12 life-changing tips for potty training a stubborn toddler
Let’s, right now, change how your potty training experience is going to go, ok?
As the owner of a Montessori-inspired playschool, and the mom of twin toddlers, I have loads of experience potty training all different types of toddlers that I can share with you.
I’ll show you how you can avoid wanting to pull your hair out.
No matter the type of toddler (stubborn, busy, scared, uninterested, emotional…) I’ve learned how to make potty training calm and low stress for both myself and the child.
And you can have that too.
Here is how I, first-hand, handle potty training a stubborn toddler…
1. Prepare Your Toddler At Least 2-7 days before
Start talking to your toddler about the change from diapers to underwear and the potty. This might sound like: “You’re getting bigger and older babe! You can do so much and understand so much now! It’s almost time to start practicing using the potty and saying goodbye to diapers. We will practice together. It will take time to learn, just like you are learning your ABCs!”
These 3 books are outstanding for preparing your toddler for potty training/potty learning. Get them and read them regularly during your story time, for at least 2-7 days before starting, so you can normalize using the potty and why we do it:
Jackson Wonders: What Is The Potty & Why Do We Use It?
2. Avoid forcing & punishing that can push them away
Remember that stubborn toddlers are very inflexible. Which means they need you to show them how to be flexible, give them opportunities to share ideas they might not be able to vocalize yet and give them opportunities to try things on their own.
Forcing and punishing can bring on more of the intense and difficult behaviors you are seeing, making potty training feel like a battle or impossible.
They will start to have a negative association toward the potty and either become afraid or uninterested in it, completely.
3. Set up your space for New habit-building
One of the best ways to build a new habit is to ‘make it obvious and accessible’, regularly. This is a big reason why, in my Mindful & Peaceful Potty Training Method, we re-arrange the play area to be right near the bathroom you will be using for potty training.
Kind of like – out of sight, out of mind. Doing this, keeps the bathroom and the potty at the front of their mind. It also minimizes the distance from point A (where they are playing) to point B (where they need to go to pee or poop), making accidents less frequent.
When building a new habit, switching your setting can be so powerful for the brain to react differently than it would if we stayed in the same setting as we have always been/are used to. And simply re-arranging things your toddler knows and loves, keeps them feeling safe and secure in the new setting.
I show you how to get your setting to ‘work for you’ when potty training by optimally setting up your space, learn more here.
4. Use Toys And Activities That Interest Them To Motivate Them
Does your toddler love to play with dolls? Set up a special doll house with dolls that they only use when they take potty breaks.
Does your toddler love to draw with your pens? Place a big old amazon box in the bathroom and bring one of your pens in for them to draw on the box while they are sitting.
Does your toddler love water play? Keep a funnel, pouring container and a mixing bowl in the bathroom for them to pour while they are sitting for a potty break. (pro tip: you can keep a cup with a straw in there and have them blow bubbles to initiate a poop or pee too!)
With a setting like this, there is literally no need to force, you will see way more cooperation and even excitement to go and sit. You are meeting them where they are. The setting is working for YOU. All you need to do is prompt, until they can recognize when it feels like they have to go. (this can take 2-3 days up to a 7-10 days for most toddlers).
Gone are the days where we thought 1 potty book in the bathroom was a ‘prepared setting’. Most toddlers need more support!
Potty Training Soon?
Get My FREE Mindful & Peaceful Potty Training Starter Guide So You Can Potty Train Easier & Keep Your Sanity Along The Way!
Everything you need to know to start potty training with more ease, confidence and calm.
5. Take note of when they usually ‘go’ & do potty breaks At Those Times
Some typical times toddlers pee and poop are:
- right when they wake up
- before or after breakfast
- after big movement like running or jumping around
- before or after lunch
- before or after nap
- after drinking a lot of liquids
- before or after dinner
- before bed or right after laying down, relaxed
Take note for a day or two, when your toddler usually pees or poops. This is what you will build your ‘potty break prompt schedule’ off of. And use some of their unique motivators, that we talked about in #3, to get them easily sitting on the potty to ‘see if anything has to come out’.
Pro tip: most likely, when just starting out, your toddler doesn’t know what it feels like to have to go. They have never had to pay attention to the feeling, they just mindlessly peed and pooped in their diaper.
Read this article to build their urge awareness.
Skip all the guessing with potty training your stubborn toddler and use my Mindful & Peaceful Potty Training Course to show you step by step, day and night, how to potty train so much easier. Even if your toddler refuses to sit, tantrums, is scared, is not interested in the potty, withholds poop, is in daycare – my course covers IT ALL, so you can get through this milestone and move on with less stress!
6. Focus on tapping into your most patient, compassionate, confident self
You know new can be hard and scary for your toddler. Get your leader hat on. Get your manager hat on. What kindness and empathy and support would you show your employees?
When you’re potty training your stubborn child, be willing to get down on their level and say “I know this is new and hard, I’m here to support you while you learn babe!”, hug them, and then move forward to try again after they’ve calmed down.
You can take breaks, you can get silly, you can celebrate big time with dance parties and special treats after a long day.
Maybe you need to switch up the unique motivators until you find what clicks (In my Mindful & Peaceful Potty Training Course I give you lots of ideas for what to set up in the bathroom to help motivate your toddler, and a behind-the-scenes look at my simple setup, so you don’t have to guess or wonder!)
Read This Next:
How To Teach A Toddler To Share – 5 Tips For First Time Moms
How To Prepare Your Toddler For Preschool So The Transition Is Easy
7. use a peace corner to help you co-regulate big feelings
It only takes about a week of being a toddler parent to realize that they need you, often, to help them manage their big emotions. Oh yes. Little did we know before having kids that emotional regulation skills do not come built in BUT the emotions do. Phew! What a task!
And many of us are just learning how to do this for ourselves, now. How to let ourselves feel our feelings instead of stuff them. How to help ourselves feel better in healthy and safe ways. How to communicate our needs to those around us with boundaries and requests.
Well, successful co-regulating, comes in huge when potty training a stubborn toddler too. They need you. Lean in. Be their anchor in the storm, and soon it will pass. Help redirect their attention and show them ways to help themselves. The sooner you show and teach them, the sooner they start to implement what you do, model and teach them.
Sound like a lot?? Not to worry! This article explains how I co-regulate throughout the day, and this one shows you how I use the invaluable Peace Corner as a tool to help me and the toddlers! *Note: co-regulating is LITERALLY a super power!! Once you start doing it with your toddler – game changer!
8. Use rewards correctly
‘Correctly’ might not be the perfect word BUT what I have found is that when you lead with a treat like “ok, go sit and you can have an m&m” the toddler brain gets fixated on the treat and loses focus of the action that needs to be done before they treat. They are often unaware of why and what they are doing too, as they are focusing only on the goodie. Also, the treats can lose their luster after 1-2 days, too.
Instead, the best way to use goodies is to – give them to your toddler after a day of ‘practicing/trying to use the potty’ or at lunch as a surprise for all their efforts! This is a much more effective way of motivating them with treats
Psst: In my Mindful & Peaceful Potty Training Method, we also do a big party to celebrate them once they are fully potty trained – kind of like a birthday party! We celebrate them BIG for their achievement!
As you are potty training – your praise can do wonders too! It doesn’t only have to be food goodies – high fives, dance parties together after they pee, bragging about them to your spouse or MIL, all of these things feel great to them and are very rewarding and motivating!
Keeping focused on their strengths, efforts and positive behaviors can do wonders for softening your stubborn toddler!
9. Make it natural
Is your toddler pretty good about their daily routine? If so, think of ways you can include sitting on the potty naturally into their days.
Maybe they will sit on the potty while they brush their teeth and you read them their nightly book, instead of sitting on their bed?
Maybe they will sit on the potty while you wait for the bath to fill up and they can open the bubbles while they sit?
Maybe they can sit on the potty with you and look up pictures of butterflies together?
Simple! Give them one cool thing they can do WHILE they sit, doing something they already do each day (bath, open bubbles, read a book before bed, brush teeth, etc.)
10. Don’t ask, suggest Instead
Instead of: “do you want to sit on the potty before bath?”
Try: “Let’s open the bubbles for bath time! Clothes off, sit on the potty and then we can open the bubbles!”
Instead of: “do you have to pee?”
Try: “Let’s look up some pictures of butterflies!! Come sit on the potty with mom and we can look at all the cool butterflies while we sit!”
Potty training a stubborn toddler will be MUCH smoother when you suggest, instead of ask or command.
11. Collaborate
This sounds like “We’re going to practice sitting on the potty again today. What will make this easier for you? Bringing your monster jams in the bathroom?! Doing stickers?! Blowing bubbles into a cup (helps stimulate poop and pee)?! You choose!”
Give them a couple cool ideas and options, within limits you set.
Sometimes stubborn toddlers will say “no! I don’t want to, I want XYZ…” Ok! If it’s within the limits you set and will still get you to the goal – let them have that control! We all want control and choice, toddlers are no different!
Sometimes stubborn toddlers will just say “no! I don’t want to!” And you can respond, “Ok, what is your idea?” Give them a minute and name a couple more things, or stand up and give them space to think. Sometimes, stubborn toddlers just aren’t able to put into words what they want or need, quickly. Give them a minute and come together with a plan that feels good to them and fine with you.
Collab mode truly feels the best for them and us!
