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Toddler Having Big Feelings During Potty Training? Try These 10 Expert Tips
toddler having big feelings during potty training
“Hello potty training power struggle, I’d rather not have to hang out with you” – says every mom everywhere.
Big feelings during potty training are inevitable because this is a *big* life transition for your toddler who is just learning about their feelings, how to handle them, how to control their impulses, how to listen to mom (more often) and so forth.
Before I dive into the tips for handling a toddler having big feelings during potty training (or LOTS of big feelings during potty training), I want to shed some light on a potty training truth that not many parents know…
What I really REALLY want potty training and soon-to-be potty training moms to know is – some toddlers do well with the 3 day, grab them and run to the potty, keep them naked approach, while others fight the grab, cry at any mention of the potty and continue to have constant accidents and withholding despite being naked.
This approach ^ however, is not suited for all toddlers, yet it is the most common approach talked about online and in mom conversations, so most parents start with this and then don’t know what else to do when this approach fails them. They try and push on with it, and soon feel like giving up on potty training. It turns into potty training battle of the wills, toddler cries on potty and mom is pulling her hair out, wondering why can’t my toddler get this, stressing out over every move and not knowing what else to do.
I *so deeply* want parents to know that there are other ways to approach and handle potty training that can be MORE in tune with their toddler, more in tune with their mom mental health needs, more clear on how to handle those wild behaviors and big feelings. I want them to know there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong with them or their toddler if they 3 day method just isn’t a fit.
It’s all ok. And while I know ‘3 day method’ looks shiny and great, knowing that it is SO NORMAL for potty training to take longer than 3 days is very important for a stressed parent to know.
This milestone can be rooted in connection, co-regulation, teaching and learning, rather than rushed and ‘us vs them’ chaos!
So, if you have started potty training and feel like it just isn’t the right fit, is chaos and impossible, I encourage you to read more about my Peaceful Potty Training Method instead. This method was built for parents who were struggling with power struggles and big feelings, mom guilt and stress, and who have ‘strong-willed’, uninterested or scared toddlers. You can really side step going through your toddler having big feelings during potty training (or manage it in a way that truly minimizes and soothes big feelings!)
It’s not like any other method, as I’m here to flip the script on what we are fed mainstream about potty training!
Ok, now that I’ve said my piece on mainstream potty training, let’s dive into the tips for handling big feelings during potty training…
Read this next:
Should I Potty Train With Pull Ups?
20 Biggest Potty Training Mistakes To Avoid
How To Potty Train Like A Pro – Tips Every First Timer Needs To Know
I love this topic because it is so real and it’s one that I focus on in my Peaceful Potty Training Course.
Many parents feel that their child isn’t ready if they run into their toddler having big feelings during potty training BUT the truth is, many toddlers show readiness around 2-2.5 years old, which is an already emotionally explosive age. So, just like parenting a toddler day to day – putting clothes on for the day, serving meals, turning off their show and getting ready for bed – these types of transitions can be difficult to navigate. And, potty training is essentially one big transition.
how to handle toddler having big feelings during potty training
1. prioritize your calm when they get crazy
Depending on how we were raised and what our expectation of our toddlers are – our responses to their cries, tantrums, ‘nos!’ and not listening to us, can trigger us in different ways. Many parents have a hard time letting their toddlers feel their feelings and express themselves.
It will help you so much through the toddler years if you can remember as often as possible to respond and not react because, just as your child is *just* beginning to learn to speak and take turns and be patient, they are also just beginning to learn how to control their impulses, behave in more acceptable ways and help themselves calm down too.
Their brain is just starting to develop in all these ways, even big feeling and behaviors, and they are wired to need our support and guidance along the way.
So, when your toddler breaks out in a cry, tantrum or ‘no!’, take the moment you need to collect yourself and respond in a way that will guide them through this moment rather than add fuel to the fire.
This might look like you taking 2 deep breaths, stretching your neck and shaking out your hands then saying something like – You’re really upset about not wearing diapers huh? I hear you babe. This is so new and different. Want a hug? Or want your lovey to help you feel better?
