This post is all about how to discipline a 2 year old who doesn’t listen – and actually get them to cooperate!
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11 Expert Tips On How To Discipline A 2 Year Old That Doesn't Listen
how can I get my 2 year old to listen and behave?
I’ve got you covered.
I go over a bunch, but it is well worth the read, as most moms I help see change almost immediately.
Think cause and effect.
As the owner of a Montessori-inspired daycare and preschool, and the mom of twin toddlers, I spend almost every waking hour guiding and disciplining all different types of toddlers.
I’ve spent years adapting, learning, researching and trial and erroring. And I am now firmly rooted in my discipline style which is responsive, loving, productive and teaching-focused.
I would describe all of the toddlers I work with as good listeners, not because they all listen to me right away BUT because I understand the age, stage and brain development, and meet them where they are with fair rules, consequences and expectations.
Let me explain what I mean a little bit further…
Toddlers’ brains are still developing, which means they are still only just beginning to learn things like their ABCs, the English language, how to write and read AND things like, following directions in a timely manner, being kind and empathetic, controlling their reactions after having a rush of big feelings.
This is all BIG, fundamental and complex stuff.
So, knowing this about toddler brain development, I don’t expect complete compliance right away. In fact, I expect them to listen to themselves more than me. I expect to help them. I expect to explain and remind and remind and remind again, because that is how any human learns and build new habits and skills – by having a guide who knows their needs and let’s them practice what needs to be done.
I know that because they are their own person, programmed to listen to themselves more than any outside influence, and because their brain isn’t as developed as mine, they can’t adjust to my expectations in a healthy manner (without being forced or shamed, which can cause long-term harm to their sense of self and the adult-child relationship) but rather I can adjust to where they are. And I can do it calmly and compassionately, most of the time.
This is the mindset we need to start with when we’re figuring out how to discipline a toddler who doesn’t listen.
I know for so many first time moms, co-existing harmoniously with their toddlers can feel close to impossible almost half, if not more of the time.
If and when you are feeling this way, I want you to remember that you too are learning how to mother your ever-changing child in a way that feels right to you, and it is expected that you will be confused, frustrated, without all the answers, along the way.
There will also be times where you feel the flow, the calm, the confidence.
It is ALL a part of the journey we all have as mothers and we can lean on one another to get inspiration and motivation to help us in those hard “I don’t know what to do” times.
Many moms wonder – “how can I get my 2 year old to listen and behave? How do you discipline a toddler who doesn’t understand? How do I discipline without hitting or yelling? How do I discipline a 1 year old who doesn’t understand?”
Disciplining can be exhausting, confusing and challenging. I know, and I am here to help answer all those questions…
It might feel like it’s impossible to get through to your toddler and help them, and you may be thinking you just have to buckle up and ride out these toddler years as wildly difficult year, but it doesn’t have to be true.
First, remember what I told you about a toddler’s brain development. This has always been the case, and nowadays we are becoming more aware of it. Keeping these facts in your mind, will help you discipline without hitting or yelling.
1. Set fair rules and consequences + follow through on consequences
This is a huge challenge because we often don’t want to face and deal with emotions and unwanted behavior that comes with setting rules BUT doing this is really the best way to get your toddler to listen and comply, more often. You can start doing this right when your baby becomes a toddler and practice it continuously through the preschool years.
- Setting fair rules and consequences might sound like: “We need to stay on the grass, the road is dangerous with lots of big fast cars. If you cannot stay on the grass, then mommy needs to put you in the stroller until we get to the playground.” (Rather than stop, stop, don’t go on the road, ok that’s it, we’re not going to the park if you can’t listen!)
- Following through on the fair consequence you set might sound like: “Ok, I’ve said it twice and you are having a hard time staying on the grass, I’m putting you in the stroller now. This is safe. Off to the park we go!”
- If big feelings happen and they break out in tears and cries, you can try giving them a second chance at listening to you, which is #2….
2. Give them second chances
This might feel weird to you if you don’t look at your toddler as a little person who’s brain is still under construction, who is juuuuust learning about their feelings and how to manage themselves when feelings flood them, who has a hard time listening to and outside influence (including you, their mom) over their own, internal, natural wants and desires. Kind of like how adults have a hard time complying 100% with what their boss says or their partner requests or their pastor tells them to do….
Remembering that toddlers are little humans, built like we adults are, and are under construction with minimal tools in their ‘tool bag for life’, you will be able to meet them where they are developmentally, and exercise more empathy and willingness to help and guide them.
- Giving them a second chance might sound like: “You really want to walk. Ok listen, if you want to walk, then you have to stay on the grass to stay safe. Mommy will give you one more chance to walk on the grass. You can do it! Let’s try again and walk on the grass to the park. There you go! Maybe find some flowers, maybe hop.”
- If your toddler is especially hyped up, teetering on a tantrum, you can try: Stretching your neck and finding your calm then getting down to their eye level and touching their arms or legs if they’ll let you and say, “you really want to walk. I hear you. Once we are calm we can try again. Let’s take some deep breaths and then walk. One breath, good. Two breaths, good. Three breaths. Ok! Now we’re ready. Remember, on the grass to stay safe or back in the stroller. No more chances.”
3. Count: say what to do after 1 and 2, then 3 is the consequence
For years, I thought counting to a toddler was pretty useless because it ended up getting the parent more worked up and hardly helped the toddler change the behavior at hand. That was until, I had my twins, one of which is what medical professionals will describe as a ‘spirited toddler’. Their persistence, surrounding awareness and intensity with all feelings, good and rough, are next level, almost all the time.
I only worked with one other spirited toddler, and I didn’t have them 24/7, nor did I have my own children yet.
I started setting up appointments with a pediatric behavioral therapist so I could make sure that I was doing what I needed to be doing to meet her needs and let myself release thoughts and feelings with someone who understood and could guide me. She recommended counting, and because I had put it out of my mind years ago, before even having kids, I didn’t think to ever give it a try.
One afternoon I tried counting, and to keep myself calm while counting, I included the request I initially said before counting, after each number.
For example, I would say, “Emi, sister has asked you to let go. Make sure you are listening when someone asks you to let go of them.” If she continued after that reminder, I would start the count + request. “1 let go of sis. 2 let go of sis. If I say 3, I will come and move you away from sis. 3.”
Within a day of using this, she was mostly stopping by 3. And if not, I would just follow up with what I said I would do after 3. No big explosion, no heat in my chest. No punishing or shouting or feeling out of control. Just a clear sequence of events that I knew would slowly shape the behavior to be nicer/safer etc…
See, it comes down to control a lot of the time, for motivation, as well as time to process the request. And so, saying I am going to come and move you (me taking control), many toddlers don’t want that (they want to stay in control), so they’ll start to listen to the request or switch what they’re doing. Plus, by the time you remind them of the request 2x and then get to 3, they’ve had time to process and adjust their behavior.
I love that it keeps me calm and disciplines effectively and fairly for my under construction (and ultra persistent) toddler.
3. Validate their feelings
Validating your toddler’s feelings is a crucial step in letting them know you care; that you see them, hear them, can tell how important something is to them, no matter if you think it is silly or annoying or not. Naturally, them being toddlers, and us being adults, what we find important and big and upset-worthy is different. It’s not about agreeing, it’s about saying, “hey, I see you, I see this is hard for you, I got your back boo.” Kind of like you would to a bestie.
When we validate, it calms them and bring us closer to our children. When this is the foundation of our relationship, talking to them, helping them listen, getting through big feelings – it’s all much easier.
- Validating can sound like: “You’re so upset about being done with bath time, huh? You love it so much! (Want a hug?)” or “Oweee! You tripped on the blocks, ugh! I hate when that happens to me too!” or “You don’t love brushing your teeth, huh? What will make it easier for you? Holding mommy’s toothbrush? Watching your show? Mommy singing a silly song?”
5. Talk about acceptable behaviors in random settings throughout the day
Let’s plant those seeds and remind often, so it’s present in their learning routines and daily lives, until it becomes habit.
- Talking about acceptable behavior in random settings can happen during story time, before bed, while riding in the car, while playing blocks together, while brushing teeth, while going for a walk. Look for times when your toddler is focused on you or playing happily and chill.
- And it might sound like: “don’t forget babe, next time mommy asks you to do something, let’s try and listen the first time I say it.” “If you need a couple minutes to finish something (because sometimes, to them, they are hard at work or really enjoying something and naturally won’t just drop it, especially if it is to do something they find less interesting), you can say 2 more minutes please mom.” or “It’s important we are gentle with friends. Otherwise, mommy will have to move you away from your friend to stay safe, ok? Let’s practice being gentle, all day, let’s practice!”
Read this next:
12 Things You Can Do If Your Picky Eater Doesn’t Like Meat (Yet)
19 Reasons Why You May Be Struggling With Potty Training
3 Top Reasons Your Toddler Acts Irrationally & How To Handle The Behavior
6. Partner with your toddler in handling big feelings, until they can self-soothe around 4-5+ years old
How many times have you been frustrated, disappointed, sad or frustrated because your reality was different than your expectation?
With toddlers, I find that knowing what they are *actually* developmentally capable of and what normal behavior is during that time, really allows me to have more peace and more calm.
It is not MY toddler. It is not ME. It is not that they are bad or that I am no good at this thing called parenting…. It is that their brains aren’t yet developed enough where they have reasonable coping skills for tough situations, impulse control for big feelings and self awareness for themselves and others. They are *just* beginning to learn these things and practice them, so they become their foundation, their habits for forever.
Knowing that, whenever I find myself reminding and having to discipline, it helps to think of myself as a ‘partner’ and a ‘leader’ with more tools than them, that will help them until they can help themselves.
One of my favorite ways to do this is to use a peace corner. Again, we are partners and come 4-5 years old, they will have the foundation set so they can do alone, what we have been practicing together.
It’s pretty amazing, the power of a peace corner. All my daycare and preschool kiddos, by 2.5-3 years, are running off to the peace corner saying they need space when they need space. Or, when someone is upset, another toddler will invite them to go to the peace corner or get them a lovey from the peace corner. INCREDIBLE. Because, we made it a part of our routine and we practiced together. This is their setting, these are habits we are creating, this is part of their forever foundation for coping with things.
Partnering with your toddler will not only give them all the tools they need to self-soothe sooner, but it will also help you discipline with less drama and stress.
7. Give them control
What are some things you let your toddler do, without your input at every step or every other step? If we think about it, we are usually so involved right? For safety, for messiness, for kindness, sharing, having to leave somewhere, having to get to bed….
It’s so key that we make a conscious effort to let our toddler have control over some things throughout their days, despite the mess, despite us having to wait another minute, despite us being able to do it faster. This will help prevent power struggles, allow for independence practice, pride and make for less situations where you have to discipline.
Toddlers are little humans, ready and eager to participate in the world around them, to explore and to use their minds to make decisions, create and enjoy things.
So, to do this, I want you to think where you can insert more ‘yes settings’ into your child’s life. Which leads me to #8…
8. Create more ‘yes settings’
Your toddler is an eager participant in your family and home. Are there some things that are their size and functional for everyday life? Their little routine is all the life they know and letting them be an active participant in those little steps in their routine, will make a huge impact on them.
‘Yes settings’ are safe spaces where your toddler can do and explore without your help, correction or intervention. Giving your toddler ample time each day in settings like this will again, minimize your need to discipline at every turn.
- Some things to think about for creating ‘yes settings’: Can you put a toddler-safe mirror by the door with some command hooks and hang their jackets on them? Can you put their clothes in bins that they can reach and choose themselves? Can you make a little cupboard in the kitchen for them to grab their own plates, cups and utensils for mealtime? Can you put the island bar stools on their side so you don’t have to always tell your toddler to get down?
With more of a balance of them controlling some and you controlling some, you will notice a big change in behaviors, including their listening.
9. Use “if, then” statements regularly
This is highly effective because it uses something they want to motivate action we want.
- Using “if, then” statements might sound like: “If you want daddy to pick you up, you need to let go of his shirt. Let go, then up.” or “If you want to go to the park, you need to get your shoes and jacket on. Shoes and jacket, then park.” or “If you want cookies for snack, you need to choose 2 other foods for your bowl, too. Cookies and 2 other things, then you can snack.”
10. Give more attention to behaviors you do want to see
Not only will they look to do more of those behaviors, they will feel seen and loved even more which obviously feels good and it will minimize frustration from constant ‘nos’ ‘stop’ ‘don’t’ and correcting. Additionally, our praise will become their inner dialogue to themselves, also furthering better behaviors.
If they hear you are so kind! They start to believe they are kind and act more kind more often. Likewise, if they hear you are so difficult, they start to wonder what is wrong with them and feel bad, therefore act in less desirable ways.
- Giving them more attention might sound like: “look at you and sis playing nicely together! How fun! It’s more fun when we play nicely! Teamwork! (I also like to talk to them about taking a break from playing together if they feel frustrated or that they can’t play nicely anymore. Siblings need space and when they are young, don’t yet know how to take the breaks they need). or “Look at you putting all the caps back on the markers! Yes! Now they won’t get dried out or lost! You’re the best! Taking care of your toys!”
11. Give them something to say ‘yes’ to (during transitions especially)
Instead of repeating and repeating and getting fired up that they are not listening to you, their mother, again, remember that they are just listening to their natural, human innermost wants and needs more. We all do it. Toddlers are no different. It’s not about respect or compliance, it’s more about them listening to themselves AND often, knowing that mom or dad is not going to remove them or help them follow through with the request.
I’m all about being fair and collaborative. I think it’s best. When my toddler says “one more minute!” After I’ve given them a 2 minute warning that show time is done, I say “ok, one more minute” (reasonable request), it seems fair to me and 99% of the time, once the minute has passed, the transition is smooth! I’ve considered them, while still sticking to our plan and timeline.
- So, with that in mind, here is how I give the something to say ‘yes’ to: “Alright girlies, 5 more minutes at the park and then we are going to head out and grab some lunch! We can have an ice pop with lunch! 5 more minutes then ice pop! I’ll let you know when it’s been 5 minutes. Go choose what you want to do for 5 minutes, swing, slide, run!” (they’re excited about the ice pop and choosing what they get to do before they go) or “Alright babe, time to head back in the house. You can come choose the show you want to watch while mommy cooks dinner. 2 more minutes then show!” (they’re excited by the option to choose and watch a show next)
Hey, if someone else has to dictate the switch up of settings in your day and the timing of when they happen, wouldn’t it be nice if they were fair about it, collaborated with your requests and sprinkled in things you love now and again as incentive for following their directions too?
All of these things – the tools, the toddler brain development insights and the mindset shifts – will help you better discipline a toddler who doesn’t listen. These will help you discipline without yelling or hitting. These can even help you harness the chaos when your 3 year old behavior is out of control.
It might take you a week, 2, 3 or 4 to ‘recalibrate’ and settle into a new routine, but once you do and you start to see those behavioral changes and feel more calm in your chest, you will feel more at home in toddlerhood than ever.
AND – Show Them LOTS Of Love Throughout The Day (SO important!)
Going to be potty training your toddler soon and can't imagine dealing with all the big feelings, power struggles and tantrums on top of potty training?
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