12. Look at your expectations
Are you spending most of your mental energy upset that your toddler is stubborn? Or do you accept them? And vow to help them, so they can learn to be more flexible, while still keeping that leadership spirit?
You have a leader on your hands momma! Foster their strengths and gently teach them other qualities they need, too.
How Do You Potty Train A Stubborn Toddler?
It seems impossible, right? If every night is a struggle to brush teeth without a WWE wrestle match and epic tantrum, and mornings are chaos getting your toddler to listen to you about wearing an outfit, and getting their shoes on, and getting in the car, how on earth are you suppose to “train” them to do anything!
Well, here’s the not-so-mainstream mindset I want you to have when it comes to potty training – ‘I will be intentionally setting up my space to do a lot of the work for me, using my toddler’s current habits to create their ‘potty schedule‘, and leveraging my child’s current interests to motivate them to sit on the potty and keep them occupied while they wait for pee and poop.
Doing the above things, along with mindful co-regulation, will help you guide your toddler through learning this new habit, rather than feel like you are pushing or forcing or fighting them through it.
To potty train a stubborn toddler, you first have to consider their point of view. It is a powerful thing as parents, to take a look at ourselves and recognize if something is or isn’t working and then pivot as needed.
The most brilliant minds that get others to listen to them and do what they’re asking are those who ‘listen to the people’ and ‘observe others’ and ‘meet people where they are’.
This is what you need to do with your stubborn toddler. It might be tough to hear but, most likely you are stuck in only seeing your point of view and that’s why you feel like ‘they are impossible’. Truth is, they aren’t impossible. They are most likely not the child you expected and their behaviors are beyond the set of ‘parenting tools’ you are equipped with, so you simply have to reach for a different tool. That’s all. (‘toolkit’ aka 11 tips for potty training a stubborn toddler below!)
So really, you are both being stubborn. And you are the only one – between your developing toddler and you, as a fully developed adult – who can consider more than one point of view and lead the way with a rational mind.
Read This Next:
How To Survive Toddler Tantrums During The Holidays
20 Biggest Potty Training Mistakes Most First Time Moms MakeThe Ultimate Picky Toddler Guide To Overcoming Fussy Children’s Eating Habits
Potty Training Methods For Stubborn Toddlers
The best potty training methods for stubborn toddlers are the ones that are collaborative, that do not force, punish, coerce or use bribes to get them to sit.
What collaboration looks like with stubborn toddlers is:
- Them: ‘No! I don’t want that chair!’
- Instead of: ‘Too bad! That’s all we have. Sit down now!’ (where a stubborn toddler might respond by screaming no, tantruming, pushing you or running off crying)
- Try, collab mode: ‘I hear you babe, you don’t want this chair, but it is all we have. Look around. Is there something else you want to use? Ok, that is why I am putting this chair here. Do you want me to peel your banana or you do it yourself?’ (hands banana to toddler then lifts on to chair.)
Sometimes just the explanation alone can calm a stubborn toddler and help them see ‘why’ you are saying what you are saying.
Giving choices AND/OR asking what their ideas are, is very powerful with stubborn toddlers too. Remember, toddlers have inner desires, urges, wants and needs that they cannot put into words yet, but the feelings are there. And usually when a toddler is stubborn, those inner feelings are powerful and they cannot express themselves clearly yet.
So, the best potty training methods for stubborn toddlers will be the ones that are nurturing, communicative, playful and offer emotional support throughout. My Mindful & Peaceful Potty Training Course is perfect for stubborn toddlers. (My guarantee is that even parents of stubborn/strong-willed toddlers can potty train without losing their minds!)
Conclusion
Potty training a stubborn toddler can be SO MUCH easier when we show them the flexibility we wish to see in them.
When we have an intentional setting that ‘works for us’, utilizing things that speak to and interest our stubborn toddlers, tantrums, power struggles and explosive behaviors are rare.
Focusing on age-appropriate habit-building, their current routine and their current interests will make potty training a stubborn toddler so much calmer and smoother.
Adjusting your expectations, co-regulating, and meeting your toddler where they are will be the ultimate game-changer!
You’ve got this! They’ve got this! You guys can be an awesome team! And you can be the calm, confident leader!
And, at the end of the day, if you feel like you are constantly battling with your toddler and it is not manageable, I highly encourage you to consider taking a how to talk to toddlers so they listen parenting class with a money-back guarantee.
After all, we could all use a little more support throughout our parenting journey!
Your toddler parenting experience can be VERY different once you know and practice this stuff!
Xx Poppy
About Low Stress Motherhood
Let's harness the chaos so we can find your happy place in motherhood. I'm here to help moms find some solace and helpful resources that ease the load of motherhood and allow them to show up as the person they want to be, for themselves and their children.