Preparing your toddler for potty training can help avoid many big feelings too. For complete prep work, check out this blog post: Everything You Need To Prepare Before Potty Training That Will Make It SO MUCH EASIER
Helpful toddler books about emotions add to your story times:
2. name & validate their feeling
Your toddler is still learning what all their feelings are and what to do with them. Some toddlers have a lot of them during potty training, some don’t. Whichever type of toddler you have, you can tune into them, meet them where they are and still work toward the goal in a natural and calmer way.
Don’t shy away from your toddler having big feelings during potty training, if your toddler does have them. Instead, seek to become aware of their triggers – so you can talk about them and explain to your child what is going on – and what soothes and comforts them – so you can do more of that when they freak out or have a tantrum. Soon, they will learn to do, on their own, what you are showing and teaching them to do, for self-regulating during those big feeling moments.
Naming and validating your toddler’s feelings is a HUGE help with moving past potty refusal. I’ve seen it time and time and time again for almost 10 years now of working with toddlers and students inside my Peaceful Potty Training Course attest to it too!
Naming and validating with your child is like your bestie saying – Ugh that sucks, I’m so sorry that happened to you – after you tell them about an annoying run-in with a co-worker. (Rather than them ignoring you or saying, come back to my house when you’re over it.)
Your toddler feels seen, heard, understood and closer to YOU because of it. And when our toddler’s feel closer to us, there is a tighter bond, more mutual respect, more love and more openness to our influence/requests/rules…
Naming and validating for your toddler might sound like – you’re really upset huh? New things can be hard and upsetting. I’ve got hugs for you when you’re feeling upset babe! Mommy is here to help you through this. We got this.
want to potty train easier? without big feelings you don’t know how to manage?
my Peaceful Potty Training course teaches you my simplified method built for ‘strong-willed’, uninterested and scared toddlers, in a way that feels loving, nurturing, natural. ALL the information you need in ONE place, covering all the scenarios like refusing to sit, withholding poop, pushback, constipation, frequent accidents and more:
3. Connect with them, remind of the goal & involve them
This might look like – crouching down, saying what they’re feeling, recognizing what they were working on when they started breaking down, rubbing their back and then talking about potty training once they’re calm.
Here are some helpful potty training books you can add to story time:
4. take a break & try again with something that will make it easier for them
Doing this can really, really help you avoid your toddler having big feelings during potty training all the time.
You guys are learning to work together in this unique situation.
5. Use a peace corner to reset
Having a designated spot for your toddler to go when they are being overwhelmed by their feelings will help them get into a routine of practicing calming down and will help them start to self-soothe, sooner.
This is an absolute game-changer for families with a toddler having big feelings during potty training (and any other times for that matter!)
I personally found it so helpful for myself when I was trying to regulate my own emotions especially during the height of the pandemic when I was lacking any semblence of balance I had before giving birth to my twins + living in isolated and restricted lockdown life.
You want to start out using the peace corner *together* for the first week, at the very least. Then, you can give your toddler the idea to go there on their own – “You can go hug your lovey and look through the fuzzy doggy book in the peace corner to help you feel better bub.”
Don’t worry they will grow into using it on their own but, more often than not, toddlers 2-3+ need lots of co-regulation (your help calming down and resetting, then learning what to do next time), so going with them for a while and being their calm, knowledgeable and helpful rock is important.
You can learn all about the peace corner and how to use it here. I have two and use them regularly here for all the toddlers I work with, and my own twins, it is an amazing and super helpful emotional regulation tool! A toddler household must-have IMO!
6. use activities to motivate & avoid blow ups
One of the MOST powerful things I’ve found with potty training, especially when it comes to avoiding a toddler having big feelings during potty, is using activities that excite and interest your toddler in the bathroom.
YES! Not one book, not one song. Bleh, boring. Incorporate the things the know and love to do into this potty training process. Meet them where they are! How? With play that interests them. “Play is the work of the child.” – Maria Montessori
By doing this, you always have something to motivate them that they’re excited about in the place you want them to be. Until they are more in tune with their body and are able to self-initiate, doing this is GOLD. No power struggles, now forcing, no candy – just an invitation to do something cool and interesting while they are learning this new skill at their own natural pace! Amen to that!
Watch my FREE Potty Training Masterclass and learn the *optimal* time to start potty training PLUS how to prepare your toddler, your mindset & your space!
Everything you need to know to start potty training with more ease, confidence and calm.
