3 Top Reasons Your Toddler Acts Irrationally & How To Handle The Behavior

Do you ever look at your child and think – what the heck is going on? Why are you acting like this? Why is this so upsetting to you? Such a small thing to be melting down about, geez….

Well, you’re right. *To us* – small. To them – big.

I mean, after all – building jumbo blocks, putting on their pants and helping mom scoop dog food are the main points of their day. This is their meaningful work, their whole world, right now.

“Play is the work of the child.” -Maria Montessori

“Play … influences the development of fine and gross motor skills, language, socialization, personal awareness, emotional well-being, creativity, problem-solving and learning ability.”
–Child Development Institute

So, often times, we’ll notice that they struggle leaving something especially if they are having fun – even if we have to leave each day, even if we know it will be there for them later, even if it doesn’t make any sense because they were just in the happiest mood ever.

Here are the top 3 reasons your toddler is acting irrationally throughout the day:

1. The areas of the brain that process logical thinking are still developing.

2. They don’t yet have the tools to manage big emotions.

3. They’re beginning to realize that not everyone thinks the same way they do, which can make them feel a loss of control.

So, when we truly understand why toddlers behave the way they do, we can understand where they’re coming from (a point of inability to do things on their own, including manage feelings…) which gives us more compassion and more patience, plus, the ability to approach with a helpful heart and mind, rather than an annoyed, confused, frustrated and angered mind.

• Instead of the mindset of: We do this everyday, come on! Stop whining about getting in the car.

• Think: Ok, I know that transitions are the hardest for toddlers because they’re brains are still developing which means they can easily be overwhelmed by changes. And toddlers don’t know how to regulate themselves when feeling overwhelmed. (Did you know that your toddler has very little emotional regulation until the age of 8-9 years old?)

So what can we do instead of getting frustrated/overwhelmed, yelling/ignoring?

• We can take a deep chest breath. The deep breath allows our brain to switch from ‘crisis mode’ to ‘safe mode’ so as simple and silly as it might sound, it reeeeeally helps and feels good. It can be a big help when you are rushed or pre-occupied with work or other tasks when the behavior happens.

• We can empathize with them and verbalize what’s happening, to help them understand. Ie: “Aw babe, I know it’s so hard to leave when you’re having such a good time.”

• We can give them a minute. Avoid the power struggle. Compromise. Ie: “Ok you know what, let’s take 1 more minute. Go finish what you were working on and we’ll go in a minute. Go on, one more minute.” Giving them this minute can work magic for calming them and you, then moving on.

• We can model ways to handle ourselves when feeling overwhelmed so they begin to exercise those practices. Ie: “Mommy gets frustrated too babe. Let’s take a big breath and go by the window for a minute. Oh, I see a squirrel over there! And the moon is up too!” Recognizing how they felt, reassuring them, then moving on with a calming/soothing practice to calm the chaos is a great example that they will soon practice independently, rather than fall deeper into a tantrum or a meltdown.

• We can give them something to look forward to, next. Ie: “Alright babe, once we get home we’ll have our yogurt pop! Let’s go get it!” This helps shift them to the next thought and gets them focusing on something they can look forward to/feel happy about, rather than wallowing in their feelings of upset about having to leave something they were enjoying.

And truthfully, doing these things takes less energy than it does when the two of you get worked up, angered, yell, then have to recover later. 

By making this type of helpful, empathetic approach your go-to, you‘ll feel more in control and you’ll soon start to see a calmer, more equipped toddler in situations where they used to immediately act irrationally and become hard to help calm. And once you start to see this, you’ll feel more confidence and less mom doubt and guilt. You’ll feel like, “ok, I got this. This works pretty well and feels a lot better.”

Click here for a FREE Script for toddler transitions including leaving the park and daycare drop off.