How To Handle My Toddler's Tantrums? A Simple 4 Step Plan Used By Pros Who Understand the Toddler Brain

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how to handle my toddler’s tantrums

I know it feels like it’s impossible to get through to your toddler and help them manage their tantrums, but I want you to know that it isn’t impossible. I will lay out a simple 4 step plan that will help you deal with your toddler’s tantrums so you can have calmer days with your child.

Toddler tantrums at bedtime?

Toddler tantrums in the morning?

Toddler tantrums when getting dressed?

It can be utterly overwhelming and exhausting trying to manage toddler tantrums.

But, let me tell you a secret – I hardly have to deal with toddler tantrums. AND when I do have to deal with them, it is easy, I am usually pretty calm and know how to get out of them unscathed with the confidence that it won’t happen again anytime soon.

No way! Yes way, and I am going to share with you how….

It may feel like you aren’t doing anything to handle your toddler’s temper tantrums when you just begin this approach but, I want to assure you that with the 4 steps I lay out for you, you will be making significant change to your toddler’s current and future behaviors.

I own a Montessori-inspired daycare & preschool, just outside of San Francisco, and I have twin toddlers of my own. I am perpetually living in the toddler years because of the work that I do, with so many different toddlers – ages, temperaments, personalities, feelings, habits, wants, needs – and I continue to read, attend conferences and trainings, to stay informed and educated on scientific developments in early childhood studies, while also leaning heavily on my own observations, trial and error with the dozens of toddlers I continue to work with.

I have learned A GOB LOAD TONS AND TONS about they ‘whys’ and ‘hows’ of tantrums and meltdown with dozens and dozens of different toddlers, so I have A TON I can share with you.

If you want to see the comprehensive breakdown on how I keep days easier and happier with toddlers, you can see this article: 7 Fundamentals That Make Days So Much Easier & Happier With Toddlers

I have another in-depth guide on how to help calm toddlers quickly and prevent future outbursts, here: 16 Ways To Help Your Toddler Calm Down & Prevent Future Outbursts

Otherwise, I will break down 4 of the most influential toddler tantrum tips I use that help weather and manage tantrums, so they are rare and no big deal when they happen (for best results – be sure to read the additional tips at the end, too!)…

Read this next:
12 Things You Can Do If Your Picky Eater Doesn’t Like Meat (Yet)
19 Reasons Why You May Be Struggling With Potty Training
3 Top Reasons Your Toddler Acts Irrationally & How To Handle The Behavior

why do toddler tantrums happen

Before we jump into the ‘how’ of tantrums, I want to talk about the ‘why’, why they happen. Because, understanding why they happen will allow you to better handle them, rather than feel out of control and disappointed.

Firstly, temper tantrums are developmentally normal for ALL toddlers because:

They are just beginning to experience big emotions that they don’t yet know how to react to in appropriate/more developed ways.

They have yet to learn coping skills, either through observational learning or by being taught how.

The areas of their brain that process logical thinking are still developing.

In other words – they can’t help but have a temper tantrum. Literally, they don’t know how not to, yet. It is not that they know how to manage their feelings and aren’t doing it. It’s that they literally don’t know how to express what they are experiencing inside, in a non-physical, non-lash out to let it out way. Not yet. The toddler years are all about learning and teaching just that. It is truly ONE BIG TEACHING & LEARNING PHASE. I know, it’s exhausting to even think about!

A toddler tantrum isn’t a bad thing (it’s a natural thing, in fact!), it isn’t a unique thing that only your toddler does, it doesn’t mean you are a bad mom or they are a bad child, what it does mean is – 1) they need help re-centering AND 2) they need to learn/be taught new ways to communicate and cope. That is all. (Mantra – “this is normal. I can help my toddler figure out other ways to handle their big emotions so they tantrum less.” *4 step plan to the rescue!)

Tantrums typically peak between 1 and up to 4 years old, slowly disappearing after 4, after a toddler has had time to learn and practice coping skills, understand things with a more developed brain AND is able to talk and describe things better.

Some common triggers for toddler tantrums and meltdowns are:

Frustration

Wanting attention

Wanting something/to do something (such as a toy, to watch a show…)

Not wanting to do something (such as leave the park or take turns)

Hunger

Tiredness

how to handle my toddler’s tantrums – 4 Steps To managing and weathering tantrums

step 1: prioritize staying calm & remember facts about all toddlers’ brains

“It’s natural that tantrums happen and I can handle this. I can take a minute to center myself before helping. The more I help, the more they learn, the sooner their habit of tanruming will change.” That’s the mindset.

Take a few deep chest breaths to help calm that heat in your chest when you hear them start tantruming (maybe turn and roll your eyes to your partner if its the 5th time they’ve tantrumed today – because laughing together helps)

Let them release the tears and cries for a second while you ponder what the trigger was – wanting something you said no to? Feeling frustrated their sibling took the toy from their hands again? Pulling at daddy’s pants to go up but he has been busy on his phone?

If you can identify the reason, you can place meaning to the behavior and make sense of their tantrum, which will help you approach and help them identify what is going on too.

Once you are feeling calm and collected, despite the loud chaos and motions they are putting out, approach them with a genuine desire to help.

Check out these helpful parenting books about understanding and handling tantrums:

Want a FREE instant download of my Toddler Tantrum Script Cheat Sheet to get you started with handling tantrums more easily? Drop your name & email below! We never spam.

Helpful scripts for: Leaving the park, daycare drop off, nap time, when they can't have something, and sharing, that set boundaries and tame tantrums.

how to handle my toddler’s temper tantrums

Step 2: go in to help them by first naming/validating what they’re feeling & remember they don’t yet have a habit of knowing/using other coping skills

“My toddler is still learning how to cope with their big feelings in other ways. I can validate their natural human feelings, then show them and remind them what to do instead of tantrum, until they begin to initiate other coping skills on their own.” That’s the mindset.

Keep your expectations realistic, remembering facts about the toddler brain, and you will find you are less frustrated and angered by tantrums. That calm and chill mindset will only serve you during the toddler years.

If you defined the tantrum trigger – name it, explain and offer a new focus: ‘you really want a bar, huh? It’s hard not to have what we want right when we want it. We can have another bar tomorrow. Right now, let’s go find something that makes us happy – sand play? Blowing bubbles? What do you think?” Sometimes (a lot of times) a hug to recover from their big feelings is very helpful.

If you aren’t sure what happened, try – ‘ask and arms’ – “what happened babe? Mommy’s here” (open arms to invite for a hug)

Did you know that hugs boost feel good horomones like serotonin, dopamine and oxytocin? Basically, genuine hugs are like magic for making anyone feel better almost immediately. And when our toddlers feel better, they are calmer and more receptive to learning. And they have to first learn and practice new coping skills before we can expect them to get into a habit of using them immediately. Soooo, hugs are a HUGE tool during this learning/teaching stage that is toddlerhood.

I like to offer a hug paired with deep breathing together, so they are actively practicing a coping skill WITH me rather than only depending on me to give hugs so they can calm.

I also highly encourage all families to look into creating a peace corner-type space in their house – a designated place toddlers can run to when they are upset and need to reset. We have two here and when I use this space, I first go with them and we cope together until they begin to go on their own (exercising what we’ve practiced together – amazing and exciting to see!) More details on what we do in the ‘bonus’ section below…

And don’t worry – hugs DO NOT reinforce the behaviors you don’t want to see. We can talk with them about behaviors later and help shape future behavior while also giving hugs. (One of my favorite ways to do this is using “if-then” statements. More on this in step 4 below…)

What hugs DO are help your upset, learning toddler calm down, so you can teach them alternative ways to handle the big emotions they don’t yet know how to handle. This is very different than ‘giving in’ to a tantrum request. This is simply soothing the feelings they are having AND THAT IS FAR MORE EFFECTIVE than letting them stew and fester. You

Repeat after me – hugging CAN be a part of effective discipline. We CAN lovingly hold boundaries with our (learning, under-construction brain, limited coping skills) toddler.

Reminder – all feelings are normal and okay, all behaviors are not.

Check out Low Stress Motherhood’s toddlerhood essentials tee:

Step 3: talk about feelings & how to manage them 5 minutes after the tantrum is done

“Talking to my toddler, even if they aren’t fully speaking yet, about their feelings and behaviors will help them understand what is going on inside of them and how they can behave instead of tantrum. It will accelerate their learning of more appropriate coping skills. I will have less tantrums to deal with if I show them how to cope differently.” That’s the mindset.

Toddlers understand far more than most parents realize. According to Jean Berko Gleason, Ph.D, professor of psychology at Boston University and author of Development of Language, “Toddlers can clearly understand complex conversations long before most parents think they can.” I myself, experience this first-hand often, when communicating with the toddlers I work with. Language development is a focus of my program and it is incredible how perceptive and capable babies and toddlers truly are when they have clear and loving guidance.

Even if it might feel silly to talk and get minimal response from your toddler, it is absolutely worth it and can make such a difference with the time it will take your toddler to learn, understand or do something.

So, here’s an example of what step 3 might look like in action…

Once everyone has moved on to something else, take a minute to reconnect with your toddler.

Say for instance, they are now playing with their blocks. You can go over and rub their back, make a comment about what they’re building and then say a few simple lines about what just happened and how things can be different next time.

“Look at that tall tower. You’re working so hard and you chose so many different colors! Hey, you were really upset that daddy didn’t pick you up earlier, huh? (pause and wait for a physical or verbal response) Next time you want daddy to pick you up, you can say “up please” instead of hit and cry. Ok, let’s try it next time.”

I like to repeat reminders like this 2-3 times a day at random times to help keep toddlers focused on it, remembering how to handle it at the front of their minds. Kind of like re-reading them a book over and over again. They remember pieces of it, lines from it, what characters in the book did and mirror/repeat those things.

Repetition, verbal and routine, is powerful with a toddler’s learning and developing brain.

Check out these helpful toddler books about feelings and acceptable ways to cope with them:

Step 4: deep breathing together & start using “if-then” statements

“It’s helpful and important that I practice coping skills with my toddler. They will learn from this and do this themselves soon. I can use “if then” statements to help shape my toddler’s behavior. It is within my control. With time and practice, we will get this down.” That’s the mindset.

Once we have laid all that ground work, fully understand why toddler tantrums happen, and have been talking with our toddlers about feelings and acceptable behaviors, we will want to start practicing coping together.

One thing that has become overwhelming clear to me over the years of working with dozens and dozens of emotionally volatile toddlers is – when we help them cope, they will start coping in those same ways on their own, sooner. If we don’t help them cope, they tantrum harder and longer and almost always seek us out, relentlessly, for comfort. (read that again! I just said wow to myself while writing this because it is so true and I am so happy I could put it into words for you.)

The easiest way to practice coping together is, when you go in to help:

validate their feelings and/or name what is happening – “you are so upset we can stay at the park, huh! I know babe, it’s so fun here!”

get down to their level with arms open

take 3 big deep breaths together and say – “this helps our body calm down when we’re so upset. Let’s help our bodies calm down.” Many toddlers resist/fight it/say no at first, then try it and discover it really helps them.

talk about something to look forward to next – “I know! let’s head home and get some yogurt pops! Bye park, it’s yogurt pop time!”

Now, for tantrums that happen when they want something or are being impatient or you want to correct the behavior in the moment, I find “if then” statements extremely powerful and fair.

“If then” statements in action look like this:

(Toddler said they want a bar and are getting worked up because you aren’t grabbing it right away) – “I hear you babe, if you want a bar, then you need to quiet down before I grab it for you.” Hold the boundaries you set. This is key. If your toddler is used to no boundaries around their behaviors, they may cry louder at first BUT, you can use the steps above to help them calm down then give them the bar. Set the boundary, enforce it, help them calm, then follow through with what they asked for when they calm and display acceptable behavior. This, with pracitce, will become their habit instead of tantruming.

(Toddler banging on the door to go outside because they can’t open the door themselves) – “I hear you babe, it takes a few minutes for mommy to get to the door. Patiently waiting. If you want to go outside, then you need to say “outside please” and wait patiently until mom gets to the door. Good, this is quiet. Mommy will open the door now.” You’ve told them you hear them and what to do to get what they want without tantruming. Fair and teaching and keeps the calm! Again, most toddlers who are used to no boundaries around behavior may shout no! or scream louder. If so, use the steps from above, help them calm and repeat what they need to do instead of tantrum, to get what they want

One hot tip I love to share with moms who have a toddler that shouts ‘no!’ back at them when they tell them to do something, is to: avoid engaging in a power struggle by saying, “Ok, then what are you going to do?”

Be as genuine as possible and leave the ball in their court. Usually, when I say this, toddlers don’t quite know what to say. It catches them off guard. They either come over to me for a hug and then move on or they head over to the peace corner to settle down.

It takes two to have a power struggle. Know this – YOU are in control. Even when you feel like you aren’t, the truth is, the adult has the final say.

We CAN be fair, loving and not ‘give in’ or blow up when they shout ‘no!’ and this is a really great way to do it.

bonus: take a couple days to observe behaviors & recognize tantrum triggers, then make a plan to avoid or prepare for them

It might sound kind of funny to ‘observe’ your own child BUT it can really teach you so much you might never have realized, the nuances. The things you don’t notice when just hanging out or when overwhelmed by emotions in heated moments.

When you make it a point to observe and take some notes on your toddler’s actions and reactions, you will be able to better identify the things that spark a tantrum or a meltdown.

For more of a comprehensive guide on how you can make a daily plan to minimize tantrums, this article will be super helpful: 7 Fundamentals To Easier, Calmer, Happier Days With Your Toddler

Again, here are main triggers for toddler tantrums:

Frustration

Wanting attention

Wanting something/to do something (such as a toy, to watch a show…)

Not wanting to do something (such as leave the park or take turns. aka – transitions in the day)

Hunger

Tiredness

And here are some things I’ve found that really help minimize toddler tantrums:

Give a 2 minute heads up before any transition – “ok two more minutes and then we get ready to scrub our teeth. I’ll tell you when it’s time.”

Say goodbye see you tomorrow/next time when leaving something – “ok say bye bye to your show. Love you show, see you tomorrow!”

Talk about something exciting they can look forward to next – “ok say bye bye to your show! Time to go do flashlights in the room before bed!”

Give them age-appropriate choices whenever possible – let them choose their cup and utensils for lunch, let them wear the silly rain boots even if it’s not raining, let them play a little rough with their sibling if all are ok and safe

Say no less often – “yes! we can have more candy tomorrow after nap” instead of “no more today”

Put them in yes settings as often as possible – play areas where they can move freely without you having to stop them, help them, intervene, correct them

Check out these top-rated parenting books on understanding toddlers:

Want a FREE instant download of my Toddler Tantrum Script Cheat Sheet to get you started with handling tantrums more easily? Drop your name & email below! We never spam.

A step-by-step start guide to help you start seeing change with your picky toddler within 1 week!

Are you going to give this plan for managing toddler tantrums a try?

You can follow me on instagram for more toddler mom support

Xx Popp

How To Handle My Toddler's Tantrums? A Simple 4 Step Plan Used By Pros Who Understand the Toddler Brain

how to handle my toddler’s tantrums

step 1: prioritize staying calm & remember facts about all toddlers’ brains

Want a FREE instant download of my Toddler Tantrum Script Cheat Sheet to get you started with handling tantrums more easily? Drop your name & email below! We never spam.

Helpful scripts for: Leaving the park, daycare drop off, nap time, when they can't have something, and sharing, that set boundaries and tame tantrums.

Step 2: go in to help them by first naming/validating what they’re feeling & remember they don’t yet have a habit of knowing/using other coping skills

Step 3: talk about feelings & how to manage them 5 minutes after the tantrum is done

Step 4: deep breathing together & start using “if-then” statements

bonus: take a couple days to observe behaviors & recognize tantrum triggers, then make a plan to avoid or prepare for them

Want a FREE instant download of my Toddler Tantrum Script Cheat Sheet to get you started with handling tantrums more easily? Drop your name & email below! We never spam.

A step-by-step start guide to help you start seeing change with your picky toddler within 1 week!

Are you going to give this plan for managing toddler tantrums a try?

You can follow me on instagram for more toddler mom support

more helpful toddler posts:

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