7. Be silly & playful to avoid blow ups
Sometimes when tensions are high, meeting them with calmness and words of reassurance just aren’t cutting it. Try some silliness to match their drama instead and see if that gets a laugh and resets the tone.
For example, if they start crying and saying ‘no I don’t want to’, you could try covering your eyes and saying – me either waaaaahhhhh can you hug me, waaahhh – and then if they come over you could tickle tickle tickle them (just watch out for pee when you tickle them!) Then, once you two are done giggling and calm, you could connect with them and say – this is all so new and new can be hard huh? I got you, let’s take a break and try again after we build a big block tower!
8. put them in charge of checking & letting you know
Hey listen, toddler having big feelings during potty training? Maybe they feel too controlled, maybe they need more room to be in control than others – you can give them some while still staying on course!
This might sound like – alright babe! You are in charge of all your pee and poop! Super pooper to the rescue! Go check and see if anything has to come out and let me know! I think pee might come out! You let me know if I’m right!
Super simple and appeals to that playful and silly toddler nature PLUS gives them control, which they are seeking as often as possible now, am I right?!
Some tools that help your toddler feel in charge during potty training:
9. Invite them to bring what is in their hands
This is another one of the MOST powerful things you can do to avoid power struggles and explosive ‘nos!’, most of the time…
Power struggles often happen when a toddler wants to do one thing and a parent wants them to do another.
So, to avoid your toddler having big feelings during potty training, try this…
Get rid of the ‘potty prompt power struggle’ completely by saying – potty break! Bring your (whatever they have in their hands) so we can keep playing on the potty. It’ll be quick, let’s roll!
You’ve completely eliminated their reason for not wanting to go – having to leave xyz. MAAAGIC!
10. balance the day with big celebrations & breaks for sun, fresh air and treats (this is hard work for everyone!)
This is a big, new and daunting responsibility for them (compared to laying around playing and pooping, now they have to get up, leave their fun, walk to the bathroom, sit and wait, wipe and wash their hands…. it’s a lot! And so different than before!)
Let go of the stress and strain of trying to make every pee in the potty and make room for focusing on breaks too. Accidents are part of the learning process and not a sign of failure, so take those breaks. This will keep everyone feeling more balanced.
Celebrate that they try – oh! I saw you stand up when you felt you had to pee, you’re listening to your body! Good work babe! Wooohooo! *happy dance, high five*
Celebrate their progress – hey babe, you came to the potty without crying! Look at you! You’re getting into the habit!! I know this is hard work!
Take breaks throughout the day. Be their pal and their shoulder to lean on – not their relentless bootcamp drill sargent. This will foster connection, which means better vibes and more love all around PLUS more willingness to listen and cooperate – you know what, we’ve been practicing so hard at this potty stuff, whew! Let’s go outside, put our feet in the splash pool and have a popsicle. What do you think?!
Another treat could be that they choose dinner! Or have some chips with breakfast! Any little thing they might love or ask for that is usually a no or not part of your normal routine could help balance all the heavy feels from this big to-do.
This helps balance the fact that you are reminding potty potty potty all day and they are having to transition and do and try all day. This will help everyone feel like they are on the same team rather than fighting against one another.
Balance this bigger responsibility with bigger special moments and you’ll probably avoid a toddler having big feelings during potty training all the time!
Read this next:
When To Start Potty Training (so it is easier for all!)
And there you have it! So much of this is the same as what you’re doing as a toddler parent already – recognize how they feel (whether you understand or agree) so they can feel seen and heard (this comforts them), redirect them sometimes and then try again later when they are calmer. Talk them through it, comfort them, empower them, involve them.
Tweaking little things along the way so that you two are more in sync and cooperation is more present, is where it’s at for easier potty training with less big feelings!
For more potty training support, you can read all my potty training blog posts, here.
And consider watching my FREE Potty Masterclass for some free training and a special potty training bundle offer I don’t share anywhere else!
Follow me on Instagram for tips and to ask questions any time!
DOn’t forget to check out my Peaceful Potty Training course: expert advice in a simplified method built for ‘strong-willed’, uninterested and scared toddlers. ALL the information you need in ONE place, covering all the scenarios like refusing to sit, withholding poop, pushback, constipation, frequent accidents and more:
