can make so much difference for behaviors, learning and bonding, too!
Once you’ve observed your child and recognize more core things about them, you will be able to follow their lead with how they learn best, listen best, cooperate best, what they are interested in and good at, and what they need more practice and support with.
When you follow your child’s lead, you are building their self-confidence, and a stronger parent-child relationship. You are also helping your child be more in tune with themselves – strengths, interests, talents – as they grow. SO important!
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4. They Give Their children Freedom Within Limits
You might have heard about ‘yes spaces’, giving your child ‘freedom within limits’ is basically that.
Montessori parents prepare their settings to be safe and engaging, depending on their child’s interests, they set the boundaries and a fair consequence if those boundaries are broken, and otherwise, their child is free to do and be, within those boundaries.
For example, a child might be free to choose their own cups, bowls, utensils, and snacks throughout the day, at the designated snack time, from a snack cabinet with a variety of well-rounded snacks that their parents have stocked.
A rule they might set and enforce is that their child must wait for snack time to grab 2-3 snacks. If they don’t wait for snack time and are grazing all day, then mom or dad will choose the snack for them instead of let them do it themselves.
For many children, even toddlers, being in control and having choice is a powerful motivator, it’s a natural desire they have.
Another example would be parents setting up a few ‘climbing-safe’ toys in their toddler’s playroom if they notice their child loves to climb on things. And then, if they see their toddler climbing on a chair or counter, they can redirect them to the climbing-safe toys instead.
Yet another example of Montessori parents giving their children freedom within limits would be parents letting their child choose how to use a toy.
Maybe their child wants to dump out all the blocks before using them, or wants to stack the train tracks instead of connect them. Montessori parents let their children do and explore without correcting them unless they are being destructive, dangerous, or disrespectful.
They respect their interests, independence, and unique learning processes.
If you want to try this with your child: keep the phrase ‘freedom within limits’ in your mind whenever you are with your child. Think of how you can create freedom within limits in each setting you’re in.
Some examples could be:
- Allowing your child to choose their own quiet time activities. As long as they are quiet, your child can choose 3-5 things to do.
- Setting a time limit for screen time or video game usage, and allowing your child to choose which games they play within that time frame.
- Encouraging your child to express themselves openly and creatively, but within the limits of appropriate language and behavior.
- Letting your child make their own decisions about what to wear and what to eat, within the limits of clothing that is appropriate for the weather and occasion, and foods that you provide/allow in the home.
5. They Let Their children Try & Discover Without Intervening
This branches off of the above, ‘freedom within limits’.
It applies more to situations like when a child wants to try a food their parents don’t believe they’d like or correcting how their child holds the pencil when they begin learning how to write.
Montessori parents don’t hover and control their children’s moves or thoughts, they let their child take the lead in their learning journey and model, suggest, and ask questions instead.
For example, if a child says they want a new kind of sandwich, a Montessori parent wouldn’t say, “Oh, you won’t like that, honey.”
Instead, they might say, “Ok, something new. That’s exciting! This sandwich has brown meat instead of white, mustard that is sour like a pickle, and white cheese instead of yellow. You ready to order it?”
The parent has described the differences and is allowing their child to make their own informed decision.
From there, the child gets to exercise their curiosity, make their own choice, and then decide if they like the sandwich or not.
Supporting a child’s curiosity and independence helps them expand themselves, and learn lessons actively. It also brings them closer to that parent.
Another example is, if a child wants to climb a new climbing pole at the park but is a little unsure of how, a Montessori parent might suggest “you can put your foot here and push yourself up to the next handle”, but they wouldn’t command them on how to climb it.
They’d allow their child to listen to their body, think, go slow, and offer them some suggestions.
The thing is, the way the parent might see climbing it, might feel scary or unmanageable for the child, and they may need to do it differently.
Giving them ideas, time and space to figure out their body and what is comfortable for them, is key.
Montessori parents respect and trust that their child can tune into themselves and know best how to learn and do things, in a way that feels right to them, more so than we as parents can ever guess.
Active learners with a supportive, nurturing, and loving guide!
There’s no right or wrong way, just the way that they can do it.
If you want to try this with your child: Ask more questions and instruct less.
Some things you can say are:
- How can you climb to the top of this safely?
- What’s your idea for building this?
- This keeps falling down, what will help it stay up and not fall?
- Just in case you discover you don’t care for this new food, what’s something you know for sure you like that we can grab too, so you aren’t hungry?
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6. They Understand Sensitive Periods
In Montessori, sensitive periods refer to windows of opportunity when a child’s mind is particularly receptive to certain types of learning.
These periods are important as they allow children to naturally and effortlessly acquire new skills and knowledge.
Montessori parents are aware of these sensitive periods and they prepare themselves and their settings for them.
Sensitive periods can occur at different ages and for different skills, such as language, movement, and socialization.
The sensitive periods vary in length and occur at different ages, but some of the most common ones are:
- Sensitivity to order (ages 1-3)
- Sensitivity to small objects and details (ages 2-4)
- Sensitivity to language (ages 0-6)
- Sensitivity to movement (ages 0-4)
- Sensitivity to social interaction (ages 2-4)
It’s important to note that every child is unique and may experience sensitive periods at slightly different ages.
Montessori parents observe and identify these periods to provide appropriate activities and materials that can help maximize learning potential.
By taking advantage of these sensitive periods, children can develop a strong foundation for future learning and growth.
To know if your child is experiencing a sensitive period, you can go off the age ranges given above and look for behaviors of mimicking, intense concentration, regularly repeated behaviors, and heightened curiosity.
If you want to try this with your child: Observe your child, paying special attention to their behaviors as they play and interact with others.
Additionally, familiarize yourself more with how to set up your space, play materials, and language to support their heightened state of learning. The Montessori Toddler is an excellent book to help you do this.
7. They Respect Their Child
Montessori parents don’t do things like:
- Trick their toddlers into eating foods
- Say, “Because I said so!”
- Force them to share or hug or eat
- Spank
- Say, “Good for you, you should have listened to me!”
- Shame
- Name Call/Label
Because they respect their child as a whole little person, with feelings, who is constantly absorbing, learning, and evolving.
Montessori parents treat their children how they themselves would want to be treated.
Their ultimate goal is always connectedness, respect, love, compassion and kindness.
They communicate, explain things, answer questions honestly, and know that their words greatly shape the mind and self-perception of their child.
If a child complains about their socks being itchy or bothering them, a Montessori parent will tap into their compassion and understanding, and help the child find other socks, not force them to wear the ones they say are uncomfortable.
Would you want someone bigger to force you to wear uncomfortable clothes? How would that make you feel about that person?
If a child isn’t eating, a Montessori parent does not shame them, “Mom worked really hard to cook this, you better eat!” nor do they leave them at the table until they finish eating.
Instead, they tap into their desire to remain connected and show love to their child, despite the unideal situation. They might say, “How are you feeling, babe? We will leave this on the table for when you feel hungry. This is what’s for dinner tonight. Can you find something on your plate you love or grab your favorite dip?”
Montessori parents know that they can be both a rule-setter and rule-enforcer while also being kind and loving, at the same time.
For mealtimes – t’s a great rule of thumb to serve 1-2 things you know your child likes with each meal. This way they are able to recognize something they like on their plate, making them less likely to feel freaked out by the meal, and more likely to eat and enjoy.
If you want to try this with your child: Consider your child’s point of view.
‘Why didn’t he listen to me? I said he was going to fall!’ Maybe because he’s inexperienced with falling, felt confident, and was having lots of fun.
- Stay curious, keep learning
- Don’t make it about you
- Make it about them
He was listening to himself more than any outside influence.
He now knows a little more about his body’s limits. He learned a natural consequence, too – ‘if I climb a wobbly chair, it will fall over and I can get hurt.’
We adults are aware of the scenarios that could play out, children often are not.
So, we can give them freedom within limits to learn.
Another thing to do is, consider how you would feel in the situation they are in. Do you want to be tricked? Hit? Given rules with no explanation?
It doesn’t feel good and doesn’t make you feel happy toward the person imposing those things on you, right?
Considering your child’s unique disposition and their feelings can be a great way to shift to a more Montessori-aligned style of communication and discipline that centers around respect.
Related: 4 Best Ways To Introduce The Potty
8. They discipline fairly using Natural and Logical consequences
Montessori parents don’t use spanking, time outs, yelling, withholding of love or ipads or routines, shaming or anger to ‘discipline’ their children.
They don’t see discipline as a time to punish or scold, at all. Instead, they see it as a time to connect, communicate, bring awareness, and teach.
A key piece of following a Montessori approach at home is for the parents to prioritize their mental, physical, and spiritual well-being so that they can more often, come from a place of calmness, when handling tough situation with their children.
Montessori parents use natural and logical consequences, and they bring awareness to their child’s choices and behaviors.
A natural consequence is an outcome that occurs as a result of a person’s actions or behavior, without any intervention or punishment from others. It is a way for children to learn from their own mistakes and make better choices in the future.
For example, a natural consequence of not wearing a jacket is being cold. Or, a child taking off their shoes on the hot sand, means their feet will get burned.
A logical consequence is decided by a person (usually a parent, caregeiver, or the child), and is directly related to the unwanted action.
For example, a logical consequence to throwing food on the floor would be that the child picks it up. The parent might then ask if the child is done eating, because it looks like they are ready to play. They might remind, ‘food stays on the plate.’
All in a calm, matter of fact way, without letting emotions get out of control.
If the child is a baby, the parent might teach them how to use sign language to say “all done”.
Another example of a logical consequence is if a child hits with a toy, they toy has to be taken away until they are ready to use without hitting.
The parent might say, “hitting is dangerous and hurts, it’s not ok to hit. You can shake the toy or roll it like this. Are you ready to play with this toy in a different way?
If you want to try this with your child: Write down a few things that you are regularly disciplining your child for. Now, right down 2 logical consequences you can try to use for each scenario.
Remember, keep it directly to the unwanted behavior, and fair.
Young children especially learn best when they can draw a connection between action and consequence. So, immediate and related is key.
Taking a few deep ‘voo breaths’ will help keep you calm and thinking rationally rather than emotionally when disciplining.
I love voo breathing and have even taught my twins and my Playschool children how to use it so they can respond less impulsively to things.
As for using natural consequences, it is more about just letting those happen when safe and possible. Then, bringing awareness to your child about their decision.
For example, if your child said ‘no’ when you told them to grab their jacket because it was going to be chilly at the movie, you might bring the jacket just in case and bring awareness by saying, ‘see it’s chilly huh? Next time grab your jacket just in case.’
Something like this helps them become aware of their decision and the outcome.
When it comes to trying to change behaviors remember, taking away your child’s ipad because they hit their little sister is not going to be an effective way to change behavior and foster a good sibling or parent-child bond.
Instead, see how you can address the action and use a fair, immediate and directly-related consequence, like separating them from their sister until they are ready to play gently.
9. They Regularly praise their child’s efforts and progress
Have you heard of a growth mindset? Because Montessori parents are all about it…
A growth mindset is the belief that one’s abilities and intelligence can be developed through hard work, dedication, and perseverance.
It is the opposite of a fixed mindset, which views abilities and intelligence as innate and unchangeable traits.
Instead of ‘bad boy!’ a Montessori parent might say, “Hitting is not nice and it hurts. We play nicely and don’t hurt people. Like this, gentle hands. Good. Let’s practice playing with gentle hands.’
In this example, the child isn’t labeled as ‘bad’, to which they will grow to believe they are bad and often live up to that label. Instead, he is shown how to place nicely and encouraged to practice, with the belief that with time and practice, he will play nicely regularly.
Then, whenever their child is playing nicely, that parent would make it a point to recognize them and reinforce that positive behavior. “Look at you! Playing so nicely! You are such a fun and kind friend!”
Many parents find that when they shift their focus from correcting the unwanted behavior to praising the wanted behavior, they realize that their child does in fact behave so so well a LOT of the time!
This type of praise builds the parent-child bond, lifts a child up, and encourages more of the behavior!
I’m all about praising progress, “wow, look at you! You made it to the next handle on the monkey bars!” instead of just the end result, “good job, you did all the monkey bars!”, because end results come from small progress over time that so many of us don’t bring recognition to.
That type of recognition and encouragement along the way can propel children forward, and keep them from feeling like a failure while they are trying to get to the end goal.
If you want to try this with your child: Make it a goal to praise their efforts, their energy, their thoughtfulness, their silliness, their kindness, their improvements, their talents, their love toward a sibling, their empathy, their strengths…
Yes, we must teach appropriate behaviors, but let’s not forget to recognize and celebrate our children and their actions even more!
- If you’re potty training, you can maintain a growth mindset by saying, “This is a challenge. You’re still learning. Let’s keep trying.”
- If your child is learning their letters and still mixing some up, you can say, “You know so many! You’re getting better and better each day. You should be proud! I’m proud of you. Practice makes progress!”
- If your child is struggling with some school work, you can say, “Everyone struggles with different things. Maybe we just need to look at it a different way than we are. What’s the hard part for you? Show me.”
The world is so much brighter and warmer a place with a growth mindset.
We feel better about ourselves and give a better version of ourselves to the world.
I love when I hear parents genuinely using growth mindset encouragement with their children. I can absolutely see the difference it makes to those children and it is beautiful.
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10. They Build Their Child’s Emotional Intelligence
Montessori parents know that emotions come built in but, how to recognize and manage them, does not.
It is a skill set that is learned and honed, just like learning letters, languages, and managing relationships.
They also know that emotions drive behaviors.
So, just as they help their child learn their ABC’s and how to ‘play nicely’, Montessori parents help their children identify and understand emotions in themselves and others, name their feelings, communicate needs, and take control of their reactions, from toddlerhood using books, songs, activities, and narrating their child’s behaviors through the day.
You can see my blog post 11 Simple Emotions Activities For Preschoolers for more ideas on how to support your child’s social intelligence.
Not many parents know that from the very beginning, our babies have built-in temperaments, which greatly defines how they will emotionally experience life.
There are 3 main types of temperaments:
- Easy going (self explanatory)
- Slow-to-warm (more timid, quiet, often needs additional parent/caregiver support during transitions or new situations)
- Challenging (experiences emotions more intensely, more independent and autonomous, change without warning can be difficult)
This is where nurture vs nature comes in for building those emotion management skills.
No matter a child’s temperament, we can nurture emotional intelligence, and help our children cope with stress and big feelings in safe and healthy ways, such as voo breathing that soothes the vagus nerve, discussing feelings and ideas for managing our reactions, and redirecting physical behaviors to keep everyone safe.
Some children are harder to work with, but the work is necessary.
“If a child can’t learn the way we teach, maybe we should teach the way they learn.” -Ignacio Estrada
The skills they build now will be the foundation for emotional intelligence as they grow.
If you want to try this with your child: Prepare your setting with some books and songs that you can use in your daily routine at story time or bed time.
- My First Book Of Emotions For Toddlers is a great start for talking about emotions and how they feel in our body when they’re happening.
- Emotions Coloring Book For Kids is an excellent coloring activity for emotional awareness that also explains when emotions might happen.
- Sing-A-Long Songs For Social Emotional Learning Book is a wonderful book of social-emotional learning songs like ‘Gentle Hands’ to tunes children already know like Frere Jacques.
Another thing you can do is observe your child and narrate what might be happening, then give direction, using the ‘what you feel, what you want’ method, as I call it.
For example, you might notice your child usually gets frustrated with their zipper and then screams. You can say, “you are getting frustrated trying to zip that up. You can say ‘I’m feeling frustrated, can you help me mom’. Say what you feel and what you want.”
This teaches your child how to communicate their needs through words instead of sounds, and it connects their actions to a feeling, while keeping emotions safe to have.
Many parents unintentionally try to stop the emotion, which can worsen how a child feels, make them resent the parent, and alienate them from understanding their own feelings and how to manage them.
Helping your child identify feelings, communicate, and de-stress is one of the best gifts you can give them in life, truly.
Lastly, I highly encourage all families to have a peace corner in their home.
Seeing parents manage stress in healthy ways and repair after explosive moments is a HUGE piece of a child learning emotional intelligence, too.
Lead by example, as they say.
11. They Model the Behaviors They Ask Of Their Child
Montessori parents:
- Say please
- Say thank you
- Compliment
- Apologize
- Repair
- Wait patiently
- Admit when they aren’t right
- Talk about their own feelings
- Pause and re-start if they don’t like what they said to their child
They are not of the “I’m big, you’re small” or the “they won’t remember” parenting mindset.
They regard their child as a whole human always, and know that every interaction matters.
They set a solid example of how to treat others, treat themselves, own their mistakes, and are a positive influence in their child’s life.
Montessori parents don’t yell at their children to stop yelling.
They don’t spank their child for hitting their sibling.
And, if they do yell. They feel remorse and act on that feeling by apologizing and repairing with their child, “I’m sorry honey. Mom is so stressed right now. It is not ok for me to yell at you when I;m stressed. I know that makes you feel sad. I’ll try not to next time.”
Sometimes, Montessori parents might catch themselves reacting impulsively to their child’s behavior. In this case, they might pause and say they need a break before they can address the situation – “mom is feeling very upset. I need a few minutes to de-stress before I can talk without yelling.
These are healthy habits for healthier relationships.
If you want to try this with your child: Make it a conscious daily effort to treat your child how you want to be treated.
Apologize, admit when you are wrong, repair with them, talk about your feelings and how you handle them in healthy ways, compliment your child.
Additionally, if you don’t already have some go-to stress relieving practices, get some.
Focus on your boundaries and self-care, including physical, mental, and soul care.
Giving yourself your all will allow you to more peacefully give to your children.
Another key thing is to communicate needs to your partner and child regularly.
For example, you might say to your child – “Mommy needs 10 minutes of quiet. I’m going to drink my coffee outside, you can build a castle with the blocks or watch a show while I do.”
Or, you might say to your spouse – “I have been feeling really overwhelmed by the end of the day. Can you handle dinners this week so I can go for a run instead of cook?”
Feeling seen, heard, and supported is so soothing.
Taking a few minutes of quiet to yourself throughout each day, going for a daily walk, going out for tea with a friend, taking up a hobby, and taking trips/outings sans-kids often, can all be part of your overall self-care routine to maintain more balance in your life.
When we have more balance and fulfillment in our lives, we are more able to handle our children from a less frustrated state.
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12. They prioritize taking care of themselves too
Montessori parents believe it is crucial that they prioritize their own well being, including:
- Mental wellness
- Physical wellness
- Spiritual wellness
Montessori education emphasizes the importance of parents taking care of themselves in order to better support their children’s development.
Montessori encourages parents to prioritize self-care activities such as exercise, rest, and pursuing personal interests in order to lead a balanced and healthy lifestyle.
Only 3, almost 4 years after having my twins, have I realized that I am just beginning to give myself my ‘all’, in all these aspects.
I know it can be a challenge. I also know how different it feels to parent, and live as a parent, from this place.
Montessori parents know they aren’t perfect, so it is never a goal or pressure to be.
The goal is to be balanced, as best and often as possible.
And they know that that takes a conscious effort and prepared settings to do so.
If you want to do this with your child:
- Talk nicely to yourself and about yourself
- Love and celebrate yourself regularly
- Find an exercise routine that makes you feel alive and energized
- Make time for hobbies regularly
- Do events and trips without your children regularly
- Connect with others who share your passion or interests
- Have some go-to de-stressing rituals
- Clear the mind and rest
- Avoid trying to be perfect
- Tune out social pressures and tune into yourself and your child instead
If you don’t already have some go-to stress relieving practices, get some.
Focus on your boundaries and self-care, including physical, mental, and soul care.
Giving yourself your all will allow you to more peacefully give to your children.
Another key thing is to communicate needs to your partner and child regularly.
For example, you might say to your child – “Mommy needs 10 minutes of quiet. I’m going to drink my coffee outside, you can build a castle with the blocks or watch a show while I do.”
Or, you might say to your spouse – “I have been feeling really overwhelmed by the end of the day. Can you handle dinners this week so I can go for a run instead of cook?”
Feeling seen, heard, and supported is so soothing.
Taking a few minutes of quiet to yourself throughout each day, going for a daily walk, going out for tea with a friend, taking up a hobby, and taking trips/outings sans-kids often, can all be part of your overall self-care routine to maintain more balance in your life.
When we have more balance and fulfillment in our lives, we are more able to handle our children from a less frustrated state.
You deserve to give yourself the best.
13. They help their child do for themselves
Montessori parents encourage their child to try doing things on their own before they assist.
They might help by guiding them through some steps with words, but they don’t rush to do it for their child because it’s ‘quicker’ or ‘easier.’
Montessori parents respect that learning is about doing, practicing, and overcoming challenges.
They understand that with learning comes emotions.
They also know that most children desire control, choice, and autonomy.
For example, if a child is struggling to put on their shoe, instead of just putting it on for them, the parent might say – “you’re feeling frustrated huh? Deep breath. Let’s try taking it off and slipping your toes in first.”
This teaches them how to do it for themselves more easily and how to manage their frustration and be resilient.
Another example might be, if a child is practicing writing their name and they say “I can’t do it!”
The parent might say – “letters can be tricky to write when you are first learning. Keep practicing and you will get better and better! Maybe take a break for a bit if you are feeling frustrated.”
For older children, parents might ask their child to think of2-3 ideas for overcoming the challenge at hand.
This helps children problem solve and persevere, despite inevitable struggles.
It gives them a sense of pride, accomplishment, and belonging!
If you want to try this with your child: Give them space to try things on their own, even if they struggle a bit. Encourage their efforts and guide a little with your words before jumping in.
Some instances where you can let your child try on their own might be:
- Putting on clothes
- Putting shoes on
- Putting socks on
- Taking clothes off for bath time
- Turning the water on to wash their hands
- Peeling their own banana or orange
- Figuring out a toy
- Practicing writing letters
- Practicing drawing shapes
- Buckling their seatbelts
- Pouring water or snacks into a cup
This is great practice for patience, resiliency, and life skills!
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14. They act as coaches or guides, not bosses or dictators
Montessori parents follow their child’s lead, rather than impose who they want them to be onto their child.
They also recognize when there is push back from their child, and consider other ways of approaching situations to minimize the ‘me vs them’ parenting mentality.
This is not to say that they don’t experience push back in their daily routine.
Often times though, there is far less push back because Montessori parents collaborate with their child.
They’re flexible.
They try new things and grow in their parenting skills.
They’re also stern and loving, at the same time.
The book, The Montessori Toddler, gives great examples of how to discipline and communicate collaboratively.
Instead of force, Montessori parents might take a step back and think about how they can teach their child, in a different way, that speaks better to them.
“If a child can’t learn the way we teach, maybe we should teach the way they learn.” Ignacio Estrada
For example, maybe the goal is to get into bed. It is bed time and the child says, ‘no!’.
A Montessori parent might say – “It’s bed time now, would you like to do rocket ship to bed or race to your room?” Rather than, “if you don’t go to bed now, no ipad tomorrow!”
If the child still says ‘no’, they might ask – “how would you like to get to bed then? It’s time to go now. If you don’t decide, mommy will have to carry you. What’s your idea?”
Fair, collaborative, includes the child and gets them involved, and uses a logical consequence (mom carrying child to bed).
Likewise, Montessori parents avoid barking orders and following the ‘my way or the highway’ mentality.
They allow their children to do things in their own way, whether it be play with a toy a certain way or choose the extracurricular activities they want to participate in.
Montessori parents truly seek to allow their child to blossom into themselves, rather than become what they’ve envisioned for them.
Maybe the child likes to play with the slip n slide differently than it was intended, that’s ok! As long as they’re safe, not being destructive, and having fun. This is a great way to let the child exercise creativity and imagination.
Montessori parents make sure their children have lots of yes spaces and freedom within limits to be themselves, be comfortable, and enjoy life.
Forcing is not used.
Forcing to eat.
Forcing to hug.
Forcing to sit.
Forcing to share.
Forcing to stay in their room.
Forcing suppresses people, creates anger, resentment, and anguish.
Montessori parents seek cooperation through collaboration and communication, and show compassion when a child must do something hard like go to the doctor for a shot or go to school when they want to stay home.
They prioritize connectedness, love, and respect, over blind obedience.
We humans are not meant to be blindly obedient, we are meant to be ourselves, living freely within limits that keep the world fair and safe for everyone.
If you want to try this with your child: View them as their own person, completely separate from you, and practice collaborating.
Some things you can collaborate on are:
- asking how they want to say goodbye at school if they are feeling sad
- asking what will make bed time easier for them
- asking what they want with dinner (let your child choose 1-2 sides with dinner or dips)
- letting them brush their teeth themselves first, then you double check to make sure everything is clean
- letting them try opening the car door before you open it
- going to them when you are talking to them instead of expecting them to always come to you
- letting them choose their own snacks at snack time
- letting them choose the color plates and cups they want their dinner to be served on
- allowing them to show you how they want to play or use things, rather than you telling them how or correcting them
- identifying and nurturing their natural talents and interests
15. They Don’t Judge Or Label
Did you know that the words we say to our children and about them in the presence of others, is what they grow to believe about themselves?
Yes, our words will have lasting repercussions with how our children feel about themselves and thrive – or struggle – in their lives.
Because they respect their children and know that their words can uplift or break their children, Montessori parents avoid labels, judgements, comparisons, and degrading comments like:
- Bad boy!
- What is wrong with you?!
- You never listen!
- Why can’t you be more like your brother?!
- She’s always so stubborn and defiant!
- He never listens to me!
- It’s impossible to teach him anything!
Montessori parents know that words like these cut like a knife, damage their relationship, and make a lifelong impression.
All humans just want to be accepted, seen, loved, and supported, and Montessori parents take this responsibility seriously with their children.
If you want to try this with your child: Speak to them how you would want to be spoken to.
Envision yourself as a child making a mistake or struggling with a behavior, how would you want your parent to support you? Talk to you? Talk about you?
Remember, feelings drive actions.
When we feel good, we behave very differently.
Same goes for children.
Throw out labeling altogether.
Every time you want to label or judge or criticize or compare your child, stop for a moment and think about how it felt for you to be labeled, judged, criticized, or compared.
Think about how you felt toward the person who said it.
As often as possible, push yourself to identify 1-2 wonderful things about your child – their thoughtfulness, their silliness, their leadership skills, their creativity, their perseverance, their kindness….
This way, you are focusing on their goodness, not just their unwanted behaviors. And you’ll feel less frustrated with them and less compelled to label, judge, criticize, and compare.
It’s incredible what doing this one perspective shift can do!
The relationship you have with your child will change and feel so different, I guarantee you!
16. They Don’t Do Timeouts, They De-escalate together Instead
In mainstream parenting, timeouts are a go-to tool.
But Montessori parents don’t use them because they know that young children aren’t able to relgulate their own emotions until closer to 8 years old.
Even still, emotions are hard to handle.
Many adults struggle with their emotions.
Have you heard of co-regulation.
Co-regulation is a necessary part of parenting children AND it works far better than timeouts.
When a calm nervous system sits and breathes with another, it is literally like their calmness is contagious.
Using co-regulation instead of timeouts, keeps you and your child connected, helps them calm down quicker, and allows you to teach lessons more effectively/them to listen more effectively.
Are able to hear and think clearly when you are raging?
No.
Are you able to think and listen more clearly when you are calm?
100%.
Timeouts often miss those marks because they are done with anger, yelling, and lack effective communication, meaning the child usually doesn’t learn much except that they are sent away when their parent is mad, they are confused about their feelings, and have no one to help of comfort them through this hard time.
With tantrums for instance, toddlers are having a hard time not trying to give you a hard time.
Montessori parents are aware that the toddler brain is developing and impulsivity and big feelings can be developmentally normal, so co-regulation is part of the job.
If you want to try this with your child: Focus on their feeling first, breathe together to co-regulate, then talk about their behavior.
And remember, sometimes your child will still cry or be upset about a rule or boundary you set.
It’s ok to be mad.
We can’t avoid our children being mad.
What we can avoid is exploding when they are mad.
Here’s an example of how to focus on their feelings, breathe together to co-regulate, and then talk about behaviors:
“You’re feeling so upset at your brother, that’s why you threw your toy. Come here (pick them up or bend down and hug them and take 2 big deep chest breaths together). It’s not ok to throw your toys. That’s dangerous and could break things. If you feel yourself get so mad at your brother you can tell him how you feel and what you need – I feel mad, I need to take my toys and play somewhere else. If that doesn’t work, you can come ask mom for help, ok? Let’s try again. Let’s practice.”
I love to add “let’s try again” and “let’s practice” onto the end because that holds them accountable for a change of action after I’ve explained what is ok and not ok.
It works very well in the moment, helps shape future behavior, and feels fair.
We can discipline our children without yelling, raging, saying mean things…
Children learn better this way AND our relationship with our child feels so much better.
What Is Montessori Parenting?
Montessori parenting is an approach to parenting that is based on the teachings of Maria Montessori, an Italian physician and educator.
It emphasizes independence, respect for the child, and following each child’s natural development.
It involves providing a prepared environment that allows the child to explore and learn at their own pace, and using positive guidance and discipline techniques.
In Montessori parenting, each child will naturally shape the parent into who they need to be for that specific child’s emotional, physical, and mental needs.
It’s the idea of – this is who my child needs me to be, not this is the type of mom I envisioned I’d be.
Montessori parents believe their role as a parent is the most important and influential role in their child’s development.
They drown out the mainstream parenting noise and pressures, and learn to tune into their child.
They seek support through books and the like, to prepare themselves and their settings.
Montessori parenting is not about perfection, but about balance, consciousness, and fairness, so that the home can be a safe place, a comforting place, an accepting place, a connected place, a supportive place, not a battleground.
What Is The Role Of Montessori Parents?
The role of Montessori parents is to support and encourage their children’s independence, self-discipline, confidence, and love for learning.
They see their parenting role as a coach, a guide, or a mentor.
They also play an active role in creating a prepared environment at home that fosters exploration, discovery, creativity, emotional support, and positive observational learning.
Additionally, Montessori parents collaborate with their child’s teachers to ensure a consistent approach to education and to support each of their child’s unique growth and development.
What Did Montessori Say About Parents?
Maria Montessori believed that parents play a critical role in their child’s development.
She encouraged parents to observe each of their children, understand their unique needs, and create a supportive environment that fosters their growth and independence in a positive atmosphere.
Montessori also emphasized the importance of respecting the child’s natural pace of development and providing opportunities for them to learn through hands-on experiences.
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Is Montessori Permissive Parenting?
Montessori parenting is not permissive.
Permissive parents don’t create limits, Montessori parents do.
Remember we talked about how Montessori parents use “freedom WITHIN limits”?
Montessori parenting is parenting without the chaos and rage – that’s how I describe it.
Permissive parents probably don’t address behaviors or communicate what is right and wrong, nor do they enforce any rules or have any consequences.
Many parents are confused about whether Montessori is permissive most likely because Montessori parents “let their child lead”, but this is referring to their child’s learning and interests not their behaviors.
With Montessori parents, all feelings are allowed, not all behaviors are.
With permissive parents, all feelings and behaviors are usually allowed.
Permissive parents might not say “no” to their child when they ask for the whole bag of candy, and they probably won’t say or do anything if the child hits their sister.
Furthermore, they probably would do nothing if the child spits or hits the parent or another child.
Montessori parents on the other hand, might create the limit of choosing 2 candies (freedom within limits) and might have their child play separately until she is ready to play without hitting/with gentle hands, and talk to their child about why hitting is not ok and what they can do instead, when they feel like hitting (emotional intelligence).
With spitting and hitting, Montessori parents would address the behavior, discuss the feelings driving that behavior, and enforce logical consequences to help them change their behaviors to be safer.
Permissive parents often do not teach or support emotional intelligence.
Montessori parents do.
Very different approaches. And very different outcomes.
Many children from permissive parenting households lack impulse control and have more behavioral problems as they grow. They often struggle with aggression and don’t perform as well academically. Many are likely to be overweight and aren’t able to self-regulate.
On the contrary, children coming from a Montessori influence, have shown to have significantly better psychological health, higher levels of emotional stability, excel academically, and have higher satisfaction in life, overall.
Night and day.
Montessori is a powerful tool compiled from years and years of observation and expert insight.
It helps parents find balance and guidance in a role we are often overall narrowly prepared for and feel insecure or unsure about, at any given stage.
We can discipline without being angry and yelling.
We don’t need to ignore behaviors.
Our children need fair limits to learn, feel safe, loved and cared for, and to thrive later.
We can forgo mom guilt by drowning out society’s parenting pressure and tuning into our own inner voice and our child’s unique needs.
We can experience more peace and fulfillment in parenting when we teach the way our children learn.
Montessori can lead the way.
